


Let Me Go

by Saint11Icarus



Series: Cable Car [3]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Asexuality, Depression, F/F, Football | Soccer, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-02 23:41:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 76,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4078369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saint11Icarus/pseuds/Saint11Icarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to the Soccercop high school AU Cable Car.  The gang is rocked by the loss of one of their own, scattered and heartbroken.  Tensions arise as they try to fit themselves back together and dynamics are strained when blame is thrown around.  With her past always looming behind her, Beth must face the choices she's made and the person she's become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! Hi. I've missed you. You may have noticed I bumped the rating up to 'M', if you're here for the sex, you're in the wrong place, I just spent some time thinking about the themes this fic is taking on and it feels like the safe choice.

It was 7:10 when Elizabeth Childs rolled out of bed. She used to wake up late.

She used to stumble through the morning hours, but she flicked the alarm off of her phone screen and sat up tall, stretching her arms high in the air and letting out a yawn. She pulled the elastic from her wrist and looped her hair up on top of her head. It was difficult, some days, to get up, but it wasn’t because she dreaded the real world anymore. Sometimes it was just because her down comforter was just that soft— _Delphine’s_ down comforter.

She fished a pair of running shorts from the dresser at the end of the bed, hopping around on one foot while she slipped them over her bare legs. She tugged on a sports bra and a ribbed a-shirt from the top drawer. She parted the blinds with one finger, the stunning view looking out over downtown Toronto. “Fuck, it looks cold.”

Delphine’s voice came muffled through the door, her body just a blur of brushing sound moving down the hallway, “Oui, il fait dix degrés.”

Summer was giving way to autumn and cool mornings were coming more frequently than she’d like. Beth groaned and pulled socks on before spinning back to her dresser and stuffing her pockets with her cell phone and coiled up earbuds.

She gave herself a glance in the mirror. Her long brown hair was up in a messy bun, strands falling out to brush shoulders that were tanned from the summer sun. There was sleep crusting her eyes (nearly black in the dim of the bedroom) and she scraped the grains away with blunt fingernails. She pinched her necklace and spun the chain so the closure was behind her neck. It was with an unsteady breath that Beth let her eyes and fingertips take in the metal coin settled against her sternum— 10 years sober.

She walked out into the living space. She always felt like a filthy smudge in the pristine minimalist chic of Delphine’s apartment: white carpets, white couch, white shelves; like Beth tracked dirt on the soles of her feet, like it never washed off. The blonde was in the kitchen, leaning back against the brushed steel countertop, thumbing through messages on her phone. “I poured your cereal,” she muttered around a mouthful of toast, brushing crumbs from the corner of her lips. Over her right breast, peeking from the collar of her undershirt, was an old and faded tattoo— the ink blown out along the edges.

“Thanks,” Beth grabbed the milk from the fridge and poured it into the bowl Delphine had left for her on the bar. “I thought I’d go for a run before work, you interested?”

Delphine was rarely interested in running, but occasionally Beth could persuade her to jog half-heartedly for a few miles before the Frenchwoman demanded they return to the apartment. Still buried in her phone, she shook her head, grunting in response, “I have to be at the hospital in half an hour.” Her phone clattered to the counter and she reached for her second slice of toast, huffing angrily, “Someone mixed up patient files yesterday and my inbox is filled with medical histories for people who I am not even treating!” She threw up her hands, “How do they expect me to work?!” She hadn’t been back to France for so much as a visit in six years but her accent hadn’t faded at all.

Beth’s eyebrows shot up her forehead, “Sounds like someone is getting fired.”

“Oh, most certainly. This is just…” Delphine pressed a palm to her forehead. August was always hard for her. Beth stayed quiet while the blonde reined in her emotions, spooning another mouthful of cereal. Delphine finally let out a sigh, dropping her hands to her sides in defeat. “Tony is still getting out today?”

“Yeah,” Beth nodded, “I’m picking him up after work.”

Delphine was silent for a beat, setting down her half-eaten slice and crossing her arms over her chest, her legs at the ankle. “Does he have a plan?”

Beth understood what she meant— ‘Do _you_ have a plan?’

“I don’t know, I only got to talk to him for a few minutes last week.”

“Do you think you’re going to move back in with him?”

Beth sighed, “Moving back in to S’s house—” she shook her head.

“It’s too soon.” Delphine agreed, quietly.

“And last I heard Sarah took my room, sooo…” she laughed out a breath.

Delphine nodded slowly, her hands moving up to run through the silky-smooth straight line of blonde tresses, “Well, S needed someone there, I think.”

Beth bit her lip, “Yeah.” They both knew Delphine couldn’t be left alone either. She shoved more cereal in her mouth and spoke, “Have you talked with them since—“

“Non,” Delphine’s head turned to the side to look out the sliding glass window that led to a small balcony, “I haven’t.”

It was heavy, the silence, Beth couldn’t breathe under it. She stretched her lungs, forced the air in and then let it out slow and shaky, “Maybe one of us should.”

“Peut-être,” Delphine finally pushed off the counter, moving around the bar. Her hand landed on Beth’s shoulder as she passed, trailing from one to the other until her hand hit open air. Her fingertips passed over the fuzzy ink of a tattoo that matched her own where it wasn’t obstructed by Beth’s singlet. “I’ve got to get going. Have a good day.” She stopped at the couch to slide a dress shirt over her arms, buttoning it quickly. She swung a purse over her shoulder and glanced back at Beth from the doorway, “Let me know if you’re going to be coming home tonight.” In a final breath she whispered, “Tell Tony—“

“I will.” Beth said and turned back to her cereal. She heard the door click shut behind Delphine. It was a loud sound in the unbearable quiet of the apartment. Beth let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

***

August was always a difficult month, but this year was different. Cosima had been dead for ten years. Ten years. Beth squeezed her eyes shut tightly, pulling her foot up behind her, easing into the ache in her quads as the elevator slowly descended towards the ground floor.

The bell dinged and the doors slid apart and Beth zipped up her hoody and ran like the gate was coming up in front of her. The wide-eyed doorman barely got the door open in time, offering a confused “Good morning, Beth,” as she flew past.

She turned onto the sidewalk, winding her way through the handfuls of people out and about at 8 in the morning. Cosima died on the last day of August, which made the entire month exhausting, a long trail of pain and anger and tears that was drawn out for thirty-one days. All of the adults had told them things would get easier, but they never had— not for Beth, and certainly not for Delphine. In the seven months Beth had been sharing the blonde’s apartment she had heard her crying herself to sleep more nights than not, had pulled her brittle bones from the tub after collapsing under the stream of hot water, had rocked the tall woman through tremors so violent Beth thought she was experiencing withdrawals. Though in the last three months, her moments of weakness weren’t solely the product of losing Cosima.

But now Tony needed her, and she was being pulled in too many directions by too many broken friends. 

The cool autumn air whipped against her cheeks, wet with fresh tears. Beth pressed her legs harder, pushing faster down the long city block. She didn’t slow down as she approached the intersection. Her brain noted it: eyes flitted to the red light, the green light, the moving cars, the red hand on the crosswalk sign. Still she didn’t slow. A Range Rover slammed on its brakes, laid on its horn, and her heart leapt. She dodged as quickly as she could, spinning with the momentum. A man jumped from the sidewalk and grabbed her, pulling her to safety.

The driver was shouting, was out of his car and shouting. Her random savior had his head bent, trying to make eye-contact, he was talking quietly and she could see his mouth moving. But she had her hands on her knees, her eyes taking slow and steady blinks, her chest heaving— partially from the run but largely from the near-collision. She swallowed several breaths and started nodding, nodding to whatever the man was saying, nodding to the driver. She lifted a hand in apology, in thanks, and turned to jog away down the sidewalk.

It was a stupid move, but August was always a month of stupid moves, of close calls.

Her sense would return with the chill of the September breeze.

She slowed at the bus stop, it was already there, doors open, and an elderly woman used a walker to climb slowly up the steps. It was relatively full, but she found a spot easily and sat. Beth spent the fifteen minute ride back to Delphine’s apartment on her phone. At first she navigated to S’s contact info, her thumb hovered over the call button for a full minute, occasionally tapping or swiping across to keep her phone from falling asleep, before she sighed and clicked back to the home screen. Then into her notes, to the NWSL schedule. It was only two days until the Championship game— Portland Thorns FC v. The Western New York Flash. Beth took a deep breath and looked across her sleeping seat mate to watch the city street roll by.

***

The courts had returned her license years ago, which was good because the busses didn’t run out to Scarborough— where she was paid by aggressive suburban mothers to coach over-medicated, under-disciplined, children. The drive was a slow one moving out of the city, but once she broke through into Scarborough the going was quick. It wasn’t long before she pulled up outside the Glendale Community Center.

Beth ran her hands down her face, taking a deep, steadying breath. She wondered if this job was worth it. She loved soccer, and the kids were alright, but their parents were so overwhelming that none of the kids actually enjoyed the game. And if your players didn’t enjoy the game, you had no one to coach. She shut the car door and hit the lock button on her fob, striding off across the grass to the equipment shed, flipping through her keys to find the right one.

The shed was dusty and poorly maintained. It had been much better kept before she’d taken the job, but over the past four years she’d let it fall into a state of disrepair. She pulled a bag of balls off the wall, small balls for small feet, and shuffled through some papers on her desk. The door creaked behind her, “Beth,” a quiet smile creeped across her lips and she turned into the voice.

She hadn’t changed much in ten years, her hair still long and thick, still wavy like she was fresh from the beach and just pulled back at the temples. Her skin was still tanned and smooth, and her smile still took up the entirety of her glowing face. “Jennifer.” Beth grinned and leaned back against the desk, hopping up onto it, feet catching the seat of her office chair.

She moved towards Beth like a swimmer would, pushing off of the doorframe until she was shoving the chair out of the way and colliding with Beth’s still frame. Their mouths banged together, hurried kisses. Beth fucked her. She did frequently, though she was never sure why. She’d been honest with JFitz (who, now married, preferred to be called just ‘Jennifer’) about her sexuality, but the woman hadn’t seemed to quite grasp the concept; when she’d first gasped into Beth’s open mouth and pulled her hand into the waistband of tight jeans, Beth had thought it’d be a one time thing. It wasn’t. And though there was nothing for her between Jennifer’s trembling thighs, she still found something likable in the woman, something that kept her from stilling her own thrusting arm. Especially in August.

Sometimes sex made her thirsty— made her itch for alcohol in a way that she wished she was able to call ‘rare’ after ten years sober. She chocked it up to a Pavlovian response, remnants from the whisky sloshing in her stomach as Paul aimlessly pounded himself to completion, and left the shed with a mesh bag of balls and two goal nets. Jennifer’s seven-year-old twins were kicking around with the skill ball they’d brought and Beth ruffled the boy’s straw blonde hair as she passed. “Are you ready for practice, Johnny? Tamara?”

“Yes!” They parroted in unison, chasing after her with eager strides.

“Alright, let me get the nets up,” she glanced at her watch, “we’ve still got twenty minutes or so.” She moved from one end of the field to the other, stringing the nets along the goalposts, weaving the mesh in and out of the clips set in the PVC piping.

Within five minutes cars began filling the parking lot. Slowly her students flocked to the pitch, shouting and giggling like none of them had ever lost a best friend to anything more serious than a playground spat. Beth shook her head clear and blew her whistle, “Alright ladies and gentlemen, can everybody line up for me? We’re going to do headcount and then we’ll start.”

Jennifer wasn’t the only alum from East Toronto High with children on the team, though Beth didn’t know the other women from her time there. Still, Jennifer was as chatty and friendly as she ever was, and when practice ended and Beth blew her whistle to dismiss the kids back to their parents, the three women swooped in like sickeningly-sweet vultures to carrion. “Beth, are you coming to the reunion?”

Beth’s arms crossed and her hands found her biceps, tightening against the muscles, “Uh, I don’t know,” she pushed out.

“They’re having a memorial for your friend? Cosima Niehaus?”

She felt a sharp pain in the back of her neck, felt it jolt down underneath her shoulder blades, “Oh yeah?” She tried to sound conversational, friendly even, as she uncrossed her arms and started shoving soccer balls into her mesh bag.

“Yes, Meera is on the alumni committee,” Jennifer offered the woman forward with an extended palm.

Beth nodded her way, “Uh, thanks?”

The bird-like woman nodded solemnly, “You’re very welcome, it’s been ten years since she passed, hasn’t it? I just did up the slides for the memorial.”

She cleared her throat, “Yeah. Ten years this month.” She scratched her cheek, eyes flashing towards the parking lot.

Jennifer picked up on her discomfort and ushered the others away with a playful ‘shoo’-ing motion. When they were out of earshot she turned back to Beth with an empathetic smile, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought them over. Meera was just wondering if you were coming and she knows we’re close, so…”

Beth scoffed and shook her head, walking away towards the nearest goal to detangle the net. Jennifer looked around the now empty pitch and scooped up the bag of balls, jogging after her, “Beth? Are you alright? Look, I’m really sorry, I didn’t think—“

“Jennifer? ‘She knows we’re close’? What do you think this is?” Beth spun, waving an arm between them.

“I—“ she obviously didn’t know, hadn’t thought about it.

Beth raised her eyebrows, holding her hands out in question, “Huh?”

“Beth,” the former swimmer sighed and followed Beth, who was still walking backwards, still looking at her expectantly, all the way to the goal. Beth just shook her head and busied herself with packing up the net. “Do you want us to be something?”

She rolled her eyes, “No, Jennifer, I don’t,” she glanced up, “are you fucking kidding me?”

The woman stopped dead in her tracks, Beth dared to look her in the face, to stare through the pain she’d caused. And Jennifer did look pained, she looked crushed, her face crumpled and twisted as the words hit. She turned her head sharply when tears began to visibly well in her eyes, and when she spun on her heel and started walking with clipped steps towards her minivan, trusting her children to spot her and follow, Beth felt the weight of what she’d said.

She let out a sigh and shouted across the grass, “Jennifer,” she took in a breath and yelled again to her still retreating back, “JFitz, I’m sorry!” But the woman was ushering her kids into the automatically opening door of the van. Beth bit sharply into her cheek and ran after her. She caught the driver’s side door just in time, strong fingers gripping against the pull of Jennifer trying to close the thing. “JFitz,” Beth offered in apology, “JFitz.”

“Stop calling me that. Get away from the car.”

Beth tugged the door open harder, fighting with the other woman for control over it, “Listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, I just—”

“Beth, you’ve been in love with Alison fucking Hendrix all these years. You’ll never move on, never. You’re just a sad, pathetic, loser clinging on to the memory of her!” Jennifer’s face was contorted with rage, the red burst of anger leaving her olive skin blotchy from collarbone to hairline. Her words threw Beth back, her hands springing from the door as if finally realizing it were white hot and melting her flesh.

It slammed and she could hear the transmission clunk into reverse and then into drive, and then JFitz was gone.

***

Tony was thinner than before, Beth hadn’t seen him in months, hadn’t really held him since before he went in, but he was noticeably smaller. He gripped her tight around the shoulders, pinned her to his chest with all the strength he had. She pulled back first, mostly because she wasn’t sure if he ever would, keeping one arm wrapped around his back, a palm resting on the flat of his stomach. He had his arm draped over her shoulder and was smiling down at her like he’d never been happier to see anyone in his life. The sun glinted off a silver tooth, steady in the front of his mouth— a new addition, one Beth hadn’t seen before. She didn’t mention it.

His ash brown eyes tilted up to the sky and he breathed deeply, “It’s good to be out,” he said.

“Yeah, I imagine so,” Beth laughed. “I thought they let you guys outside every day.”

He threw his head back with a bounding laugh, a free laugh, “They do, yeah, they do,” he shook his head, still chuckling, “but that’s prison air. This is outside air.”

“Well there is plenty of outside air.” She turned and walked towards the car, leading him along.

He hadn’t let her go yet, and his spare arm was held out wide, “Man, Beth, I’m never going back in. Never.”

She smiled, “That’s good to hear, Tony.” It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, wasn’t the first time he’d said it to her. (She hadn’t believed it last time, either.) She opened the car door and nudged him in. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I haven’t had real food in ages. We did get pizza once, that was pretty good.”

She shut the door and circled the car, sliding in beside him. “What do you want?” She glanced over at him. In the twenty seconds between the time she’d shut his door and shut her own, Tony’s face had fallen. He was running his tongue against his teeth behind his lips, was tilting his head to the side, jutting his jaw out. “To eat, Tony.” She rephrased the question, knowing full well what he really wanted. “What do you want to eat?”

He let out a huff of air between thin, parted lips, “Nothin’, now that I think about it I ain’t that hungry.”

Beth sighed and rested both hands on the steering wheel, looking at the prison gate out the windshield. She relented, “What do you want to do, Tony?”

“You know what I want to do.” He was looking out the passenger’s window, his voice low, pained, almost angry. “I want to see him.”

She was nodding before he’d even finished. Beth dropped the e-brake and pulled the car away from the place that held Tony captive for seven months.

The drive was a short one, though still too long to sit in silence the whole time. Tony was the first to speak, “So, you’re living with her now?”

Beth squeezed her eyes shut, “You can’t be mad at her, Tony.”

“I’m not.” He was.

She banged her hand roughly against the steering wheel, “Do you think this is any easier for her? Honestly?”

He couldn’t make eye contact, just kept looking out the window, “Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry.”

“I think we both know who you’re really angry with.”

Her words met no response as they pulled in, climbed from the car, shut doors and held their breath against the dust they’d kicked up on the drive up the narrow path. He glanced over his shoulder at her and she pointed him off to their left. He walked for a bit before falling back, she realized he’d never been there— would never find it without her. She sighed and led him over the springy grass, reaching back to twine their fingers. His hand was shaking, hers probably was too, she couldn’t tell.

Felix Dawkins

Loved Son, Brother, Uncle,

Friend.

12-20 to 05-10

He fell to his knees, and Beth wasn’t certain whether the choked noises were dry-heaving, gasping attempts to fill his lungs, or a combination of the two. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and gnawed the inside of her cheek, turning her eyes up to the sky. There was a tree nearby, a bird sat on a low branch, trilling out a song. It was beautiful, in stark contrast to Tony’s saliva and hiccup-filled pleading.

“We’ve lost too many people, Beth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be the end of Cable Car, this "epilogue". But it's not the end-- it's the beginning of Let Me Go, and that's a whole different story. One-shots will continue. The first story-driven one-shot takes place during chapter 6, but as always, requests are open. If you have something you want to see before chapter 6 comes around, just let me know and I'll sort it out for you. Yeah? Awesome.


	2. Chapter 2

Beth woke to the smell of smoke creeping under her door— it was a stale smell, and accompanied by none of the warmth that the scent of a fire brings. She groaned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, kicking her legs from under the comforting weight of her blankets. “Delphine,” she mumbled, taking in a deep breath and crawling down the mattress, reaching for clothes in the chest of drawers butted up against the wall at the foot of the bed. She tugged on pajama pants and a wifebeater and rolled to her feet. “Delphine!”

The blonde was as Beth expected to find her— in the hazy living room, curled under an afghan, tapping the edge of a lit cigarette against an ashtray she’d precariously balanced atop the back of the couch. Hazel eyes were hooded and dreary, locked on the television like the infomercial playing was anything more than mind-numbing (but mind-numbing was the point, Beth knew). “Delphine,” Beth dropped unceremoniously at the far end of the couch, the rarely used cushions springing under her weight.

“Hmm?” Delphine’s thumb was pressed to her bottom lip, the nail of it catching against the inside of her top teeth, her gaze didn’t turn from the lively salesman on the television.

“Hey,” Beth scooted closer and pinched the back of the blonde’s arm, “did you go to bed?” The mountain of cigarette butts was the only answer she really needed. Delphine finally pulled her attention towards Beth, blinking slowly into consciousness. She repeated, “T’as dormi?”

Delphine shook her head slightly and flicked the white-grey ash into the tray. “Je pouvais pas dormir.” Beth just nodded and pulled the corner of the afghan over her knees, tucked it under her bare feet. “What did you do with Tony?”

Beth sighed and chewed the inside of her cheek, “I, uh, I took him to a motel, got him a room. I just came home and watched the game.”

“That doesn’t seem like a very long-term solution.” Finally roused from her hours-long emptiness, Delphine butted out her cigarette and moved the ashtray to the coffee table.

Beth snorted and rested her hands in her lap, “Ouais, je sais. I couldn’t exactly bring him back here, though, and I don’t think he’s ready to see S.”

“Or if she is ready to see him.”

“Exactly, but we don’t have much of a choice...” she blew out a long breath, “I guess we’ll go over there today.” Beth leaned forward to scoop the remote off the coffee table, her thumb found the buttons to change the channel to TSN with practiced presses though her eyes were trained on Delphine’s shaking hands.

A woman’s voice came from the tv, brimming with excitement, “So you’re a naturalized citizen now!”

Beth was caught off guard by a familiar laugh, “Yeah, I’ve been eligible for years and I finally decided to capitalize on it. Everything went without a hitch, it feels like a dream. I just went and took my passport picture last week, actually.”

“Any hopes to join the National Team?” The side-line reporter thrust her microphone under Alison’s sweaty face.

And the laugh came again, ramming at Beth’s heart like a fist that wouldn’t let up. “I’m just waiting for a call.”

They cut back to four men sitting around a desk, “We’d rather have her back here in Canada! Alison Hendrix has been on a roll the past three seasons.”

“Absolutely, John. She started off slow, but she’s certainly picked up steam in the past few years.”

“Alright, once again, that was Alison Hendrix after her big play-off win last week against the Houston Dash. The final game is tomorrow night, Alison Hendrix and the Portland Thorns will be facing off against the Western New York Flash for the NWSL Championship! Should be an exciting game. Let’s move on to hockey news, the preseason is two weeks away and—”

She could feel Delphine’s eyes trained on the side of her face. It wasn’t until Beth tasted the iron rush of blood that she realized her teeth had been digging into her cheek. “Bordel de merde,” she muttered, “you don’t feel like a run, do you?”

Delphine let out a breathy laugh, “Non.”

“Delphine,” Beth clicked off the tv, the remote clattering loudly on the coffee table in the sudden silence, “Vous avez besoin de sortir de cette maison, seriously. How long have you been sitting here?”

The blonde rolled her eyes, “You need to take care of Tony. He can’t live a motel for the rest of his life.”

Beth stood and grabbed Delphine’s hands, pulling her up off the couch, “I’ll deal with him later. Right now, we’re going for a jog.” Delphine groaned as Beth dragged her by her wrists all the way down the hall to her bedroom, muttering, “come on, come on, allons-y” the whole way.

“You are being ridiculous, I had a long day at work. I was just trying to unwind.”

Beth scoffed and stood on tip-toes to tug Delphine’s loose tank top over her head, “Oh, please. We both know what you were doing. You only chain smoke when you’re thinking about Cos and Fee.”

“Beth!” Delphine snapped at the sound of their names, jerking her top from Beth’s grip and crossing her arms over her chest.

The brunette was shaking her head. She turned to Delphine’s dresser and fished out a sports bra and tossed it at her. Delphine let it hit her and drop to the floor. “Put it on, Delphine,” Beth growled, “I’m not letting you spiral again. I’ve picked you up too many times. I need to take care of Tony, he’s a shit-show right now. I’m not strong enough to hold up the both of you, I don’t have it in me.” She knelt and opened the bottom drawer, holding up the first pair of shorts she grabbed— satisfied, she threw them over her shoulder at Delphine. “So I need you to take care of yourself, juste pour un petit moment. You need to exercise, sleep, eat— just until Tony can stand on his own.”

Delphine’s voice was small, barely over a whisper as it tumbled over her trembling bottom lip, “He hates me, doesn’t he?”

Beth stilled her rampage through the dresser, dropping her head forward to thunk against the wood. “He hates himself.”

“But he hates me too.”

She let out a shuddered breath, “Ouais.” She could hear Delphine’s broken intake, the quiet moan that always preceded tears— she’d learned to recognize the sound years ago. She stood, spun, and reached for the tall woman, gripping her elbows with calm surety. “He’s hurting. It’s not about you.”

“J'ai essayé…” Delphine’s hands lifted to cover her face.

Beth squeezed Delphine’s elbows, “Tu as fait tout ce que tu pouvais. He was too far gone, you know that.”

She dropped her hands and pinned Beth with hazel eyes, bitter and cold, the way they often were since Cosima’s death— since Felix’s death. “J’aurais pu le sauver.”

Beth sighed and released Delphine, her own shoulders slumping. She let her gaze drop to the small pile of clothes at Delphine’s feet. They stood in silence for nearly a minute before Beth spoke, “I’m pretty sure I got fired yesterday.”

The blonde let out a short laugh though her tears, “How do you get fired from coaching tiny children?”

Beth blew out a breath between tight lips. “I have no idea.”

“Back to the couch, then?”

Firm hands pulled the tank top from Delphine’s gasp and slipped it back over her head, abandoning it around her long, graceful neck. “Ice cream?”

A hopeful glint lit in watery hazel eyes, Delphine pushed her arm through the armhole, “I think we have eskimo pies in the freezer.”

***

“Excuse me, hi,” Beth waved politely to the woman behind the motel’s check-in counter. “I have a friend staying in room 308? He’s not answering the door. Do you think I could bother you to open it for me?”

She grunted and pulled a hand from her dirty hair, greasy to the ends, reaching under the desk and producing a key card. “Here.”

Beth took it with a tight smile, “Thanks.” She spun on her heel, the card digging into her palm, and stomped off out of the office towards Tony’s room.

Her frustration hadn’t faded up the two flights of stairs or on the long walk down the breezeway. She banged on it once more, and when there was no answer after a beat she slipped the key in the reader and pushed the heavy barrier open. “Tony.” The air was thick with the smell of alcohol and Tony was sprawled out on top of the bed in his boxers. Beth coughed through the stench and rubbed the itch from her nose with the back of her hand. “Tony!” The sudden twinge in the back of her throat only spurred on her rage.

He only grumbled, a hand moving down to scratch his thigh, fingernails scritching across an upside-down dandelion tattoo just above his knee. When he didn’t make any other move to wake up, Beth walked over to the bed and smacked his bare stomach. He jumped away, nearly falling off the mattress. “Fuck!”

“Fuck is right. What the fuck are you doing?” Beth gestured to the handfuls of empty airplane bottles littering the comforter. “Where did you even get all these?”

Tony shrugged and sat up on his elbows, looking around at the mess he was laying in the middle of. “There’s a gas station not far from here.”

His eyes had an easy, glassy roll that made Beth run her hands down her face, “You’re still drunk?”

His lips twisted in a shame-filled scowl, “Little bit.”

“Fucking Christ, Tony.” She sighed and crossed her arms. “We’re supposed to go to S’s today. She won’t see you like this.”

“I don’t want to see her.”

“I don’t care.” Beth walked into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, turning the corner and throwing it at him, “She is your only option. You need to go beg for a place to live.”

He dropped back against the pillows with a groan, “I thought we were going to get a place.”

“Delphine can’t be alone yet.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t either.”

“That’s becoming abundantly clear.” Beth shook her head, “Get up, take a shower, pull yourself together.”

He sat up, holding the towel in his lap with one hand, the other running through his hair, “I just lost the love of my fucking life, Beth. Why don’t you have some common fucking decency?”

“We all lost Felix, Tony— every one of us—” her eyes trained on the poorly inked tattoo just above his right knee— he had several, but only one that matched hers, “just like we all lost Cosima.” She walked over and grabbed him by the upper arm, dragging him to his feet. She looked him in his dull, gray-brown eyes, “And we all have to live with that. Every. Single. Day. We have to wake up and bathe and eat and go to work, every day, whether they’re here or not.”

Tony ripped his arm free from her grasp, “Like you don’t coddle Delphine? Cosima’s been dead for ten years and you still let her mope around!”

“Delphine didn’t enable Cosima through a decade of drug use, Tony.” Her words were a slap in the face, “Delphine worked her ass off for two hours to save Felix’s life! She cried and sweat over his convulsing body! That’s why she gets to _mope_! Because she didn’t say she’d ‘handle it’ like you did when everyone begged you to get Felix into rehab.”

“I was handling it!” His voice was high-pitched and strained

Beth shoved him and he toppled back onto the mess of plastic bottles on the bed, “You were handling it until you weren’t.” She shook her head and looked down at him with a contemptuous glare, “Don’t you dare blame Delphine for what happened to Felix. There’s only one person to blame!” 

Tony was crying, covering his face with the ratty motel towel, “I’m so sorry.”

She sighed, and as the air left her lungs, so did the anger, “—and that’s Felix.” He sobbed louder, turning his face into the pillows. Beth turned away from him and took in the murky light coming through the holes in musty, plaid curtains. “Take a shower, Tony.”

***

Helena’s normally wide-eyed gaze grew until her rusty orbs were the size of saucers. Beth shifted her weight from foot to foot and sucked her cheek between her molars, “Helena.”

“Hello, Beth. Tony.” The blonde, hair still irregularly bleached until it burnt into tight waves, opened the door wider, “Come inside.” The moment the door was open far enough a black streak flew past Helena. His thick body wiggled back and forth with the force of his wagging tail. It banged violently against Beth’s knees and she grunted against the pain. She’d have yelled at the dog, but he was whining too loud to hear her anyway and Tony was down on the ground wrestling the big black lab in a loving chokehold.

“Ay, Xander! Ay, boy!” Tony roughed the rolls of thick skin and dandruffy fur around his dog’s neck. “Did you miss me, buddy?! You didn’t think I’d forgotten about you, didja?”

Beth stepped into the house, dusty and warm. Just as homey as it had always been. Nothing had changed in the months since she’d moved out. “Is anyone here?”

Helena’s head bobbed in a broad nod that moved her torso with it, “Yes. Sarah and Kira are upstairs reading a book.”

“S?” Tony asked, he looked up from where he was knelt on the ground, his hands still digging into the dog’s fur while it sniffed and slobbered happily over his jeans— dirty and torn.

Helena chewed her lips and shook her head, “She will be home soon.”

He took a deep breath and stood, tilting enough at the waist to tug lovingly at Alexander’s ears. As Tony walked in the dog followed close on his heels, keeping his greying face pressed up into Tony’s palm. “Do you mind if we…” he gestured to the couch, “hang around until she gets back?”

The twin couldn’t take her eyes off of him, like he was some apparition— a ghost of an old friend. Before she could answer, the familiar sound of Sarah’s heavy footfalls came from down the hall. “What’s Xan goin’ on about?” She stopped at the top of the stairs and took their guests in with a surprised expression that matched her sister’s exactly. Beth was reminded again just how similar the two women were at their core. Her eyebrows crept together, a crease forming between them. “When did they let you out?” Sarah’s voice was teasing but her gaze was still large and shocked.

Tony cleared his throat and shrugged uncomfortably, “Yesterday.”

“Mummy?” A small face popped from around Sarah’s legs, little hands slipping around to rest flat against the fronts of Sarah’s thighs.

The punk (still punk, if a bit subdued with age) reached down to drop a hand against blonde curls, “Not now, baby.”

Tony crouched low and extended his arms outward. He was immediately tackled by the lab but he held his balance well and kept his arms open for the little girl, “Hey, Monkey. Didja miss me?”

“Uncle Tony, you’re back!” Kira was bounding down the stairs and jumping into Tony’s outstretched arms in the span of a heartbeat.

He stood, lifting her in a tight bearhug, twisting back and forth at the waist and growling playfully. “You know I couldn’t leave you for long, girl.” She giggled, her short arms found their way around his neck, and she pressed a kiss to the cheek that wasn’t covered in dog slobber.

Beth turned her eyes to meet Sarah’s, “I hope you don’t mind us dropping by.”

Sarah gave a noncommittal shrug, “It’s whatever.” She snubbed her nose, “You know you guys are always welcome here,” but her tone was unsure, uncomfortable— she didn’t mean it.

Regardless, the sentiment didn’t go unnoticed, Beth dropped her head and nodded towards the ground, “Right. Tony’s got some business with S. I’ll, uh, leave you guys to it.” She clapped Tony on the shoulder, “Call me when you’re done, I’ll come pick you up.”

Tony frowned and looked between Beth and Sarah, “It’s a long drive back downtown.”

Beth shrugged, “No big deal.”

“Sarah,” Tony looked up at her, shaking his head, “don’t do this. I just got out. Can we all be civil for a while? We’re a family.”

Sarah ruminated for a few beats before sighing and thumping down the stairs, dragging her hand down the railing. “Family…” she grumbled, and after a pause she added: “Come on in then, stop standing around like a bunch of weird strangers,” and herded them towards the living room with a limp wave of her arm.

Tony and Helena sat on the couch with Kira between them, tugging on her curls and tickling her ribs, while Alexander grunted and waggled his upper body as far onto the couch as he could without getting chastised. Sarah and Beth retreated to the kitchen. “Cuppa?” Sarah asked, already filling the kettle with water and snapping it onto its base.

“Sure.” Beth watched the punk flip the switch and reach up to dig through the cupboards. “Thanks for letting me stay,” whether she meant it or not, she wasn’t sure, but it was the only thing she could think to say and it just came out on its own.

Sarah shrugged, pulling down two mugs, “Tony’s right, we’re family.”

Beth walked the few steps to the pantry and pulled out the airtight jar filled with tea bags. “We’re certainly a dysfunctional one.”

“Aren’t they all?” Sarah reached into the jar for two bags, dropping one in each mug. Beth nodded and they stood in silence, both with arms crossed, both leaning a hip against the countertop. The water started to bubble in the kettle, slow and rolling. Sarah sucked her teeth audibly and spoke, “How’s Delphine?”

Beth sighed and ran a hand through her hair, “Not good.”

“We missed her at the funeral,” a roughness tinged her voice. The kettle clicked off and Sarah filled both cup with steaming water.

Beth tugged her bottom lip between her fingers and shrugged, “She blames herself.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” Sarah nodded and set the pitcher back on its base. Her response was gruff and well rehearsed, like she reminded herself often, “She did what she could.”

“I tell her that every day, and she knows…doesn’t change how she feels.”

“Can’t imagine it would.” Sarah fished a spoon from a drawer and swirled her tea bag around, “Has Tony gone—?”

“It was the first place we went.” Beth took the spoon when she offered it and stirred slowly, the metal ringing out against the ceramic sides of the cup. Her voice dropped low, to a whisper, “He’s just so angry.”

Sarah blew gently over the scalding liquid, “He hasn’t had the time we all have. He’s just been sitting, stewing.”

She nodded, pressed the bag to the side of her mug with the back of the spoon, “He hates Delphine.”

“Yeah, well, we all had a lot of misplaced anger for a while,” the punk’s eyes fell on Tony, where he laughed and bounced Kira on his knee. “When I hit the top of the stairs there…” she shook her head, “I can’t say my first thought was that I was happy to see him.”

Beth’s gaze moved to the man as well, “He’s family.”

Sarah exhaled sharply from her nose, “That’s the only reason he’s not knocked out cold on the floor.”


	3. Chapter 3

Beth was sweaty and out of breath when she fit her key in the lock, turned the knob. Delphine had her back to the door. She was standing in the kitchen, head down, focused on a packet of papers settled on the counter, wobbling a pen back and forth between her fingers.

“You’re home early.” Beth shut the door behind her.

Delphine spun her watch face around to the top of her wrist and glanced at it, “Il est dix-sept heures.”

Beth pursed her lips and furrowed her brow, “Oh.” She pulled her phone from her pocket— 5 o’clock. She shrugged and walked to the bar, “I must’ve lost track of time.”

“How long were you out?” Delphine still hadn’t looked up from her paperwork, just occasionally ticked off a check box or scribbled something down.

“A while.” Beth drummed her fingers against the counter. She watched the shifting muscles of Delphine’s back, the spreading of her ribcage with steady breaths. “Sarah asked about you yesterday.”

The blonde spun sharply, her eyes wide and lips parted. “What?”

Beth held up her hands, “She wanted to know if you were okay.”

Delphine’s body slackened a bit, losing some tension. “Oh.”

She rolled her head around on her neck and looked off into the living room, “She’s got some crazy idea that you might blame yourself for Felix’s death.” Delphine grunted and turned back to her work. Beth licked her lips, “On est invité à dîner demain soir, you know? I told Mrs. S I’d ask if you wanted to—”

“What did she say about Tony?”

The brunette paused for a beat, “Sarah or Mrs. S?”

Delphine glanced over her shoulder before looking back down at the packet, “Mrs. S.”

“She was happier to see him than I expected,” Beth sniffled, her nose runny from running through the cool air. “Open arms, all that…”

The doctor grunted again.

“Delphine…”

“Don’t you have a game to watch?”

Beth sighed and flattened her hands against the bar’s marble top, pushing herself off and turning towards the living room. She flipped the tv on and dropped the remote down onto the coffee table— it clattered loudly. She turned again to the blonde, “I’m going to take quick a shower.”

“Mhm.”

Beth watched Delphine’s back for a moment longer before making her way to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her and stripped her clothes off, sliding open one of the frosted glass doors of the shower and turning the water on. She plugged her phone into the speaker-dock sitting on the counter and flicked through to the song she wanted. The heavy spray was loud against the tile and glass, so she turned the music up until it was all she could hear. She sighed and took in her reflection, a hand coming up to delicately touch the sobriety chip hanging around her neck.

_Alison had dug her hand into the pocket of Beth’s jeans on Christmas Eve and pulled out the banged up 6 month chip the taller girl had been carrying since August. She ran her thumb over the dulled etching and bit her lip, “I know it’s a little early,” her chapstick was sticky and wet where her tongue had tapped against it when she leaned in and grazed Beth’s ear, whispering, “but I got you something.”_

_“Oh yeah?” Beth smiled, her fingers slipping under the hem of Alison’s shirt._

_“Mhm,” she glanced up to make sure her parents were happily singing carols in the kitchen, “close your eyes.”_

_Beth slid her eyes shut without hesitation and held her breath. Alison shifted slightly and Beth felt the chain come down over her head, Alison’s cold knuckles brushing against her neck. “Can I open now?”_

_Alison giggled, “Yes.”_

_Her girlfriend’s smiling face was the first thing she saw. She scrunched her chin down to get a good look at the necklace. Alison had her fingertips wrapped around the coin, it was heavily decorated, thick, etched, bronze. It had a raised ‘1’ in the center of it, and the number was cupped at the bottom by a much smaller ‘year’. “Oh, wow.”_

_“Do you like it?” Alison lifted her fingers from it, straightening her ponytail and fiddling with the buttons on her cardigan, “It’s not February yet, but I- I’ll be back at school. I didn’t want to miss out on giving you this in person.”_

_Beth smiled and pulled Alison’s hands from where they were crossed tightly over her chest, “I love it… I love you.” The shorter girl relaxed, leaning into Beth’s open arms and receiving a deep, thankful kiss._

She shook her head clear and stepped into the high tub, sliding the glass door shut behind her. She dropped her head forward into the steaming blast of water and tugged out her hair elastic. The first thing Alison did when she settled in Portland was move her parents to the city. Christmases in Toronto weren’t necessary after that, and Beth’s chips started to come in the mail. She grit her teeth as she lifted her face into the water and rubbed her eyes and cheeks, _”I didn’t want to miss out on giving you this in person.”_

She heard the bathroom door close and pulled her head out of the spray. She wiped the water from her eyes to find the distorted figure of Delphine sitting on the counter, head bowed and long arms hanging between her knees. “Delphine?” There was no answer, only the rhythmic sound of water coming from the shower head and the steady beat of Beth’s music. She rested her palm against the glass and waited patiently. 

“Did S actually invite us to dinner?”

“Yes.”

“Did she invite you or did she invite both of us?”

“Nous deux, Delphine. Je ne te mentirais pas, you know that.” Beth thought she could hear the blonde sniffle. Through the glass she could see the misshapen form of hands coming up to cover Delphine’s face. Beth slid the door open and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around herself and then reaching up to wrap her arms around the shaking woman. “She doesn’t blame you, no one blames you.”

“Tony does.”

“Tony is an idiot.”

Delphine struggled to wipe away her hot tears before they joined the droplets of water scattered across Beth’s shoulders. “He’s just lost the love of his life, Beth, je sais ce que ça fait.”

She didn’t have anything to say, so she held Delphine’s cheeks in her hands and rocked up onto her toes to press her lips against the blonde’s forehead. She just whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Delphine took a deep breath and hopped off the counter, “Alison’s game is about to start.”

Beth turned back to the shower, “She can go fuck herself.”

Delphine chuckled, “Yeah, you’re not fooling anyone. You have two minutes before kick-off.”

Beth listened to the door close.

***

Delphine had the channel changed by the time Beth wandered into the living room. “Tu ratais les cinq premières minutes.” Delphine said, gesturing at the television. It was still 0 - 0.

“Good. I didn’t want to listen to the bullshit commentary anyway, all they ever talk about is Rachel and Alison’s rivalry— like they hate each other or something.” Beth grumbled, “T’as faim?”

“Non. Rachel is yelling at the referee already. They’re calling her an English international. Isn’t that what they call players from other countries? Wouldn’t she be a Canadian international?”

Beth grunted from the kitchen, pulling open the cabinets aimlessly, “Yeah, but she chose to play for England years ago.” She twisted open a jar of peanut butter and grabbed a spoon. “She has dual citizenship, so she could’ve played for either, but it’s a one-time choice— once you choose you can’t go back.” A shrug, “I guess she was bitter that Canada didn’t show any interest until she was in college. You remember how personally she used to take things.”

“Wasn’t that always her dream? To play for Canada?” Delphine craned her neck to watch Beth walking closer, spoon sticking out of her mouth.

Beth’s lips twisted around the metal in a cruel smile, “Yeah. I mean, her family moved here when she was so young, I don’t think she had any allegiance to England at all.” She rounded the couch and flopped down next to Delphine. She gathered up more peanut butter and offered it to the blonde, “Dreams change, I guess.”

As soon as the words were out in the open they quieted, both letting the weight of them sink in for a moment. Delphine took the spoon and nodded, whispering, “Yes, they do.”

They sat in silence for a few beats, the muted tv only partly holding their attention. Beth’s voice was low when she spoke, “Alison’s never did, though.”

Delphine glanced over at Beth before turning back to the tv, “Some of them.”

Beth made a noise of vague agreement, “Playing for the US wasn’t exactly what she had planned.”

It was with her eyes glued to the television that Delphine mumbled, around a sticky mouthful, “Neither was leaving you.”

Beth bit her cheek sharply.

On the tv, in stunning high definition, Alison slid across the grass— knocking the ball out from in front of Rachel’s feet and sending the forward toppling onto the pitch at the sideline. “Watching Rachel eat dirt never gets old,” Beth took the spoon back from Delphine and scooped more peanut butter into her mouth. Her words were muffled by the tacky snack, “it’s the most satisfying thing ever.”

Delphine laughed, “I was just thinking the same thing. I can’t believe she’s taking a hand up.” Alison stood first and reached down to pull Rachel from the ground. The blonde threw both hands in the air once she had her feet under her, staring at the referee with disbelief.

“Right?” Beth rolled her eyes and gestured to the tv, “That was a clean tackle, Rachel is pathetic.” They passed the spoon again while a frustrated Rachel threw the ball back into play. It found one of her teammates and the player managed to move into the attacking third, passing to another white shirt. The ball traveled between Flash players until it made it’s way back to Rachel and she buried it in the back of the net. “Fuckkk,” Beth groaned.

It was less than two minutes before PTFC snatched an equalizer; another ten after that, a gust of wind caught a goal kick and sent the ball sailing over the midline. A Portland player headed it further along and it made it’s way to Alison’s feet. She was in better form than she was all through high school. While many of her skills had improved, Beth was still the most impressed by her natural ability to avoid opponents outright. She kept her head up, darting quickly through the pack. A gentle tap sent the ball to a friendly player at her hip when she was pressed by a defender as they approached the box. Alison cut left, trying to lose her tail, but the ball was cleared and the whistle blew for halftime.

“I know you love soccer, Beth, but I cannot wait for hockey season.” Delphine shook her head.

Beth grinned, winked, “Olé Olé Olé.”

After the teams returned to the pitch, it took Alison twenty minutes and three more presses up-field before she found her first point of the game. Catching the ball off a deflected set piece, she chested it to the ground and, with a powerful right-footed second touch, sent it ricocheting off a defender and into the net.

Beth and Delphine calmed their cheering long enough to enjoy the reaction shot of Rachel— lips pressed tight and slicking sweat away from her forehead the back of her hand before shouting with barely restrained fury at her teammates. They watched the slow motion replay and Beth stood by the television and pointed out each tiny detail, from Alison’s eyeline to her followthrough, while Delphine rolled her eyes, laughing.

Beth made her way back to the couch but spun on her heel when Delphine’s eyes widened and she started to point wildly. It was the Thorns once again, rallying after a goal kick. The keeper for the Flash leapt in the air to catch the ball coming in off of a cross and crashed into a Portland forward looking to get her head to it. She managed to punch it away just it time, but couldn’t get her feet under her, the two women landing awkwardly in a heap. Alison ran past them to meet the ball and dribbled her way straight into the net.

Rachel was in the referee’s personal space, advocating for a foul with a handful of white kits behind her. The official thrust a hand into her purple, twisted, face but she wouldn’t let up, following the referee with clenched fists and screamed words. Without missing a beat the woman ran out of patience, reached into her back pocket and pulled out a red card, lifting it high in the air above their nearly touching heads.

Beth’s jaw dropped and she was jumping onto the couch in an instant, the cushions bowing under her weight. “Rachel! YES!”

Alison trotted over to where her former teammate was spitting, thrashing with rage. She was clearly trying to calm the blonde but Rachel was having none of it, ripping her armband off and shoving it into a teammate’s chest on her way off the pitch. Alison followed her at the hip all the way to the sidelines, talking loudly, hands placating.

***

“And then Rachel got sent off for dissent, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Beth was laughing, her arms stretched wide towards the ceiling over S’s dinner table.

Delphine nodded, shuffling her food around with the tines of her fork, “Yes. Alison scored two of the three goals for her team. With Rachel gone they didn’t have much of an attacking force.”

“And Ali just swept up.” Beth grinned around a mouthful of chicken.

S pointed at Sarah, “I heard her shouting at the telly all the way upstairs, I figured it was something.”

Beth turned to Sarah who lowered her eyes to her food, “You watched the game? You’ve never been a soccer fan.”

Sarah shrugged dismissively and nudged her daughter with her elbow, “So, Monkey, you had a question for Uncle Tony?”

Kira smiled and nodded enthusiastically, “They are opening a dog park by my school. Do you think you could start bringing Alexander when you come pick me up? That way we can go on our way home every day?”

Tony’s silver tooth glinted in the low lighting, “Yeah, yeah, totally. That sounds like an awesome plan.”

Cal spoke up, “You guys can hang out there for a while and then when I get off work we can get in some field hockey practice. Now that Uncle Tony is back we’ll have a goalie again!” He reached over with a big hand to tickle her stomach. The table laughed along with her squealing giggles.

Beth leaned forward and rested her forearms against the edge of the table, “You’re playing field hockey, Kira?” The little girl nodded while she caught her breath. “You should look into soccer, you know, I think—“

“Beth!” Tony groaned, “Give it up!”

“What?!” She shouted, defensive, throwing her hands up, “I’ve seen the kid run, she’s fast as lightning.”

“You are very quick.” Helena lunged a bit and grinned at Kira from across the table, she’d dropped her body far enough forward that her hair was brushing against her food.

Kira smiled and laughed, “I’m way faster than you, Auntie Helena!”

“Noooo,” Helena’s lips twisted, “I can catch you.”

“You cannot!” Kira slid to the ground and ran a lap around the table. As she passed by Helena, she dodged out of the way of the blonde who was turning out of her chair with an arm outstretched to grab her. They were both running, feet thudding loudly against the floor.

S had to shout over everyone’s laughing, “Hey! Get outside! How many times do I have to tell you two not to run in the bloody house.” She stood and opened the screen door to the backyard, waving them both out. They rounded the table on their next lap and passed her in a blonde blur, their laughter diffusing in the open air outside.

S brushed her hands together as she latched the door behind them, shaking her head. She turned back to the table and took stock of her full house. “Everyone finished?” Off their nods she gestured to the sink, “Then get cleaning.”

Delphine and Beth stayed a few hours longer. The blonde stood uneasily at S’s side while watching the rest of the group start up a loud game of tag.

_“There is no bloody Safe, Beth!” They stood in front of a tree, Beth with both palms flat on the knotted bark, Sarah screaming at the top of her lungs._

_“There is always Safe, Sarah! Don’t they teach you how to play tag in England?!”_

And when they said their goodbyes, Beth looked on as Mrs. S pulled Delphine aside.

She strained to hear their exchange, but Tony and Helena were taking turns blowing raspberries one after another on Kira’s stomach and she couldn’t make out anything over the noise. All she knew was both women were teary eyed by the end of their conversation and the hug that followed was long and tight-armed.

***

Beth looked over at Delphine from the passenger’s seat, she broached the topic cautiously, “So what did you and S talk about?”

Delphine stole a glance at Beth before turning her eyes back to the road. “Felix.”

Beth nodded and watched the trees pass by. They drove for some time in silence before Delphine spoke again, “It really was a good game.”

“Yeah…” The excitement and pride she felt watching Alison play always drained in the hours after as the memories flooded back— the pain of seeing Alison’s car drive away, of watching her flights take off.

“When is Alison coming in?”

Beth ground her teeth together, the flesh of her cheek rolling between her molars. She shrugged. “Après-demain.”

She could hear Delphine’s slow and even breathing; she struggled to match it, _in and out, in and out._ “Is she staying with us?”

Beth sighed, “Nous n'avons pas vraiment parlé à propos de ça.” She shifted in her seat, slouched, adjusting the seatbelt so it was looser around her waist and wasn’t cutting into the side of her neck. “I’m sure she’ll stay at a hotel.” She quickly changed the subject— “Tony could have said two words to you.”

“I didn’t expect him to.”

“Still, it would have been nice.” Beth picked at the hem of her shirt, brushed her hand over her denim-clad knee.

Delphine shrugged and licked her lips. “Il était poli.”

“He didn’t talk to you at all. He couldn’t even look at you.”

The tall woman’s mouth twisted into something between a smile and a grimace, “But he didn’t yell.”

Beth grunted, “Whatever.”

“You are more hostile than usual this year,” Delphine’s thumbs thudded an awkward rhythm against the wheel as she steered both the car and their conversation, “I mean, you are always hostile about Alison, but things are different this time— I can see it.”

“Nothing is different.”

Delphine sucked against her bottom lip for a few beats, “So the news of her citizenship hasn’t—“

“Delphine!” Beth sharply cut her off, her head whipping around to fix the blonde with a glare as she straightened back up in her seat. “Can you not?”

“You should talk about your feelings, Beth.”

She let her attention ease out the window and when she spoke it was with all of the venom she could muster, “Yeah? Toi d'abord. You want to talk about Cos? Felix?” Her words scathed Delphine, “Be my fucking guest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Olé Olé Olé! Beth got Delphine into hockey after Alison left for North Carolina. They're rabid Habs fans.


	4. Chapter 4

“Beth.” Delphine’s knuckles at her door woke her. “Beth, ta cellule sonne depuis ce matin.” She cracked it open and poked her head inside.

Beth groaned and rolled onto her back, covering her eyes with her forearm.

“You left it on the kitchen counter. I looked, I’m sorry— it’s Tony.”

“He’s just going to piss me off.”

Delphine smiled softly and walked into the room, sitting heavily on the edge of the bed. “You should call him.”

“He probably just wants to ask if I’m interested in finding a place to live. I’m sure he’s already sick of sharing a room with Helena.” Beth dropped her arm down onto the mattress with a bounce and rolled her eyes.

They quieted. Delphine’s smile faded and she looked down at Beth’s phone, flipping it end over end between her hands, running fingertips over the small imperfections in the screen.

“Hey,” Beth said, reaching for Delphine’s hip, “je suis désolée pour hier soir.” The French woman spared her a small smile before looking back to the phone. “I shouldn’t have said that shit. I was just—“

“I know,” Delphine slid down onto her side. Beth nestled against her back, forehead pressed between her shoulder blades, eyes closed tight. Delphine pulled the shorter woman’s arm over her side and whispered, “this isn’t easy for any of us.”

Beth took deep breaths, exhaling into Delphine’s t-shirt. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Oui.”

She hummed, “You have patients.”

Delphine sighed, “Oui.”

Beth nudged her, jabbing the point of her chin into Delphine’s spine, “Get upppp! Go to work!”

Delphine groaned and contorted her body away from the pain of Beth’s bony jaw, “Merde! Beth!” She shoved her away and flopped onto her back laughing.

Beth smacked her hand down on Delphine’s stomach. “Go on, get out of here.”

“Why don’t you go find a job, you bum?” Delphine rolled to the floor and made her way out the door, throwing over her shoulder, “And call Tony.”

Beth dragged herself to the side of the bed, fists gripping the edge of the mattress. She looked down at her phone, on the floor where it had fallen. She reached down and grabbed it, lighting up the screen— four missed calls. Beth let out a tired groan and rolled onto her back.

***

Tony was lumbering along, Alexander walking happily at his side. His stride was wide to hold up pants that were threatening to slip all the way down to the sidewalk. Beth slowed the car and rolled down her window. “You need a belt, man.”

He flashed her a smile and turned towards her, wandering backwards. He pulled up his shirt— he was wearing a belt already, and it looked to be on the last hole, the excess leather tucked into his front pocket. His normally rounded stomach was nothing more than a pooch and his hair was still dull— after days of showers prison still clung to him.

She chuckled and shook her head, “Do you want a ride? Maybe if you’re really nice we’ll go buy you some new clothes.”

He laughed and walked to the curb, opening the back door and letting Alexander hop into the back on arthritic knees. “Thanks, Beth.” He shut the door and opened the passenger’s side, ducking his head in first, “Kira’s school isn’t far— just around the corner.” He took a deep breath and spoke quickly as he climbed in the car, “Hey, I tried calling you a few times this morning.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Before he could explain, she continued, “I’ll be honest, I have ulterior motives.”

“You mean you’re not just here to take me shopping?” He clucked his tongue and shook his head.

She snorted, “No, I wanted to talk to you about last night.”

“Yeah? It was a good time. Kira really likes you, you know? It’s too bad you’re not around more. No one is mad at you for leaving after I got locked up anymore. It’s not like you could have helped Fee, I don’t think he’d have cleaned up for—”

“Tony,” she glanced over at him.

He sighed, “Now isn’t a good time, Beth… Look, I need to talk to you about something else.”

“We’re doing this now. You can’t keep treating Delphine like crap.”

He was quiet for a few beats before twisting in his seat to look at her, “I didn’t say shit to her, I was real nice.”

“Yeah, you didn’t say shit to her,” she grumbled, “that’s exactly it.”

He made a move to open the door and Beth hit the lock in response, “You planning on jumping out while we’re moving, Tony?”

“I’m not looking to get yelled at, Beth. I called you because I needed your help with something.”

“Does it sound like I’m yelling?” She ignored him as she took a right hand turn, “If S and the twins aren’t mad at her, maybe you need to reevaluate why you are.”

He grunted, “We had this conversation already.”

She glared his way for a second, “I’m glad you remember it, as drunk as you were.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, you made your point.”

They pulled into a parking spot outside the school and Beth jerked up the e-brake. They both stared out the windshield. “She’s just a shell of the person you used to know. All this negativity you’re harboring for her only makes things worse. She needs our support—“

“No, Beth, I need your support.”

“And you have it.” She unfastened her seatbelt and opened her door, moving to step out but stopping to say “You have it until you try and drag her down with you. You can get off your high horse any time, Tony.” She shifted her weight out of the car waited for him to get out as well before she shut the door. “Take a step back and listen to the bullshit that is coming out of your mouth, blaming a doctor for not being able to save an overdosing patient? That’s totally—“

“Just go, would you?” He said, and he made his way towards the school without her.

“That’s totally ridiculous, Tony!” She yelled after his retreating back, “We’re visiting Cos and Felix the day after tomorrow, you’d better have your shit together by then!”

He whipped back around, screaming across the distance, “My dad is dead, Beth!”

She inhaled sharply and dropped her eyes to the ground.

His voice carried, “Right after I went in. My mom didn’t even think to call.” She could hear his shoes scuff against the asphalt, he was standing in the middle of the road, hands deep in his pockets. “I need to go home. I guess Mom has some things for me. I don’t even know why I thought calling you would be a good idea.”

Across the street the school bell rang and children’s happy screams started to fill the air. They stood at odds, a stretch of grass and the sidewalk between them. Tony shook his head and looked over his shoulder, “I’ve got to go get Kira.”

Beth nodded and opened the back door. Alexander dropped down to the ground and trotted to Tony’s side, tail wagging, oblivious of the tension. “I’ll call you later.”

He nodded and scooped the leash of the ground, avoiding her eyes. “Yeah. Later.”

***

Beth drove until she came to a familiar parking lot. She pulled the e-brake and sat in the silence of the car. She reached out and switched the radio on— she’d shut it off to talk with Tony and had been so distracted that she’d forgotten to turn it back on. It was a commercial. She sighed and dropped her head forward against the steering wheel.

After a few minutes, her fingers found the door handle and she popped it open, standing. Dark eyes fell on a nearby parking spot and she wandered over to it, shoving her hands into her pockets and kicking a rock along as she went.

_Alison was laughing, which was good, all things considered. She hiccuped and Beth eyed her warily from the back seat, “You okay?” She nodded. “You’re not going to puke all over me, are you?”_

_Alison leaned over the center console, her upper body tumbling into the back of the station wagon. “No, no, I’m good.”_

_Beth caught her by the arms. She wasn’t so sure. “I can’t believe Sarah let you mix pills and booze. I’m going to kill her.” She grunted with the effort of helping Alison all the way over the console._

_“Thanks for staying with me, Beth.” Alison still had one foot in the passenger’s seat, but her face was mashed against Beth’s chest and her arms were tight around Beth’s waist._

_“Yeah, no problem, Ali.” She almost smiled. “Come on, get back here.” She pulled harder and Alison came crashing down on top of her, “Oof!”_

_They stayed where they landed, unable to move. Alison managed to find her phone. “Hey, there you are!” She thumbed through the screens while Beth watched on._

_“Alison. Hey, Ali. Maybe…” She sighed and snatched the phone away, “Ali, drunk texting is not a good idea.”_

_Alison glared at her, “It’s for you.” She took it back and continued tapping away until Beth felt the vibration of her phone wedged underneath her. Alison grabbed her hands when she reached for it. “Don’t, it’s for when we wake up.”_

Beth sighed, _’Remind me in the morning how nice this feels.’_ She wished she could remind Alison now.

The heat was clinging to August, trail-goers wearing sweaters and scarfs in the morning gave way to those in t-shirts by midday. A bead of sweat finally succumbed to gravity and rolled down the back of Beth’s neck. It was muggy under her hair. She pulled it back into a ponytail and took a breath. Fists balled in her hoody pockets, she continued on. Walking the trails was less calming than running, and she wished she’d changed into jogging clothes before leaving the house. Slow steps left too much room for thought and her mind was racing.

Alison’s impeding arrival was a bitter taste in the back of her throat. Her heart wrenched in her chest. Dread loomed oppressive over her, weighing down her shoulders, crushing her lungs. If she could just get out from under it… She brushed away a stray tear and looked up at the sky, bright blue, sun shining.

_Alison’s smile skimmed over hers, “Don’t go,” Beth pleaded to her lips._

_“You know I have to.” Her hands were everywhere at once, light and barely there, yet so present, so sure. Beth’s eyes clenched shut, trying to stem tears. “I love you, Beth.”_

_She wanted to block out everything but the feel of fingers slipping under the short sleeves of her shirt. “I can’t do this without you.”_

_“You say that every year. But I come back and you’re still alive, you’re still breathing.”_

_She wasn’t so sure that she was alive, not really— not with Alison getting settled in Portland. “I just thought…”_

_“You thought I’d be back after college, I know.” Alison sighed, backed Beth against the wall just ahead of airport security. “This is my dream, Beth.”_

_“I know,” she barely managed to get the words out before Alison’s lips found hers. It hurt, knowing that Alison kissed her just to calm her, that the newly signed soccer star understood Beth’s body well enough to time her touches and presses for the best result._

_Alison pulled back long enough to whisper, “I’ll be back next year. You know I would never miss this. I’ve never missed visiting Cos, and I never will, no matter what.”_

_So Beth gave in. She dropped the pent up emotions and let Alison’s movement against her slow her anxious heart._

Beth shuddered out a breath and shook her head clear. The news of Tony’s father’s death crept up the back of her skull. She’d never met the man, and was thankful, but his vices hit particularly close to home. Thinking of her own mother made her hands tremble and her palms itch. She reached up and pulled her necklace from under her shirt collar, fingering the medallion, pressing her eyes closed once before turning to start the walk back to her car.

***

The thick wooden door was heavy, resistant against Beth’s hand as she tugged it open. The smell of hard liquor and stale beer hit her in a rush of hot air as she stepped over the threshold. The stench of olives and shame— everything was sticky with it. The establishment was empty, save for the punk guarding the bar. Sarah looked up and made eye contact, breaking it just as quickly. Without a word she went back to wiping down the counter with a wet rag. Beth swallowed and pulled her hood back, tugged her zipper down, dropped her keys into the pocket of her hoody. She made her way slowly towards the bar and ran her fingers over the lacquered wood, threw her leg over a stool. Sarah finally abandoned her rag, brushing her hands off by slapping them together, she turned to Beth. “You haven’t been by in a while.” When Beth just shrugged she continued, “The usual, then?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

Sarah grabbed a shot glass from under the bar and flipped it right-side up in her hand as she slammed it down. Her other hand brought up a bottle of whiskey and tipped it, filling the glass to the rim. She dropped the bottle into its place and turned back to her work. Beth stared the drink down. She reached for it, her hand trembling at the same frequency as the settling liquid under dim bar lights. She closed her fingers around the top of the glass and the rattling sent some liquid over the edge. She jerked her hand back, wiping the wetness off on her jeans and licking her lips. After a deep breath she reached out again. She spun the shot glass slowly between her fingertips.

The door creaked open and shut with a heavy thud. Sarah glanced up and pursed her lips, eyeing the new arrival for a few beats. Her rusty eyes flicked to Beth and then back up. “Don’t worry,” she said, “she won’t drink it. Never does.” Beth’s eyes slid closed, she clenched her jaw against the presence behind her. Sarah spoke again, “She comes in every now and then…just stares at it for a while.”

Beth’s head dropped, stretching the tension in the muscles along the back of her neck. She ground her teeth when she felt a body at her back. A cool hand landed on her shoulder and squeezed with a familiar strength.

“Ali,” she breathed the name on an exhale, letting out the lungful of air she’d been holding since the door first opened.

“Hey, Hot Shot.”

Beth slowly let go of the drink, carefully, so as not to spill it with the violent shake of her hand. She leaned back on the stool. “What are you doing here?”

Alison sat next to her and brushed some invisible nothingness off the freshly cleaned surface, “I needed a drink. What about you?”

“When did you pick up drinking?” Beth let out another unsteady breath. She nodded towards the shot glass in invitation.

Alison hesitated for a beat before she reached over and took it, knocking it back with a grimace. “There’s a difference between ‘having a drink’ and ‘picking up drinking’.”

“Is there? I guess I wouldn’t know.” Beth hadn’t looked at her, she couldn’t, just kept her eyes on the imperfect dark wood of the bar. “I thought you were coming in tomorrow.”

She felt the motion of Alison shrugging against her shoulder, “I caught an earlier flight.” There was silence for a minute. Sarah glanced up at them before going back to unloading steaming glasses from the dishwasher. Alison’s hand closed over the back of Beth’s neck. “Beth.” More silence. “Beth, look at me.” Beth sucked her cheek between her teeth and bit down, tugging at the soft flesh. She looked up and watched Sarah with forced interest. Alison said her name again and Beth felt cold, familiar fingers catch the underside of her chin. Alison pulled her jaw until they made eye contact. “Hey.”

“You haven’t said an honest word to me since you walked through that door.”

Alison sighed, “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“A year. Same as always. We missed you at Felix’s funeral.”

“Yeah…”

Beth sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Alison finally smiled, “did you catch the game?”

She nodded, “I haven’t missed one yet.”

Alison chuckled, “Yeah right, in six years?”

Beth was silent, she held Alison’s gaze seriously for a minute before looking away. “How was it— seeing Rachel’s face after the game?”

Alison sighed and ran her fingertips over the woodgrains, “Not as satisfying as you’d think.”

Sarah scoffed and finally spoke, “I can’t flip past TSN without seein’ that clip of her brushing you off after the game.”

Alison and Beth looked up in unison, both eyeing Sarah. The punk sucked on her teeth and shrugged before turning back to the dishwasher. A soft smile spread over Alison’s face, “Yeah, well. The media will make a big deal out of just about anything.”

“Like your citizenship?” Beth twisted her head to lock eyes with the shorter woman, expression stern.

Alison sat quietly for a few beats before nodding, whispering, “Yeah, like my citizenship.” She took a deep breath, “I’m going to use the washroom quickly, I’ll be right back.”

“Yeah, sure.” The look her ex shared with the punk did not go unnoticed by Beth.

Alison wandered off down a hallway and Beth spun the empty shot glass against the bar. Sarah glanced over at her, “You, uh, you want another?”

“What is she doing here?”

Sarah shrugged and went back to her odd jobs, “No clue what you’re talking about, mate.”

Beth sighed, “Don’t fuck with me, Sarah.”

“I asked her to come by,” Sarah gave. She moved closer to Beth and reached under the bar, upended a bottle of whisky into Beth’s newly emptied glass. “We have business.”

“If you get her in trouble doing something stupid, Sarah, I swear—“

“Oi!” Sarah thunked the bottle back into place below the counter, “S’not like that. I just had a question for her.”

“What kind of question?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” she waved Beth off and started down the hall, finding no reason to hide her intent anymore, “she doesn’t belong to you, Beth. She’s her own damn person.”

Beth grit her jaw. She banged her fist against the bar as soon as Sarah was out of sight and roughly shoved the shot glass away, spilling its contents everywhere. She spun, stood from her stool, and stomped out of the establishment without a second look.

_”If you go back to her, Dad, we’re done.”_

_“Beth.” He was pleading, his grey eyes begging, “She needs us. She’s been clean for three months, she needs support right now.”_

_Beth growled, “She needs to go jump off a fucking bridge, is what she needs.”_

_“She’s your mother, Beth!”_

_“She hasn’t been my mother for six years— and she sure as hell hasn’t been your fucking wife either. Don’t fool yourself, Dad.” She shoved past him, making her way towards the door of their shared apartment._

_He had his face in his hands, fingertips pressed roughly to his eyelids, “Beth! Goddamnit!”_

_Knob in hand, she walked into the hall, and just before she slammed the door she warned him, “I’m not joking. Go ahead and go back to Montreal, but don’t come looking for me when she falls off the wagon again.”_

She slammed the car door behind her, banging her fists against the steering wheel. Her phone pressed to her stomach, she could feel the heat of it through the fabric of her hoody and shirt. It called to her. She reached inside and yanked it out. She swiped to her contacts and put the phone to her ear, “Hey.”

“Beth.” Her dad sounded surprised.

She was gruff, short. “I was just checking in.”

“It’s been four years.” When she didn’t respond, he sighed, “Your cousin had a baby, the whole family is getting together for the baptism… “ his voice turned hopeful, “your Aunt Margret would love for you to be there. And Tilly? She’s been asking about you.”

“Of course she has, she’s a nosy brat.”

“She’s twenty now, Beth, I think she’s outgrown ‘brat’.” He chuckled lightly.

Beth sighed, he was so used to her anger that her biting remarks didn’t phase him anymore. She missed the days of her teens when he’d fumble around his words. “Yeah, I’m not coming to Montreal.” She hadn’t set foot back home since she’d left, hurried, packed in her father’s car with all of their worldly possessions— since she’d been exiled.

“Your mom is sober, Beth.”

She scoffed, “Yeah? That’s great. How long this time?” He took a deep breath, it took him too long to answer. She went on, “A week? A month?”

“Two years.”

Her eyebrows raised, she was sure it was the longest Brenda had gone without a drink in Beth’s entire life. “Well,” she forced her numb lips to form the words, “good for her.”

“Just…think about it, yeah?” Her dad said, his voice was distant, his mouth away from the receiver, then loud again as it moved closer, “We miss you, Beth.”

She hung up. She didn’t have anything to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death comes in threes for Tony, and sometimes it's welcomed.


	5. Chapter 5

She could hear the laughter coming from the backyard even as she pulled into the driveway. Kira’s high-pitched squealing and Cal’s roaring were full of motion, like he was chasing her from one end of the yard to the other. Tony’s laughter came from the pit of his stomach and the sound of it took her back to high school, the way it shook his whole body, the way his head flew back with the force of it; it was such an open and trusting noise, overflowing with happiness, love, good memories. She bit her cheek and pulled her key from the ignition.

She tried to run through the things she’d say to Tony while she walked around the house. Apologies were never her strong suit, she thought of all the half-hearted ‘I’m sorry’s she’d thrown around over the years— to Alison, to Sarah. Sometimes she wondered if Delphine was the only person she could be completely honest with. She stopped at the fence and took a deep, steeling, breath before grabbing the latch and flipping it.

Cal finally caught up to Kira, scooping her up and flipping her upside down in the air. He bit playfully at her stomach, bouncing with giggles, tickling her with his beard. Tony was barreling at them, shouting, “I’ll save you, Kira!” He grabbed her under her arms and tried to run away with her but Cal held her tight behind her knees. They tugged from both ends while she laughed and squirmed. The little girl’s brown eyes fell on Beth and she quieted, waved. Tony and Cal followed her gaze.

“Beth.” Tony lifted Kira’s shoulders higher, righting her when Cal dropped her legs.

“Tony,” Beth cleared her throat and gestured over her shoulder, “chat?”

“Yeah, sure.” He ruffled Kira’s hair and walked over, dragging his feet through the dead grass, digging his hands into his pockets in an imitation of Beth’s pose. “What’s up?” He asked when they were only feet apart. Behind him, Kira and Cal found their abandoned sticks and picked up their game of hockey where they’d left off.

Beth sighed, “Hey, I uh…” she struggled, “I’m sorry I jumped down your throat earlier.”

Tony shrugged and looked away, spitting into the dirt. “It’s cool.”

“You know how I get.” She said it like it was an acceptable excuse. Some small part of her knew it wasn’t, but she couldn’t bring herself to face it.

He scoffed and nodded. “Whatever, man.”

She rubbed the back of her neck. “Do you want to visit your mom? I can take you.” She pulled the keys out of her pocket and held them with both hands.

Tony looked over his shoulder at father and daughter, “Um… yeah, I guess. She says she’s got some stuff for me— Pa’s stuff.”

Beth threw a thumb towards the gate and Tony led the way back to the car. “What kind of stuff?” She asked, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence as they moved around the side of the old house and back to the driveway with its cracked pavement and sprouting weeds.

He glanced at her over the car as he opened the passenger’s door. “No clue. Nothing I’ll want, I’m sure.”

They climbed in and shut the doors in unison.

***

Tony’s mom was a small, weathered, woman. Deep bags under her eyes and hollow cheeks sloping down to a sagging jawline aged her, though Beth thought she had to be younger than her features suggested. She faced Tony without the warmness that even Beth’s mother’s entreating eyes offered.

But the woman opened her arms for him and he welcomed it, dropping his head low to press his face to her shoulder— clearly seeking some deep affection he would never get from her. He was a head taller than her, and much bulkier, but he was nothing more than a small child in her arms. Beth shifted her weight and worried her cheek.

“Sorry I wasn’t here when it happened, Ma.” Tony was quieter than Beth had ever heard him. He sounded close to tears.

Mrs. Sawicki patted his back the way someone does when they’re trying to end a hug that’s gone on too long; it took Tony another beat to get the message and he pulled back with downcast eyes. “Your father? No, it’s a damn shame you were in when Ma Moon passed, Tony, you could have made something of yourself.” She turned into the house, adding over her shoulder as she shuffled along, “She left that moron Rudy in charge. That could have been you.”

He hung his head and followed her, “I’m sorry, Ma.”

“You know ‘sorry’s don’t mean shit, Antoine.”

“Sorr—“ he stopped himself and snapped his jaw closed.

Beth didn’t think it could be possible, but the house was even more run down on the inside than it was from the street. She tried to rub the sting of ammonia from her nose and stepped back quickly, nearly tripping over two cats as they darted by, one howling angrily at the other. They made their way to the kitchen where dishes caked with dried food piled up in the sink and overflowed onto every available surface. Empty cat food cans littered the floor. Beth was suddenly thankful for the smell of urine, dreading whatever rotting stench it overpowered.

Mrs. Sawicki threw open a cabinet and reached up on tip toes to grab a cookie tin. “Here, your Pa wanted you to have this.” She pried it open with the tips of her fingers and pulled a battered pocket watch from inside. “It was your grandfather’s.” She handed it to Tony without ceremony.

He took it gingerly, testing its weight and flipping it over in his palm. “Wow, it looks really old.”

“Yeah, well, it ain’t worth shit,” she grumbled, “the pawn shop wouldn’t give me nothin’ for it.”

Tony sighed and slipped it in his pocket. He rubbed his forehead and looked up at her back, “How was he? When he went?”

She glanced over her shoulder while she fit the lid back on, “Your father?”

Tony shifted, “Yeah, Ma, how was he?”

“Angry ’til his last breath. You know your Pa.” She slid the tin back in its place. “His last words were ‘get me a damn beer, woman’.” Her imitation must have been spot on because she thoroughly amused herself. Her head dropped back and she let out a cackle, Beth could see where Tony got the motion from— though her laugh was tense and short where his was full, free.

Tony sniffled and nodded, keeping his head down. “I’m staying back at S’s place.”

“I had Joanie get Rudy’s number for you,” she opened each of the drawers set into the counter in turn and every one looked like a junk drawer, all full of disorganized papers, pens, and loose batteries— a can opener in one, scissors and a screwdriver in another, “it’s around here somewhere.”

Tony’s voice finally found some strength in his budding frustration, “I have Rudy’s number, Ma.”

She turned on him, “Good,” thrusting a finger pointedly against his sternum, she hissed, “maybe you can get yourself a damn job. Folks been talkin’ ‘bout you, you know?”

“I don’t care what they say.” He looked away.

“Well you should! That’s our family’s reputation, boy.” She turned her back to him again, busying herself with opening cans of wet cat food and mumbling under her breath, “The Sawicki name used to mean something.”

Tony took a deep breath. Beth could see his hands trembling. “Felix died.”

Mrs. Sawicki stiffened for a moment before bustling on as what Beth could only describe as a herd of cats came running into the kitchen from all directions. “Everybody’s up and dying these days.” There wasn’t an ounce of sympathy in her voice.

Beth watched Tony’s face crumple and scrunch tight, “Yeah.” He turned to look at Beth. She tilted her head and pulled a hand from her pocket, fingers briefly brushing against his arm. His mother didn’t say anything else, so he finally spoke, “We should go.”

“Antoine,” Mrs. Sawicki finished laying out the three cans of food she’d opened. “You call Rudy, you hear me? You get yourself a job, boy. You do good by your father and your uncle.”

His lips twisted to the side of his face and he nodded. She gave him another hug— tighter this time, but still lacking anything substantial. When she let him go he turned to Beth, “Let’s go,” he whispered.

She pulled her keys from her pocket and led the way out of the house.

Tony slammed the screen door angrily, slammed the car door behind him as he flopped against the seat. Beth looked out the windshield at nothing in particular, just waiting for him to say whatever it was he clearly needed to get off his chest.

“The Sawicki name used to mean something?” He spat, “The Sawicki name never meant shit.” He lashed out at the dashboard with a balled fist, slamming his knuckles against it. “Sawickis ain’t nothing but ‘errand boys’. We’ve been Ma Moon’s suckers for decades, that’s all we’re known for— runners and thieves. There ain’t no honor in that.”

Beth shook her head, “I can’t believe you took the fall for Ma Moon again, Tony. Seven months is a long time for someone who—”

He wasn’t listening, “She was never going to give me the business, she’d been grooming Rudy for years! My mother is fucking delusional.” His voice was shaking when he finally calmed, “If I hadn’t of gone in, Beth, I’d have been around for Felix. I’d have been there when he needed me most.”

She sighed and turned her eyes out the window to look at the overgrown lawn. “Yeah…” She took in a deep breath and after a few beats she whispered— “You need some new pants.”

***

“Yeah?” Tony stood in the doorway to the changing room, twisting his hips this way and that, trying to look over his shoulder at his backside.

Beth smiled and nodded. “Yeah.” She pulled out a pack of gum and popped two free of the blister pack. “They look good.”

Tony smirked, “I’m not worried about how _they_ look, I’m worried about how _I_ look in ‘em.”

She handed him a piece of gum and slipped the other between her lips, speaking around it, “Well, you look great.”

She caught sight of his silver tooth, glinting, as his eyes moved down his own body before taking in hers. He chuckled and leaned into her space, “Damn girl, look at us…”

“We’re hot.” Beth smiled, pulling the gum fully into her mouth and biting down.

He clapped her shoulder and spun around to stand at her side, “Yeah we are.”

“Alright, take ‘em off.” She elbowed him towards the dressing room.

Tony held up his hands, “Hey now, I’m not that easy.”

She rolled her eyes, “Yes you are.”

He held the door in his hand, shutting it slowly, “Yes I am.”

Beth snorted and pulled her phone from her pocket. She stared down at the text Alison had sent her an hour ago: ‘Cal said you were out with Tony, can we talk when you get back?’ She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She knew she should return the text, but she didn’t know what to say. Being around Alison wasn’t easy. The closer they were the harder her heart pulled, pressed to the inside of her ribcage— like a magnet just trying to snap into place against Alison’s sternum. It took every ounce of willpower she had to not trail her fingertips over the inside of fragile wrists until her palms were gripping tight to Alison’s forearms, until there was no space left between them.

She was thankful for the opportunity to think about something else when Tony spoke through the door. “Hey, you’re gonna be at S’s for dinner tomorrow, right?”

She looked up and slipped her phone into place in her back pocket. “Yeah, Delphine and I…” She could hear the sound of new denim shuffling and Tony hopping around on one foot. “Tony?”

He grunted through his struggle, “What?”

She scratched her jaw and ground the gum between her molars, “Can you…I don’t know… try? With Delphine, I mean? Tomorrow night?”

“Beth—”

“Just hear me out,” she pressed her back to the wall by the door, turning her head towards it, eyes memorizing the pattern in the carpet. “You don’t have to be friends, but I’m going to have enough to deal with, you know… with Alison being there? I don’t have the energy to mediate for you two.”

He was quiet for long enough that Beth was sure he wasn’t going to answer. The door swung open and he rested his arm up on the frame. His ash-brown eyes were soft when she met them. “I got you, baby girl.”

She dropped her head against the wall and let out a relieved breath, “Thanks, Tony.”

“No problem,” he pulled her from the wall and threw his arm over her shoulder, dragging her along, “but you’re buying me two pairs, on account of me being such a good guy and all…”

***

Beth was emotionally exhausted when she finally shut the door to Delphine’s apartment, her body going slack against it. The blonde was sitting at the bar; she spun her stool to face Beth. “Hey,” she crossed her legs at the knee and threw her elbows behind her to catch the counter, “comment était ta journée?”

“Alison’s in town,” Beth shrugged out of her hoody and tossed it over the back of the couch, “she caught an earlier flight.”

Delphine watched her quietly, taking her time before speaking, “You don’t sound convinced.”

Beth glanced up at her briefly before going back to emptying her pockets of her wallet, keys, cell phone, mumbling under her breath, “She came to meet with Sarah.”

“Sarah?” Delphine said, “C’est bizarre. What business do they have?”

“I wish I knew.” Beth grumbled, “Nothing good, I’m sure.”

The blonde’s brow raised and her face twisted in a display of unfortunate agreement, “Surely.” Beth watched her suck her lip between her teeth. “I hope it’s not trouble.”

Beth sighed and dropped down to the couch cushions. “Ouais, toi et moi.”

She’d finally started to relax, head lolled back against the couch, when Delphine’s matter of fact tone crashed into her without warning, “How did you find out?” Delphine pushed her when she let the question hang— “Were you at the bar again?”

“Delphine—“

“Beth,” she was firm. “You know that place is no good for you. I’ve seen you get so close to the edge—“

“I called my dad today.” Beth said.

Delphine stilled, blinking big eyes. “Ouais?”

Beth hummed an affirmation, “Tony’s dad passed, I don’t know, it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“Is Tony…?”

“He’s fine.” Beth sighed, “My dad wants me to go back to Montreal, visit the family.”

Delphine’s feet slid off the rung of her stool and found the floor. She walked over to sit down next to Beth, “What are you going to do?”

Beth shrugged, “I don’t know.” She took a deep breath and rubbed slick palms against her thighs, “I met Tony’s mom today.” She shook her head clear, still rattled from the experience, “Talk about getting some perspective. Elle était affreuse.”

“Was she that bad?”

“Worse.” Beth rested her elbows on her knees and dropped her face into her hands. After a few beats she looked up at Delphine, “My mom has always been a bitch, but at least she loves me, you know?” She swallowed, “Maybe it’s time.”

Delphine grunted and nodded, “Probablement.”

Beth stretched out and groaned.

“You need a nap,” the blonde patted her knee.

“Alison wanted to talk when I took Tony home. I didn’t even go in the house, just let him out at the curb.”

Delphine stood and walked towards the kitchen, “What did she want to talk about?”

Beth stood as well, scooping her phone off the back of the couch and heading for her bedroom. She cursed loud enough for Delphine to hear, “Fuck if I know, but I’m sure it was something I didn’t want to get into.”

***

Beth jerked awake to the sounds of sobbing, gasping, coughing. “Fuck.” She squinted into the hard light of her phone— 10pm. She jumped out of bed and scrambled for clothes. “Delphine?” Beth called out as she hopped into a pair of pajama pants, grabbing a shirt and pulling it on as she swung her door open.

She sprinted down the hallway. The bathroom door was shut, but Beth could hear the spray of the shower and Delphine’s echoed struggle coming from inside. “Hey, Delphine,” she knocked, “I’m coming in, okay?”

There was no answer, just more gut-wrenching noises. She twisted the handle and pushed the door open. Beth wished it wasn’t such a familiar sight— Delphine curled on the floor of the shower, hugging her knees to her chest, steam billowing through the room. “Delphine,” she took slow steps, hands out in front of her, “I thought we were past this. Tu t'en sortais bien.”

When Delphine choked through another sob, she realized that she’d probably said the wrong thing. She shut her mouth. It was always better not to talk when Delphine was splitting wide open. She slid open the shower door and reached for the knob but Delphine’s arm darted up, fast as lighting, to grab her wrist. “Non, s'il te plait!”

Beth stopped her motion immediately. She spent the next few moments trying to come up with a plan. Delphine’s hazel eyes were wide and begging, her face red and splotchy. Beth felt a pang in her chest, “Ça fait combien de temps que t’es la?”

Delphine just shrugged. She dropped her eyes to the floor of the tub, ashamed. “Je ne sais pas.”

Her shirt was already wet, so Beth just clambered in, sliding down into the tub behind Delphine and pulling the door closed with a palm pressed tight against the glass, slipping a bit through the condensation. “C'est bon. Tu vas bien. I’m here.” She let her legs fall on either side of the blonde’s body. They were cramped in the tub, and the water was spraying directly in her face, but she wrapped her arms around Delphine anyway, mumbled into her shoulder, “Shhh…I’m here.”

She twisted as much as she could in the small space, leaning her side into Beth’s chest. “Quelle heure est-il?”

“Ten.”

The doctor’s body shuddered and she coughed, “Je doit être au boulot dans une heure.”

Beth smiled softly, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“J'ai des patients. Je n'ai pas le choix.” She sniffled and pulled her arms in close to her body, tucked her balled fists under her chin. Beth couldn’t tell where the water stopped and the tears began, but she thumbed the hot rivers away anyway.

Beth hummed and tilted her head, “You won’t do anyone any good like this.”

“Tonight could be the night, Beth. Tonight could be the night I save him…” Delphine whispered the words like a deep secret, like a prayer.

Beth’s dark eyes slid closed. She swallowed the sudden tightness baring down on her windpipe. Her voice came out strangled, “He’s gone, Delphine.”

Delphine’s voice was a hardened steel blade, “But the next boy isn’t… not yet.” Beth grunted— the blonde’s palm, rested against her sternum for balance, pressed the air out of her lungs as Delphine came to her feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow me on tumblr you've probably already seen the shopping scene with Beth and Tony, it was one of the previews I posted a while ago.
> 
> The next chapter is a big one-- both in content and length (over 4700 words at last check). Chapter 6 also brings along with it the first story driven one-shot. So, a lot to look forward too (and a lot of reading, yikes, sorry)!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite being the longest chapter of the series to date, this chapter has a one-shot that goes with it. I usually mention one-shots at the end of the chapter (as they’re intended to be read afterward), but the Author’s Note that follows is important and I didn’t want to detract from it. If you haven’t read the One-Shots yet, there are a few up already, they can be found under the title Let Me Go One-Shots. <3
> 
> There are a handful of rapid-fire flashbacks in this one, if you have any confusion regarding when things happened or in what order, just ask and I’ll clear things up.

Beth anxiously drummed her thumbs against the steering wheel, biting into the flesh of her cheek. “Come on, come on.” She glanced at the dashboard clock, it was 4pm, only six minutes since she’d last checked. She groaned and scooped her phone out of the cupholder, swiping around the screen looking for anything to occupy herself.

Delphine’s hand banged down against the hood of the car as she rounded it, pulling Beth’s attention sharply out the windshield. She rolled down the passenger window and hit the unlock button. “Hey! Come on, nous sommes en retard!”

Delphine opened the door and smiled tightly, her face twisted in apology. “Sorry, sorry.”

“I’m glad I dropped you off last night, we’d be running even more late if you had to drive home.” Beth watched Delphine slide into the car and buckle her seatbelt. “Your hair is soaked.” She reached out and tweaked a strand with a smile.

Delphine grinned. She was winded from the jog to the car. “I didn’t have time to dry my hair. I just had the fastest shower of my life.”

Beth snorted, “They have hairdryers in there?”

“We have everything…” Delphine deadpanned, shrugged, “when you work our hours.” She paused for a second, tilting her head in thought as Beth navigated the car through the parking lot. “…Except healthy food.” She opened her purse and pulled out a half eaten bag of Funyuns— “Vending machine,” she explained, “we tell our patients to eat well and then we stuff our faces with confiserie et chips.”

Beth glanced over at her, “Ça va?”

Delphine looked up from her bag, making brief eye contact before continuing to dig through her things. “Yes, I’m fine.” Beth might have believed her if she wasn’t looking too intently through her purse for, what seemed like, nothing in particular. Delphine finally gave up, stilling her movements and looking up at Beth, “Quoi?!”

Beth shrugged and turned her eyes back to the road. “You were in a pretty bad place when I dropped you off. I just—“

“Je vais bien.” The blonde repeated and dropped her head back to her purse, sifting through it again.

Beth scoffed, “What are you even looking for, Delphine?”

“Quelle partie de ‘Je vais bien’ avez-vous du mal à saisir?”

Dark brows shot up Beth’s forehead and she lifted her hands from the steering wheel, “Jesus, sorry for worrying about you.”

Delphine snapped, “I don’t need you to worry about me!”

Beth’s jaw clenched and rage caught like wildfire in her chest— each furious breath just oxygen fueling the flames. “Fucking excuse me?!” She slowed to a stop as they approached a red light and twisted in her seat to face Delphine. “Tu ne veux pas parler, c'est bien, but say so. Don’t act like I’m fucking annoying you by stopping you from killing yourself every other month!”

“Beth—“

“No, ecoute-moi!” She growled and jabbed a finger in Delphine’s direction, “C’est pas facile pour moi! I’m terrified every day I’ll wake up and find you dead in the fucking bathroom.”

“It’s not easy for me either! I didn’t ask you to move in so you could take care of me!” Delphine’s voice dropped to a whisper and she fought against tears welling in her eyes, “I don’t want to need you that way. I don’t want our friendship to turn into that.”

Beth slumped down in her chair, her anger burning out at the sight of Delphine’s tears, “I know.” She sighed, “Je suis désolé de crier.”

“Ça va. I should be more appreciative, I know.” Delphine wiped her cheeks quickly, trying in vain to not smudge her make-up. She gestured to the light, “C’est vert.”

Beth looked up quickly and hit the gas, driving through the intersection. She reached over and gripped the back of Delphine’s neck, squeezing tightly, “Hey, je ne veux pas de remerciements. I just want you to be okay.”

Delphine’s head fell forward into her hands and she lost the battle, gasping through a sob. Beth eased her hold and twisted her fingers in the wet hair at the nape of Delphine’s neck, biting her lip. She turned the car with one hand, pressing the butt of her palm firmly against the wheel. Delphine took another shuddering breath and whimpered, “I want to be okay too.”

Beth leaned across the center console and popped open the glovebox. Her fingers closed around the spare pack of cigarettes she kept there— Delphine’s brand. “Here, smoke.”

***

Helena swung open the front door, little Kira sitting atop her shoulders with her hands covering her aunt’s eyes. “Who is it, Kira? I cannot see.” Helena held her arms out feeling blindly along the doorjamb.

Kira giggled, “It’s Auntie Beth.”

Helena smiled and stepped to the side to let her in, “Hello, Beth.”

“Helena. Kira.” Beth grinned and reached to pinch Kira’s leg. “Sorry we’re late, Delphine just got off work.”

“Where is she?” Kira asked.

Beth glanced over her shoulder at the car, Delphine had the visor down and was fixing her make up in the mirror. “She’s just doing her make up, she took a shower at the hospital and didn’t have time to pretty herself up.”

Kira gave an exaggerated eye roll that matched Helena’s perfectly, “Auntie Delphine is already pretty!”

Beth chuckled and patted Kira’s knee, sliding past them into the house, “I know, I know. But you know what? You should tell her that when she comes in,” she grumbled under her breath— “Lord knows she never listens to me.”

“Oi oi.” Sarah greeted as she passed quickly on her way to the stairs. “Everyone’s in the kitchen.” Beth reached out and let her hand drag across Sarah’s shoulders as the punk rounded the bannister and took the steps two at a time. Sarah called back to Kira, “Monkey, why don’t you tell Aunt Beth what we did today?”

Beth’s face lit up and she spun to face Helena and Kira, “What did you do?!”

“We went to the zoo.” Alison’s voice made Beth jump. She jerked back around to find the small woman only a few feet away, leaning her shoulder against the wall head tilted to the side. Her posture was rigid and perfect, not a muscle out of place.

“Ali. Hey.” Beth swallowed.

Kira squirmed until Helena set her on the ground, “Auntie Alison, I was going to tell her!”

Alison smiled warmly and dropped into a squat. Kira ran into her open arms and turned to face Beth, her little hands resting over Alison’s on her stomach. “Tell her then, what was your favorite part?” Alison whispered in her ear.

Kira smiled broadly, she was missing several teeth— the permanent ones pushing through her pink gums. “The monkeys!”

Alison laughed and hooked her chin over Kira’s shoulder, “That’s right, the monkeys. What was your mom’s favorite part?”

Kira thought for a moment before yelling out to Sarah, “Mummy?! You liked the lions, right?!”

Sarah reemerged at the top of the stairs, “Yeah, I liked the lions. And your dad liked the grizzly bears.”

Kira roared and Alison tickled her sides, letting her go when she ran off towards the kitchen to find Cal.

“Sounds like a fun day,” Beth said.

Alison stood, her arms coming up and crossing in front of her chest. “It was.” After a few beats she added— “Where’s Delphine?”

Sarah hit the bottom of the stairs, her brow furrowed and she glanced around Beth like the tall woman could somehow be hiding behind her. Beth swatted at Sarah’s arm. “She’s in the car. Fixing her make up.”

“Fixing it?” Alison was too quick.

Beth squeezed her eyes shut, “—putting it on.”

Sarah seemed oblivious to the implications of the conversation and just shrugged, “Glad she decided to come.”

“Yeah, me too.” Beth sighed.

Alison’s brow furrowed, her tone lightly questioning despite the heavy topic, “Is she still—?”

Sarah nodded, “She’s a right mess.”

Beth grit her teeth, hissing, “Sarah!”

“Wha?” Sarah looked at her, confused, “She is.” The punk eyed her and walked off towards the kitchen.

There was nothing else to do but meet Alison’s glare, the firm line of her lips. “It’s been months, Beth.”

Beth sighed, rolled her eyes, “She watched him die in front of her, Alison, held him in her arms… it’s going to take some time.”

Alison kept her voice low, but her stern warning came through loud and clear, “She needs—“

Beth cut her off with a stiff hand between them, “No, you don’t get to decide what she needs.”

“This is serious, Beth. _You_ don’t get to decide—“

They both immediately quieted when the doorknob turned and Delphine’s head poked through the opening. Hazel eyes darted back and forth between their tense bodies. “Is everything okay?”

Beth stepped aside so she could open the door wide enough to come in, “Ouias, we were just talking. Nous avons terminé.”

“Beth…” Alison turned as Beth brushed passed, reaching out for her.

Delphine rested a hand on Alison’s shoulder and kept her voice low and soft, “Don’t bother— some things never change.”

Alison sighed and dug fingertips into the giving flesh below her ear.

***

Tony cleared his throat, “Delphine?”

The blonde looked up from her food. There was quiet for a few beats, the only sound the scraping and clinking of silverware against plates. “Yes?”

Beth held her breath. Her dark eyes darted between the two.

Tony took another moment to speak, “Can you pass me the peas?”

Delphine visibly relaxed, her head bobbing in a nod, a curtain of straight blonde hair falling in front of her shy smile. “Of course,” she held the bowl out.

Sarah brought it the rest of the way. Tony took it and nodded, keeping his eyes down. He grunted, “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Delphine watched him spoon the vegetables onto his plate. She licked her lips and dropped her eyes back to her own food.

Beth kept her gaze on Tony for a bit longer before bringing a forkful of mashed potatoes to her mouth. At least he was making an effort— he could have just as easily asked Cal, seated next to Delphine, for the peas. It was convenient to keep her attention on him, Alison and Sarah were whispering and it was all she could hear, hushed tones she couldn’t quite make out. It certainly didn’t escape her notice when Sarah excused herself only a minute after Alison stood up to use the washroom.

What business did they have with each other? Why were they wandering off to be alone, like no one would notice? The muscles of Beth’s neck were tight and making her head pound to the same rhythm as her heart thudding away in her chest. Her whole body was rebelling against her, fighting tooth and nail against any rational thought. She had been intensely aware of the way the women had locked eyes frequently, the sly smiles, the passing touches. Bile rose in her throat with righteous fury, burning her esophagus. She couldn’t sit still any longer.

All eyes turned on her when she stood quickly, pushing herself violently to her feet. She looked up at each of them and blinked. “Sorry,” she cleared her throat and threw a thumb over her shoulder, “I’m not feeling well, is anyone done?” She didn’t give them time to answer, just scooped up her plate and turned on her heel walking quickly to the trashcan and sliding her food into it.

She busied herself with washing her plate, scrubbing it until it was spotless. S’s voice jarred her back to reality several minutes later, “You’ll put a hole straight through it if you don’t ease up, Chicken.” Her hands were gentle when they pried the plate and sponge from Beth’s trembling hands.

Beth let out the breath she was holding and slumped forward against the sink, elbows locking to hold her upright. “Sorry, S.”

“Oh, no, don’t apologize. I go through enough trouble trying to get these louts to clean up after themselves— this is refreshing, really.”

Her abrupt departure from the table seemed to stir everyone from their seats and soon everyone was lined up with their dishes, handing them off to S with a kiss on the cheek and a murmured thanks before they wandered off to the living room to let their dinner settle. As she took the last plate, S eyed Beth, “See what I mean?”

Beth gave a weak smile and looked down at the pile of plates in the sink, “I’m here to help.”

“And I appreciate it, Love.” S patted her on the back and together they started working to clean the mess.

They were nearly done when Alison and Sarah came down the stairs, laughing. Beth’s jaw and gut clenched simultaneously at the sound. They quieted as they entered the kitchen, seemly painfully aware of Beth’s presence. Sarah coughed, sniffed, her tone turning apathetic, Beth could actually hear the shrug in her voice, “Ah, so yeah, thanks for doin’ that for me.”

Alison stilled, Beth felt the eyes on the back of her neck, “Of course, Sarah. It wasn’t any trouble.” She walked slowly forward, the old house creaking under her feet. “Do you guys need any help?” She turned and rested back against the counter where Beth was drying dishes.

“No.” Beth gruffed, setting down a plate and taking the next one handed to her.

S looked at Beth before smiling in Alison’s direction, “Thank you for asking, Alison.”

Sarah stood in front of the short woman, distorted in Beth’s peripheral vision. She swore Sarah’s hips were canted forward, that her lips were twisted in a feral smile, that her eyes were locked on Alison’s, but when she turned her head to look Sarah had her arms crossed against her chest and her gaze directed over her shoulder towards the living room.

Mrs. S spoke up again, dragging Beth back, “There is finally some peace and quiet with you here, Alison.”

Alison smiled and cocked her head. “I’ve never been told I quiet down a room before. I’ll take it as a compliment.”

S turned off the sink and flicked the water from her fingertips, “More of a statement than anything.”

“A jab, she means.” Sarah growled and pointed the older woman with a sharp gaze.

S paid her no attention, continuing on, “It’s just that with you standing right here I don’t have to hear your ringtone going off every five minutes.”

“S!” Sarah shouted.

“You try yelling at me again, Sarah Manning.” S warned.

Beth was rigid, her spine like a steel pole. Alison sighed and her head fell forward; caught, she refused to meet Beth’s eyes, “Alison?” Beth turned to Sarah when her former lover didn’t respond, “You have something to say?”

Sarah’s body stiffened and Beth could see her, licking at her teeth like an animal. “What? Do _you_?”

Mrs. S eyed them with pursed lips and barely disguised concern. Beth could hear the woman sucking against her teeth, like she realized she’d spilled a secret she shouldn’t have. Beth twisted her shoulders to pass between Alison and Sarah without brushing against either of them, willing herself smaller through the tight space. She shoved open the screen door and took the concrete steps down into the back yard two at a time. The flimsy old door slammed shut behind her and she grit her jaw at the memory of S shouting over the familiar sound: _“Mind that door, Beth, or I’ll bloody well make you mind it!”_

She roughed at her face with both palms, rubbing her cheeks and pressing the heels of them into her eyes until she saw red. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself, shaking her head, dropping her arms to her sides. She lashed out at a dirt-covered tennis ball, kicking it violently. It thwacked against a panel in the rotting fence. Sleepy Alexander, in his dog house, lifted his head at the sound and woofed quietly.

The door screeched open behind her. Alison’s presence was unmistakable.

Beth’s voice was hoarse but firm, accusatory the moment the door gently clicked shut, “Are you fucking Sarah?”

Alison was silent for a beat, and then she was almost laughing, “Are you joking?” Her mouth wide open and smiling when Beth finally turned to see her. Beth was silent and shifted her weight uneasily while she waited for a more concrete response. “Beth.” Alison moved quickly down the steps to close the distance between them. And then she _was_ laughing, reaching up with her hands and cupping Beth’s cheeks. “She’s been having me keep tabs on Rachel.”

“What?”

Alison chuckled quietly, pressing her forehead against Beth’s, her eyes sliding closed. She wanted more than anything to move away, but she didn’t want to lose the immediate warmth that spread through her limbs at the touch. “I’m not sleeping with Sarah, I would never— we talk all the time because she’s always texting me about Rachel.”

“Rachel?”

“Yes, Rachel.” Alison pulled back. She ran her eyes down Beth’s face, ran her hands down Beth’s neck, “For years.”

Beth furrowed her brow, “Why didn’t she just say something?”

“I think she’s a bit embarrassed, honestly. She made me swear I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Beth sighed, “For someone who has always considered secrecy the greatest sin—“

“Oh stop.” Alison’s voice was gentle and chiding, “You know things have always been different when it comes to Rachel.”

“How is Rachel Duncan still fucking up my life after all this time?”

Alison bit her lip, “It’s not so bad.” She slid her hands across Beth’s shoulders, brushing the fabric of her shirt and smoothing it under her fingers, “I mean, I know we’re…” she swallowed and gave a slight shake of her head, “things are never easy between us.”

“They should be.” Beth turned her face away.

Alison dragged Beth’s chin back and forced eye contact, “I think we both know that the ideal situation we thought we could pull off was just childish dreaming. Love is hard work.”

“Yeah, sometimes love isn’t enough.” Beth pulled herself free of Alison’s grip, spun around.

“It could be,” Alison kept her distance but smiled softly, “my place is big enough for two.” She shrugged, she could’ve been joking.

Beth felt a flash of anger. She twisted back quickly. “Delphine—“

“Delphine…” Alison cut her off before she could say any more, “of course, Delphine.” It was Alison’s turn to look away. After a long stretch of silence she spoke again, “You know I love her, Beth, but—“

“No.” Beth shook her head, held up hand to stop her from continuing, “You can’t add ‘but’ to the end of a sentence saying you love someone.”

Alison sighed, “Okay…I love her _and_ I’m worried about her.”

Beth scoffed, “Well good, that makes two of us.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“Why don’t you hurry up and get to it, then?” Beth crossed her arms and fixed Alison with a stoney look.

The soccer player took three steps forward to close the distance between them. Beth didn’t move when Alison reached for her— gripped her upper arms. “I’m tired of this…the same fight, every year. We always get so close to something good, and then you shut down.” Beth opened her mouth to retaliate, but Alison shook her head sternly and went on, “So I’m staying for a little while.”

“What?” It was a happy shock— which was a shock in its own right.

Alison gave a small smile, “I’ll stick around for the reunion and,” she shrugged, “for a few weeks after. I’ve got a break for the offseason, I don’t have to report back until the middle of October.”

Beth’s face scrunched, “But your parents—“

“Are doing fine. Thanks for asking. Don’t worry, I’ll tell them it was the first thing off your lips,” Alison brushed at Beth’s mouth with her thumb. Her eyes were soft and full of something that made Beth’s whole chest hurt and her voice dropped to a whisper, “I miss you. I miss us. I want to make this work.”

***

It wasn’t the first visit that had found them with fumbling hands on Beth’s bed— though the last time it had been in Sarah and Helena’s old room at S’s house.

“Delphine’s got a nice place.” Alison said breathlessly, leaning up so Beth could pull the shirt over her head.

Beth snickered and dropped her head to kiss Alison’s chest, “You haven’t even seen it.” She shoved the other woman’s shoulders back onto the mattress.

“Yours too,” Alison muttered, tugging at the hem. She watched happily as more skin was exposed. She got back on topic, “Well, we walked through the living room— the living room was nice.”

“Your eyes were closed,” Beth’s shirt joined Alison’s on the floor, “and it was dark.”

“Just shut up.” Alison laughed and dragged Beth down with a fist tight around her necklace.

_Alison’s lips trailed down her neck, she pressed kisses to her breastbone until she ran into the new coin she’d given Beth the night before. Beth’s sleepy eyes opened and she looked down to find Alison’s attention focused on the polished bronze, “Ali?”_

_“I’m proud of you, Beth.”_

_Beth chuckled, “That’s great, thanks. Can we talk about it some other time, though? Get back to the silent snuggling?”_

_Alison rolled her eyes, “Stop. I’m serious. Five years is a long time, Beth. It’s a milestone.”_

_She sighed, finally relenting, and lifted her own weight, and Alison’s on top of her, to shift up onto her elbows. “It’s just another year, Ali.”_

_“I guess,” Alison sat up, her knees pressed to Beth’s sides. “I just… we should celebrate.”_

_“What, do you feel like going out for drinks or something?” Beth deadpanned. Her mouth split into a smile when Alison smacked her stomach._

_“No, of course not.” Alison sighed and let her palm drag against the muscles under it, “Don’t you want to do something?”_

_Beth dropped back against the pillows, her hands sliding up Alison’s thighs, “No. Not at all. What on earth makes you think I would want to do something?”_

_Alison reached up to pull her hair back into a ponytail, fumbling fingers snapping her elastic against her wrist before they found a solid hold, “Nothing. I mean, I knew you wouldn’t want to make a big deal out of it.” She wrapped the band in place._

_“Then why did you ask?”_

_“A girl can dream.”_

_Beth shifted to one elbow, her other hand coming up to cup the back of Alison’s neck and pull her down for a kiss._

Beth sighed into Alison’s mouth and pressed her body into the smaller woman’s. 

“Beth,” but Alison was moaning more than she was talking as soon as Beth’s teeth found her thrumming pulse. She dug her fingertips into Beth’s lower back and pulled her closer, rocking her hips up. The necklace hung between them, swinging like a pendulum. “Don’t forget to—“

_“Hey, don’t forget to—“_

_“Alison, I’m not going to magically forget to become uncomfortable with what we’re doing.” Her fingers raked down Alison’s shoulder blades. “Don’t worry, I’ll stop you when get there.”_

_Even after seven years, ever-cautious Alison still got caught up in the moment— rasping into Beth’s ear, hips rutting and brow creased until Beth grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands to safer skin with a whispered, “Alison…”_

“Alison…” Beth pulled back enough to snap her arms up, catch desperate palms roughing her breasts. She stitched their fingers together and pinning Alison’s hands over her head.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“God no.” Alison craned her neck to meet Beth’s lips, struggling against the woman’s hold on her.

Beth held firm, shifting her weight down on Alison’s wrists. She nipped at lips as she pulled away, her eyes dropping to where their bodies met— Alison’s jeans desperately seeking friction against her stomach. “I can help you out if you want.”

Alison went immediately still under her. “Sorry,” she shook the fog from her brain and cleared her throat, “let’s stop. We should. We should stop.”

Beth sighed, “Alison. It’s been ten years, you don’t have to be noble. Come on, I’ll get you off, it’s no big deal.” She sat up and shrugged, resting her forearms over Alison’s bent knees.

Alison’s face was an unintelligible mix of emotions. “No, Elizabeth. It is a really big deal.”

“It’s honestly not. I’m not interested in…” she vaguely waved her hand in front of her body, “having anything done to me. But it doesn’t bother me, I can…” another general wave towards Alison’s body, “like…do you…or whatever. Seriously, I don’t care at all.”

Hands moved up to cover Alison’s face, “Yeah, that’s kind of the problem.”

“Problem?” Beth’s brow furrowed, a twinge of anger twisting her lungs.

Alison pulled her hands away and sat up, one arm wrapping around to settle a hand against Beth’s back, the other reaching to soothe her forehead. “What I need after ten years is something you can’t give me.”

Beth scoffed, “I can make you come, Ali. I’m pretty confid—“

“I don’t need an orgasm, Beth. If we’re going to sleep together I need it to be special. I need…depth and love and something beautiful.”

Molars bit sharply into Beth’s cheek, “Something beautiful…” the words rumbled in her chest. She pulled back when Alison moved to cup her face with both hands, pushing them away, “No, stop.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Alison’s grip was firm at her waist, held her tightly until she gave up the struggle. “I don’t want to fight, Beth.”

“It’s not a fight, Alison, I just can’t ‘give you what you need’.” Her voice turned to a poor imitation of Alison’s.

“Beth,” she was stern, “don’t.” When Beth was settled and quiet, she continued, “I’ve had dream after dream after dream of our first time— something slow and tender…”

Beth shrugged, her features tense. “I can do slow and tender.”

Alison frowned, “No, you can go through the motions. I don’t want you to fuck me, Beth, I want you to make love to me.”

Tears prickled Beth’s nose and heat blossomed behind her eyes. She looked away, turned her face, bit down on her cheek until the pain was severe enough that she forgot about the urge to cry. Finally she whispered, “Yeah.”

“There is a big difference between needing and wanting.” Alison’s fingers slid over Beth’s trembling jaw. “I _need_ you. I only _want_ to make love. Do you understand?”

Beth’s throat was too tight to push words through so she nodded shortly and untangled her limbs from Alison’s, standing from the bed and twisting her arm free when Alison grabbed it.

_“Alison?” Beth slowed her movements, barely brushing against pale skin with the tips of her fingers._

_“Hmmm?” The college junior was stretched prone under Beth, her head turned to the side and resting on her crossed arms. She peeked open an eye to look over her shoulder._

_Beth dropped low to graze Alison’s shoulder blade with her lips, her eyes closing tightly with a sudden swell of emotion. She only felt this hard when they were skin-to-skin. “Have you… met… anyone?”_

_Alison jerked onto her elbows, knocking into Beth’s head. She tried to turn under her, but Beth’s weight across her hips stopped her. “What?”_

_“At school, have you met anyone? Like someone special?” Beth swallowed hard and avoided meeting Alison’s worried gaze._

_Alison took a few moments to respond, her body gradually relaxing, eyes drifting in thought. “Do you really want to know?” She finally asked, trying again to make eye contact._

_Their orbs locked and Beth nodded stiffly, “Yeah. Tell me.”_

_Alison sighed and put the effort in, reaching behind her to nudge Beth up enough to flip onto her back before again settling her into place. “Yes, I have.”_

_Beth’s jaw flexed and her eyelids fluttered and she felt a queasiness building in her stomach. She swallowed down the rising bile and nodded, “Cool, cool. I mean, good. You know…good for you.”_

_“Beth.” Alison sat up and urged Beth’s legs around her, wrapped arms around her waist. “I’m sorry.”_

_“No, don’t apologize.” Beth sighed and buried her face in Alison’s hair, “It was bound to happen eventually.” They took breaths together, Alison matching Beth’s unsteady cadence until Beth spoke again, “What’s her name?”_

_“Taylor. She’s a grad student in the psych department.”_

_She hadn’t stopped nodding since Alison had started talking, she didn’t know what else to do with her head, her body. Limbs unusually still and gaze down, she whispered. “Have you slept together?” Dark eyes darted up for contact._

_Alison blinked, cleared her throat, nodded, “Yeah, yeah, we have.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asexuality is a spectrum, and some ace people can have beautiful and meaningful sexual relationships with their partners. Sometimes it’s out of a desire for intimacy or to satisfy the needs of an allosexual lover, sometimes it’s for other reasons entirely. The fact that Beth can’t muster up the emotion that Alison is looking for isn’t intended to be a reflection on the community, it’s a reflection on who _Beth_ is. While she can very easily understand love and affection, she can't manage to connect those feelings to sex. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t asexual people who can— Beth simply isn’t one of them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very very very sorry to anyone who speaks French.

Alison’s fingers pulled Beth slowly from sleep. They slid between her tresses, firm and loving against her scalp— still as cold as ever. Beth groaned, eyelids fluttering open. “I’m sorry to wake you,” Alison’s voice was smooth. “Sleeping hasn’t gotten any easier for you, has it? You’ve been tossing and turning.”

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and sat up. The couch was harder than her bed and her back protested. She grunted and flexed her shoulders, trying to work out the kinks. “Delphine?”

“She’s asleep. You were restless when she came home so she woke me up— angry I’d done something to upset you.” Alison smiled and jerked her head back towards a pile of blankets on the floor. “I crashed out here to keep an eye on you.”

Beth scoffed, “It doesn’t bother me. I’m asleep when it’s happening.”

Alison chuckled, “Yes, I guess that’s a good point.” She sat down behind Beth, one leg tucked under her, “Does your back hurt?”

“The couch is a little—“

“Shh— Applied Kinesiology major, remember?”

The growl— and it was a growl— that tore from her chest when Alison’s knuckles dug under her shoulder blade, surprised only Beth. She blinked and glanced over her shoulder, catching just a flash of Alison’s knowing smile before the other woman tutted her tongue and muttered for her to face forward. She moaned and let her chin fall to her chest as Alison’s nimble fingers found every pinched nerve, every twinged muscle. “I can’t believe you paid attention to that shit.”

Alison gave a mock-offended gasp and pressed the heel of her palm into her lower back. Beth arched. Alison whispered, lips closer to her ear than she’d realized, “…a useful set of skills for a soccer player to have.”

“Mhm,” Beth grit her teeth against the pain.

“Besides,” Alison shifted to lighter touches, running her thumbs along Beth’s spine, “if I wasn’t going to make it professionally I knew I wanted to be a trainer.”

“If you couldn’t wear a Thorns jersey you were going to make your way onto their medical staff?” Beth hummed, her body more relaxed than it’d been in months. She melted back into Alison’s waiting arms.

Her laugh danced by Beth’s ear, an exhale skittering over her exposed clavicle. “Exactly.” Alison ran fingers slowly across Beth’s forearms, raising hairs in her wake.

“I probably shouldn’t have gone off on you like that,” Beth whispered. There was an apology hidden somewhere in the sentence.

Alison had known her long enough to parse it out, she kept her voice low enough that just the consonants found sound, “It’s okay, I know it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.”

“It really wasn’t.” Beth reached behind her head to pull Alison closer by the jaw, twisting her neck to meet their lips gently over her shoulder.

Alison pulled back enough to speak, “It couldn’t have been easy…”

“It wasn’t.” Beth pressed again with a firmness that was meant to silence the other woman. She didn’t want words. Words led to conversations that she didn’t want to have, conversations about sex and the future and their relationship. All the wanted was this— Alison’s fingers slipping between her knuckles, palm soft against the back of her hand, lips steady and sure as they kissed, even past the awkward crane of Beth’s neck.

When Alison’s free hand dipped under the hem of her shirt she twisted in the shorter woman’s arms. She pressed Alison down against the arm of the couch and bowed her back enough to let the other woman maneuver her other hand until she had them both cool and flat against the warmth of Beth’s stomach.

Alison tilted her chin up and whispered against Beth’s lips, “I love you.” She looked down her nose, eyes training on the slow smile spreading over Beth’s features— a matching grin slid into place on her own face. “What? I do.”

“I know you do.” Beth nuzzled against her, “I love you, too.”

“Mhm,” Alison dragged her hands up Beth’s sides and around to her back, playing a gentle rhythm down her spine, fingers tapping a tune against every other vertebra all the way to the waistband of her jeans. “You shouldn’t have slept in these,” she moved into them, pressing the heels of her palms to either side of Beth’s sacrum, pulling a groan from the aching woman and making hips drop heavily onto her own.

Beth could feel the knotted muscles popping under the pressure. “What did I ever do without you?”

Alison chuckled, “Well, for one, you didn’t storm off and sleep on the couch— that’s half your problem.”

Beth smiled and dropped a kiss against Alison’s lips, “Oh yeah? What’s the other half?”

“You’re too tense,” she purred, arching her body up for greater contact.

Delphine emerged from the hallway, hair a mess and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, drawing their attention— Beth looked back over her shoulder and the smaller woman lifted her torso, tilting to the side to see past her. Delphine blinked, squinted, looked at them with a tired grimace, “You’re kidding me. Il est trop tôt pour ces conneries.”

Beth laughed and dropped her head, knocking her forehead into Alison’s shoulder and roughing her mouth against it. “Did we wake you?”

“Peut-être, t’es une salope.” Beth knew Delphine well enough to read the sarcasm through her sleepy grumble. The blonde shuffled to the kitchen and opened the fridge, staring aimlessly inside, “Would you feel bad if you had?”

“Probablement pas,” Beth called over the back of the couch.

Alison shifted, listening intently to words she didn’t understand, only making out bits and pieces.

“See?” Delphine shut the refrigerator door and leaned her elbows against the bar, rubbing at her face with her hands as if trying to wake up her skin, “une salope.”

Beth chuckled, “Rude!”

The woman under her tugged at her shirt collar to get her attention, “Are you jerks talking about me?” Alison frequently expressed her annoyance at their code switching.

“Yes.” Delphine said blatantly, turning on the sink and filling the coffee pot with sleep-slowed hands.

“—Noooo,” Beth growled, drawing it out as she glared at Delphine and turned her head, softening the word when she settled on Alison’s face. She leaned to the side and shouted over the couch again, taking a playful jab at her friend, “Elle est vache quand elle se réveillera!”

“Oh, ouias, you’re one to talk.” Delphine flipped the switch on the coffee maker.

Alison’s face twisted and she let out a whine, “Guyyyys, stop.” She threw her hands in the air above her head, nearly knocking Beth’s face with one of her flinging arms, “Arrêt!

Beth smirked, still hoisted up on her arms to look at Delphine. She glanced back down at the frustrated woman with loving eyes and corrected her gently, “Arrêter.”

Alison rolled her eyes and smacked at Beth’s chest, “Arrêter?! That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself?!”

Delphine snorted and impatiently pulled the pot from the coffee maker before it was finished percolating— a few drips sizzled against the heating plate while she poured herself a mug. “You are getting your nouns and verbs mixed up, Alison.”

Beth watched Alison’s expression for a few beats, smiling warmly, “You’re so cute when you scrunch your face up like that.” She shifted her weight onto one arm and lifted her hand to brush her thumb against the crease between Alison’s furrowed brows. The fissure melted away under the pad of her finger and Alison’s features relaxed. Beth dipped her head and hovered just above her waiting mouth until the shorter woman flexed her neck to close the distance on her own.

The thrum of a phone vibrating on the coffee table threatened to force them apart just as Alison’s tongue tapped against Beth’s bottom lip. She groaned and tried to turn towards the sound but Alison’s hand caught her cheek and the body under her curled as Alison lifted her torso off the couch, following Beth’s motion, knees coming up on either side of her hips to hold her in place.

Beth gave in, slipping her forearms under Alison’s shoulders and settling her weight down. Alison slid her hand from Beth’s cheek, moving under the collar of her shirt and gripping her back with strong fingers, squeezing against the tissue and muscle. Beth let out a quiet moan, her tongue darting forward to meet Alison’s briefly. The phone sounded again, but Beth was already too absorbed in the bite of Alison’s short nails against her shoulder blade.

She heard Delphine’s baggy sleepwear brush against the fabric as the blonde moved around the couch. She was vaguely aware of the tall woman’s presence at their side, registering the sound of Delphine scooping up her phone. “C'est ton père,” she muttered. She took a sip of her coffee before leaning back down, letting the phone clatter a short distance back to the table and picking up the remote instead. “Will you take this to your room, please? Not all of us want to see your debauchery.” She nudged them with her knee as she turned on the tv. “I have shows to watch.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Beth groaned as she shifted to her feet. Alison grabbed the phone— vibrating again— and followed after her, mouthing an apology to Delphine as she passed.

Beth could hear the door latch shut behind her, her phone flying past her to bounce against the mattress. She picked it up and looked down at the screen. Against her better judgement she’d texted her father before falling asleep inquiring about the baptism. She sighed.

“What is it?”

She looked up— Alison was pulling her shirt over her head. She grunted, tossing her phone back onto the bed, “My dad.”

Alison’s brows rose and she let the shirt remain tangled around her arms in front of her body. “Is everything okay? What is he texting you for?”

Beth shook her head and moved to stand in front of the shorter woman, “It’s all good. My cousin had a baby,” she tugged the fabric from Alison’s arms. Her eyes were low as she took in long expanses of flawless skin marred only by the blurry lines of a familiar tattoo, “I’ve been invited to the baptism.” Her thumb traced over the mark, taking up the front of her shoulder from cuff to collarbone, and she dropped her head to brush lips against it.

Alison smiled and cupped the back of Beth’s neck, craning her own to watch her honor the ink with reverence. She sucked in a breath and took a moment to find her words before asking “Are you going?”

Beth hummed, pulling back only long enough to reply “I haven’t decided yet” before starting a path up Alison’s neck.

“Beth, Beth, wait, hold on—“ Alison was fumbling her words, gently pushing at Beth’s shoulders.

“What?” Exasperated, Beth flopped down to the edge of the mattress.

“Do you want to talk about this?”

Beth snorted, “No, I want to kiss you.”

Alison smiled and rolled her eyes, crossing the room to occupy the space between Beth’s knees, “Of course, my mistake.” She rested her hands on the shoulders in front of her, returning one to the nape of Beth’s neck when lips found the midline of her stomach. She let out a happy sigh, “Whatever was I thinking?”

Beth chuckled into her skin, “I have no idea.” Her hands slid from Alison’s lower back down to her thighs, urging them up and over her own until the smaller woman was straddling her hips. Her voice was muffled and the hot moisture of her breath against Alison’s sternum was almost stifling, trapped between them, “Would you go with me?”

Alison jerked back, tugging Beth by her hair until they were making eye contact. “To Montreal?”

Beth shrugged and ran her fingers so lightly against the small of Alison’s back that the woman shuddered.

“I—“ it took Alison a moment to find her bearings, “yes, of course.” She dropped her head to bury her nose in Beth’s part, “Of course.”

***

Delphine usually let herself into Beth’s bedroom after a quick knock, but with Alison’s shirtless body sprawled out across her back she was thankful that the blonde had the sense to wait after thudding her fist against the door.

“Ali,” she shifted her shoulder blades, “hey, Alison, come on.”

The shorter woman whined as she came to, wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth and squinting down at Beth’s back rubbing the heel of her palm against the cold puddle. “Sorry.”

“Delphine is in the hall.”

Alison twisted off of her and drew the covers up over them, calling out, “Come in.”

The blonde’s head popped into view, “Are you guys hungry? I made pasta.”

Beth rolled onto her back and lifted herself up on her elbows, “Why is it so dark in here?”

Delphine laughed, “Il fait nuit. You’ve been sleeping all day.”

She scrambled up reaching over Alison’s body to find her clothes on the floor, “Shit, I’m sorry, Delphine. We were supposed to get ready for tomorrow and—“

“T'inquiète pas pour ça. I needed the time to myself anyway,” she eyed them, “and it looks like you two did as well…”

Alison grabbed Beth’s pillow and smacked it over her own face to hide her smile.

Beth didn’t find it as amusing, hopping out of bed and dressing quickly, “No, tomorrow is way more important— you should’ve woken us up.”

“Beth,” Delphine opened the door wider and walked to stand in front of her, settling hands on the fidgety woman’s shoulders, “Sarah went with me to the storage unit and we found Tony’s things.”

She calmed a bit, huffing, “Did you talk to him about it?”

The blonde pursed her lips, “Non, je n'ai pas.”

“Someone should,” Beth growled.

Alison sat up, catching the bra Beth threw her way, “He’ll be honored, I’m sure.” She put it on under the blanket, “I mean…I guess it’s tradition now…” The comforter fell away and she rested her hand where arm met torso— on the ten year old tattoo.

Hazel eyes tracked her motion, Delphine’s own hand coming up to slip into the loose collar of her shirt to cover her heart, her slim fingers tracing the raised edges of her own ink. “Ouias…but this is not as simple,” she cleared her throat, “I don’t know if Tony will be interested in allowing me to participate this time.”

Beth’s head snapped around, “He doesn’t have a choice.” She dropped down to pick up Alison’s shirt and tossed it onto the bed.

Delphine’s eyes slid closed, “Of course he has a choice, Beth.”

“Pas si je peux l'empêcher.” Beth grumbled, pushing past Delphine into the hallway. She spoke loudly, her frustration bouncing off the walls, “You’re family.”

***

The night air was cool and so high up— on the roof of their building— the wind was just strong enough to blow the anger from Beth’s over-heated skin. “You should have brought a hoody.” Delphine said around a mouthful of spaghetti.

“I’m fine,” Beth looked around Alison’s body into the plastic tub between their knees. “God, this stuff brings back memories.”

“Mmm,” Alison hummed in agreement. She picked up a photograph, creased heavily down the middle. The shot was taken in the twins’ bedroom at Mrs. S’s house; Tony, head bent low and fingers tight around a tattoo gun, was squinting down at his work with a deep crease between his eyebrows.

Beth looked at the picture, “Must have been one of the twins,” she pointed to the placement of the tattoo.

Alison flipped it around so Delphine could see it, “It is her right arm—” the blonde reached out and poked against the bend in the elbow. “—Helena.”

Beth shuffled through the box, “Here’s Felix’s.” She smiled and held it up between her index and ring finger, flashing it at Delphine.

_“You’re up, Feefee. Where do you want it, boy?” Tony smacked his gloved hand against Felix’s ass._

_The twins had already gotten theirs and had their forearms pressed together, right to left, inspecting the art. Beth was inches away from Alison’s fresh wound, blowing gently on hot skin. Delphine, curled at the head of Sarah’s bed, nudged Beth with her foot, “She needs to keep that covered. We’re all begging for infections— don’t make it any worse.”_

_Felix shimmied out of his shirt, “On my back seems as good a place as any.”_

_“Like Beth’s?” Tony asked, cleaning his only set of needles the best he could._

_Beth wasn’t blind, she knew Delphine was right— on some level they all did— but there was something keeping them all there anyway. They’d lined up in turn to get Cosima’s dandelion tattooed by Tony’s unpracticed hand, with nothing more than rubbing alcohol to sterilize the instruments and their skin. They’d be lucky if one of them didn’t die from blood poisoning._

_“No, darling,” Felix wiggled his rump, “tramp stamp me.”_

_Sarah barked out a laugh. She reached out to shove her brother, having to lean far enough off the edge of Helena’s bed to take most of the force from of her push. “Yeah, a tramp stamp, ‘cause you need to look more like a hooker.”_

_Felix feigned offense but it was Tony who took up arms in the boy’s defense, “Hey now, I know a lot of hookers, ain’t no shame in that work.” He adjusted the rubber band holding the needles flush against the gun snapping it down, and pointing the sharp end of the contraption in Sarah’s direction, “You gotta do what you gotta do, this world is meant to bring down folks that never found their feet in the first place.” He set the gun down on his thigh and tugged Felix’s hip-huggers a bit lower, squirting the icy alcohol against his skin._

_The younger boy sat backwards in one of the chairs they’d carried up from around the kitchen table and leaned forward against the backrest, wrapping his arms around it and resting his chin on the top. Tony tilted his head side to side while he figured out the best angle to approach the situation from before sliding to the floor and tucking his feet under his knees. He pulled the foot pedal closer and nestled it under his armpit, squeezing his arm down against his side to power the machine._

_Beth chuckled, “Good idea.”_

_Tony flashed her a grin and shrugged, “Call me McGAYver.” He dropped a kiss on the small of Felix’s back._

“Delphine?” Alison’s voice, muffled around a mouthful of pasta, jerked Beth from her memories.

The blonde looked up from her phone, “Hm?”

“Beth and I are leaving for Montreal the day after tomorrow…”

Her face scrunched and she swatted the outside of Alison’s thigh, “We are?”

Delphine nodded and scrolled through whatever it was she was looking at, “I’m glad you decided to go, Beth.”

“I—“

Alison interrupted her, “I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay…” she let the sentence hang. She didn’t need to finish it. They were acutely aware that visiting Cosima’s grave was hard on all of them, but a thick fear pervaded— that the added trip to Felix’s resting place could push an already teetering Delphine over the edge.

Beth closed her eyes and turned her head away from Delphine, resting her ear between Alison’s shoulder blades. She could feel the blonde’s eyes on her.

And when Delphine spoke it was with the same soft tone she reserved only for Beth, “Ça ira, you should go. Passez du temps avec ta famille…”

Alison twisted her neck to look over her shoulder. Beth couldn’t face Delphine, she could sense the sincerity in the blonde’s voice, but the thought of abandoning her best friend when she was most needed felt like the worst thing she could do. She’d been ready to call off the trip, but there was no backing out once Alison mentioned that they were going— she knew Delphine would insist. She bit her lip and mumbled into the wind, “Tu es ma famille.”


	8. Chapter 8

The morning came late. They’d stayed up reminiscing until tendrils of hard light painted the rooftop and drew up tears with stinging brushstrokes that were sure to spill, unbidden, in the day to come. Even Alison, ever the morning person, caught Beth’s screaming phone to hit the snooze button more than once before finally molding herself to the warm body at her side.

She laid tender kisses to Beth’s shoulder, scraped her teeth against bare skin, ran fingers against the flat of Beth’s stomach— not quite as muscular as it had been in their youth— until the woman rolled flat on her back. Dark eyes flit open, blinking slowly into consciousness. “Today sucks already.” Beth’s voice cracked, lacking the force necessary to squeeze through her throat.

Alison just nestled closer, finding her home tucked under a strong arm. She spoke around open-mouthed kisses pressed into Beth’s chest, tongue hot against the thick layer of sleep that coated her skin, “You only got an hour of sleep.”

It didn’t go unnoticed that Alison’s statement was just that— a statement, not a question. “Did I keep you up?”

“No.” Alison mumbled into her shoulder.

Beth pressed her lips tight together and nodded, “You’re not the best liar.”

The short woman frowned, “Beth…”

She recognized the firmer touch, the way Alison’s fingers dug gently into her flesh, the way she splayed them to take up more space on Beth’s skin. She wanted to fight the comfort it brought— Alison’s intentional soothing only ever preceded discussions she didn’t want to have. But still, when Alison rocked up onto an elbow to pull the tension from her body with a soulful kiss, Beth relented. “Yeah?” The word came out as only air when they parted.

Alison cupped her jaw, “How are you doing?”

Beth shrugged, she couldn’t look at her worried eyes, “It’s August.”

“How often do you go to the bar, Beth?”

She shifted, Alison’s weight— normally so comforting— suddenly left her feeling trapped. She squirmed out from under her, thankful that the woman didn’t try to keep her pinned. “I’m fine, really,” she said, her toes brushing the carpet, fists clenching the edge of the mattress.

“If you were really fine, I think you would find sleep easier to come by.” Alison’s voice behind her was sad and it made Beth ache.

“I’m still sober, Ali— no relapses.”

Her body made soft contact with Beth’s back. Hair tickled her skin and the brush of Alison’s warm breath was enough to make her eyes screw shut. “And I’m very proud of you, but after ten years…” Alison sighed, Beth couldn’t force her lids any tighter, “it should be easier.”

“How would you know?” Lashing out was an old habit, but her words had lost their punch. She used to stand up with righteous anger, she used to yell and curse and walk off with balled fists and a tingling at the base of her skull. But she was so tired. She’d known for years that it was true— it should get easier. Her body gave under the weight of it, head dropping forward and shoulders going slack. “Ten years is harder than ten days ever was.”

She could feel the clench of Alison’s lungs as the woman took in a breath and held it, “Have you been going to meetings?”

Beth turned her head, finding a sudden humor, she pinned Alison with an amused look.

A hint of a laugh blew through Alison’s nose and she rolled her eyes, “Of course you haven’t.”

“Self-flagellation really isn’t my style.”

Alison bit her lip sharply and shoved at Beth’s back, “You self-flagellate more than anyone I know, Beth. I mean, Jesus, you go to a bar and stare at shots of whisky for—“

“I don’t go there to stare.” Beth whispered, but the sound was enough to halt Alison’s words. “I go there to drink.”

Alison was silent, and Beth couldn’t help but notice the distinct absence of the other woman’s hands on her body. She finally spoke, small, with a shaking voice, “You go there to—“

“To drink, Alison. I go there to drink.” The mild bubble of anger in the pit of her stomach was a welcome relief. “I don’t go there to prove to myself that I can go without. I go there to give in— every single damn time. I’m not strong, I’m a chicken shit. I’m not sober because I’m tough enough to fight against the urge, I’m sober because I’m too afraid to take that shot.”

“Oh, Beth…”

She stood, faster than she’d meant to, wobbling with the head-rush. “I should go wake Delphine. We have a long day.”

She tried to throw the door shut behind her but the movement lacked any strength. She left Alison staring off after her retreating back.

“Lève-toi!” She called out down the hall, trying to keep her voice light and cheery. Her toes pressed into the plush carpet with each step.

But Delphine was already awake, sitting on the edge of her bed, surrounded by mismatched outfits. Her head was hung low, her locked elbows the only thing holding her steady. Beth dropped to her knees in front of the blonde, her palms coming to rest against the outsides of Delphine’s legs. “Bonne matinée,” she looked up into her friend’s tear-streaked face and gave the most wolfish grin she could muster, “tu commences tôt.” She pinched Delphine’s thigh and earned a laugh for her efforts.

Delphine swiped the tears from her face, chuckles and hiccups mating in her throat. “Je suis triste, tu es tellement con des fois.”

“Yeah, anything for a smile.”

“I’m right here, you know.” Beth and Delphine looked up to find Alison leaning her shoulder into the doorframe, arms crossed over her chest.

Delphine snickered and waved her hand in Alison’s direction. “Behave yourself,” she told Beth, “don’t be so mean to me in front of your girlfriend.”

Beth’s jaw dropped, “Ce n’est pas ma—“

Delphine’s palm closed over her mouth, her pinky tickling Beth's nose, “Shh. We have to get ready.”

It took nearly an hour of back and forth to the bedroom for Delphine to get settled into black slacks and a loose t-shirt. “I should wear a nicer top…” she set down her toast and made for the hall, but Beth grabbed her elbow as she passed and hauled her back into the kitchen.

“Stop, Delphine, tu es très bien.” She leaned forward to drag the blonde around the bar towards Alison before releasing her and sitting back in her stool to poke at her cereal. “Cosima ne sera pas attention à ce que tu portez.”

She’d meant it as a light-hearted jab, but she knew in the moment it left her lips that it would hit too close to home. Delphine rounded the bar again on her way to her room. Beth looked up to catch Alison’s glare. “You better not have just said what I think you did.”

Beth sighed and jammed her spoon into her cereal, “I did,” she pushed away from the bar and found her feet, “fucking of course I did.” She followed after Delphine. “I’m sorry!" She thudded her head against Delphine's closed door, "Delphine! Je suis désolé. You know I have foot-in-mouth disease."

Alison was already at her back, hissing in her ear, "What the hell were you thinking?"

Beth flung her arm out behind her to push the woman away, grumbling over her shoulder, "I wasn't, obviously." She turned back to the barrier, "Delphine..."

"Go, now. I'll deal with this." Alison gripped her shoulders and tugged her away from the door. "You've done enough already."

Beth sighed and glanced behind her at Alison’s gentle coaxing as she walked away. She fished her phone from her back pocket and made a call.

“Sarah. Are you guys on your way yet?”

“No, we’ll just meet you there, I’m still trying to get Kira in clothes,“ Sarah’s voice tore away from the mouthpiece— “Oi! Monkey, get over here!”— before she was back “we might be a little late.”

Beth bit the side of her thumb, worrying the skin around her nail, “Yeah. Just, try to hurry, okay? We had a hiccup, but we should be on time.

Sarah’s tone turned sincere, “Beth, you know this is important to all of us. We’ll be there as fast as we can.”

***

Beth and Alison walked hand in hand over the soft earth, Delphine two paces behind. The crested the hill leading to Cosima’s final resting place to find Sarah, Cal, and Tony already present.

Alison released Beth to cup both hands around her mouth, shouting out to them, “We thought you guys were going to be late!”

“Go on,” Beth whispered, tapping the backs of her fingers against Alison’s rear. And when the smaller woman trotted off she spun to face Delphine, ambling backwards. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine.” She was very clearly not fine, but she was also noticeably _more_ fine than Beth had anticipated so she only nodded in response. She stretched out her arm and gripped Delphine’s wrist, tugging her forward a few steps. They walked together the rest of the way, Delphine with an arm looped through Beth’s. The blonde sniffed back tears that had yet to fall and glanced around as they drew closer. “Where is Kira?” She asked.

A smirk spread over Sarah’s face, mirrored on Tony’s, “S surprised us when we was walking out the door.” She flung an arm out and smacked her friend in the gut, “Show ‘em, Tone.”

Tony grabbed the front of his jacket with one hand while he dug in the pocket with the other. When he pulled it out, his fingers were tight around a sack of weed. “The Good Fairy Fostermother brought happy tidings.”

Cal piped up, “She offered to watch Kira, told us to spend some time relaxing.”

Beth and Delphine shared a smile, brows raised. “She’s such a nice woman,” Beth chuckled. She grabbed the bag out of Tony’s grasp and flipped it over in her hand, it was covered in crystals and tiny curled hairs. “Man, where did she get this? This stuff looks crazy!”

“Yeah, well, they don’t make it like they used to.” Tony laughed and snatched it back. “We should probably be careful.”

Helena was giggling to herself from behind a headstone, wheezing, gasping sounds pulling through lips tight between teeth.

Beth’s eyes rolled in the direction of the sound, “Helena?”

Her mess of kinks popped over the top of the stone, pale fingers gripping the edge of it. “Hello, Beth.”

Alison had crept close to Tony, was leaned over, peeking into his hand, “Are we really going to smoke this stuff?”

“Alison,” Sarah groaned and the sound took Beth back to times behind the gym when the young, stiff girl’s name tore from the back of Sarah’s throat with the same impatience.

Alison’s tense hands came up in defense, “I’m not saying no, just…”

Sarah was already in the pocket of her pants, pulling out a slim pack of papers, “We owe it to Cos, yeah?” She pinned Beth with a fierce grin.

Beth’s brow quirked and she returned the smile, “Yeah, yeah, I think we do.” She turned to Delphine, “What do you say?”

Delphine’s mouth was pursed and for a moment Beth wasn’t sure how she’d react, but her lips curled in a tiny smile and she shrugged, “It’s what she would have wanted.”

Tony flashed his teeth and tugged open the ziplock.

***

“Do you guys remember that nurse? The stoner that worked the night shift?” Sarah asked around a clenched lungful of smoke, letting it out through the corner of her lips as she passed the joint to Cal.

Delphine smiled, eyes glassy and body swaying, “Oui, she was quite the flirt.”

Alison giggled and knocked her shoulder into Delphine’s arm, “Are you talking about the nurse or Cosima?”

The group devolved into laughter and Tony spoke through happy tears, gasping for breath, “Both!”

Delphine nodded broadly, taking the joint. “Cosima had that poor woman wrapped around her little finger!” She stuck her pinky in the air for emphasis. “Elle n'a pas une chance de réussir.”

Everyone’s eyes collectively turned on Beth. “She didn’t stand a chance,” she translated, nudging Alison and pointing to Delphine’s outstretched hand.

“That’s very true.” Tony nodded across the circle at Delphine, “Your lady was something else.”

Delphine’s easy demeanor dropped with her gaze, suddenly picking at the grass between her knees, “Yes…so was Felix…”

Everyone quieted. Beth reached behind Alison to grip Delphine’s shoulder, squeezing. Tony’s eyes darkened and he palmed his lips with a shaking hand, “Yeah, he was…for sure.” His voice was hard. He turned his head to look into the distance.

“Let’s keep remembering it that way,” Sarah gruffed, shoving Tony gently. “We’re all family today.”

Beth kept Tony in her sights, watching the shift of his shoulders, the roll of his jaw before he gave a defeated nod. “Yeah, ‘course.”

She felt Alison’s eyes on the side of her head but she didn’t tear away from Tony’s half-hearted agreement. The tension was too thick to breathe through until Sarah finally spoke, snorting a laugh, “That nurse wanted Cos’ snatch.”

Beth and Alison groaned in unison but her words pulled a smile from Tony and Delphine. “Yes, she did.” Delphine nodded, biting her smile.

“She had to be nearly thirty,” Sarah mumbled to herself, taking the joint from Tony and drawing in a mouthful of smoke— she was louder on the exhale, “You know, it was hot to think about then, but it’s kind of gross now.”

Everyone laughed. And they continued that way for the next hour, until they were all in tears— some happy, some sad. When the conversation waned Alison whispered, “We should go see Felix.” Delphine and Tony both dropped their heads, both swallowed air in gulps. Sarah snubbed her nose and nodded.

“Hey, Tone, come on for a second.” Beth grabbed him by the elbow as they all stood, brushing off the seats of their pants.

Tony glanced worried at Delphine before turning to Beth, “Hey man, I wasn’t trying to start anything earlier.”

Beth shook her head, “No, no. I just…” she took a deep breath and nodded Alison off when the shorter woman looked to her for direction, “we brought some stuff. It’s in the car.”

“Oh,” Tony nodded, “yeah sure, I’ll help carry.”

“I just wanted to run something by you.”

They watched the group wander through the well-kept cemetery, heading for a path that led toward Felix’s grave. Helena had stayed behind, squinting down at Cosima’s headstone.

“Helena?” Beth asked. “You good?”

The blonde lifted her head, whipping around to look at Beth like she hadn’t realized they were still standing there. She wore the exact expression that she had the day they first spoke, the day that started their friendship. Her lips twisted against her teeth and her eyes rolled in her head, moving from Beth back to Cosima’s grave. “Yes,” she gave a small nod her mouth stretching the word as if she wasn’t quite sure if it was a truth, “I was just…” she shrugged and gestured at the marker.

Beth smiled softly. Tony cleared his throat and ducked his head, “Yeah.”

“August is always hard.” Beth said. They stood in silence for a minute, six eyes trained on Cosima’s headstone, three sets of lips soundlessly uttering the epitaph in prayer: ‘The Geek Monkey. Never Apologize For Your Heart.’

Beth tensed her jaw against tears and rested a hand on Helena’s back. “Walk with us.”

Helena scrubbed the back of her hand against puffy eyes and turned, pressing gently to Beth’s side. She threw an arm over the blonde’s shoulder and led her back towards the car, Tony shuffling along with them.

Beth found her keys in her pocket and popped the trunk as they approached, “It’s just some old trinkets. We thought maybe Felix deserved the same treatment Cos got.”

Tony cocked his head, confused, and stared down at the bin. “Huh?”

Beth smiled and popped one side of the lid open, lifting it so they could see inside. “You tattoo anyone while you were behind bars, Tony?”

He laughed and dug his hand in to the elbow, fishing around in the mess of memories, “Wow.” He pulled out a crumpled paper threw his foot up on the bumper, easing the wrinkles against his knee with both hands— it was a drawing of the dandelion they all wore etched into their skin.

Helena’s hand went to cup the spot on her arm. “Tattoos for Felix?”

Beth grinned and nodded, “What do you think?”

“It is a good idea,” Helena said firmly, her ruddy eyes moving to Tony, “yes?”

Tony’s lips were quirking in a sad smile, his gaze falling on the image of Felix laying on top of the pile; the boy was smiling over his shoulder, his back arched dramatically to show off the fresh ink centered over his spine. “Yeah. For sure.”

“Let’s go see your boy.” She smacked Tony on the shoulder and nodded in the direction of Felix’s grave.

The walk took nearly five minutes and Beth was sharing a laugh with Tony when Helena’s quiet “Beth” drew her attention. She caught sight of Delphine, on her knees with forehead pressed to the grass, mouth open in twisted agony.

She ran the rest of the distance, covering ground with speed she hadn’t tapped into since she had a soccer ball at her feet. She dodged around headstones as if they were opponents on the pitch, her hands reaching out to drag fingers against stone. “Delphine!”

Alison’s head lifted at the sound. The smaller woman was kneeling at Delphine’s hip, her twisted hands resting uncomfortable on her thighs. “Beth.”

Beth dropped to her knees and slid the last few feet over slick grass, coming to a stop at the blonde’s back. “Hey, ne t'inquiète pas, je suis là.” Her hands found Delphine’s sides and her head dropped forward against a bowed and shaking spine. “I’m so stupid, Delphine, I’m sorry.” She glanced up and found Sarah tucked under Cal’s arm, her face buried in his shoulder. She’d been off joking around while her friends were falling apart. “Fuck,” she muttered. “J'aurais dû savoir.”

She could hear Alison moving to her feet, heard her walking to meet Tony and Helena’s footfalls with a sniffle. Beth dropped back onto her tailbone, stretching an arm to keep her palm pressed against Delphine’s hunched back.

Helena was taking steps towards Sarah, her eyes darting up to meet Cal’s. He whispered over Sarah’s head, “She was fine until…” he jutted his bearded chin out at Delphine. Helena’s hands moved slow and steady, fanning out across Sarah’s shoulders.

Beth looked behind her at Tony. His tongue was darting out to wet parted lips, two ash-brown eyes pinned on Delphine’s trembling form. “Désolée, désolée, désolée…” the blonde was coughing through sobs.

Tony’s gaze came up to meet Beth’s.

***

Her eyes were closed against the sun, its heat warming her face. The sweet smell of smoke tickled her nose. She felt a nudge at her shoulder and peeked an eye open; Alison was leaning over onto her hip, holding a burning joint out for Beth.

Tony came around the corner of East Toronto High’s gym building, unraveling an extension cord. “Found an outlet just inside the door.”

“They left the door unlocked?” Cal asked, disbelieving.

The twins snorted in unison and Tony rolled his eyes. “No, they did not,” he winked. He dropped the end of the cord at Delphine’s feet, looked up at her and raised a thick brow, “You ready?”

Delphine’s lips stretched into a shy smile and she bobbed her head once. Helena crouched down between them, plugging in the tattoo gun and setting out supplies. “I want to go next,” Helena said quietly, glancing over her shoulder at Sarah for approval.

The punk smiled and her eyes softened. Beth thought she’d only ever seen her look at Kira and Helena that way. Sarah moved closer and tangled her fingers in Helena’s wild hair, hugging her sister’s head to her thigh. “‘Course, Meathead.”

“I was not good to Felix.” Helena’s voice was sad.

Tony looked up from his instruments. He stepped on the foot pedal and the gun buzzed loudly. Helena looked up at the noise and the pair locked eyes in silent exchange. “He loved you, Helena.” Tony whispered before dropping his gaze back down the fiddle with the machine.

Helena looked up at Sarah with a wide and questioning expression. Sarah’s matching eyes slid closed and she nodded, “Yeah, yeah he did.”

Beth watched Helena rub her nose with the back of her wrist and flop down onto her rear, dropping her knees out to the sides and gripping her ankles. She chewed her lips, her innocent features taking in Delphine’s lanky frame folding in on itself as the tall blonde slid to the ground as gracefully as one with such long legs could.

Tony dropped as well— crosslegged with the foot pedal tucked up under the edge of his shoe. He snapped gloves into place, stitching his fingers together to press the nitrile closer to the webbing of his joints and clenching and unclenching his fists a few times. He brushed away a stray tear with his forearm and reached across the short distance to grab Delphine’s wrist and tug it into his lap.

Delphine’s back filled Beth’s vision as the two former friends touched knees. All she could hear was the steady, pulsing buzz of the tattoo gun and the occasional sniffle shared between them.

She took a long drag off the joint and turned her eyes to the sky, watching the smoke leave her lungs in a cloud, drifting upward to join its cousins moving across the blue expanse. In the distance she heard the resonant trill of a sparrow.

***

Beth’s fingers gripped the collar of her shirt and she struggled to pull it over her head, the present ache in her ribs mixing with a sudden sharpness at the movement. She couldn’t see Alison with her shirt covering her face, but she felt her move closer. The shorter woman gripped the hem and slid the fabric easily up and off. Beth sighed and dropped her arms, blowing a strand of hair that had loosed from her ponytail out of her face with a puff of air.

Alison’s head was tilted to the side, a tender, longing, smile twitching against her lips. Beth reached up to smooth her hair, wincing again as the pain shot through her. “What?”

Alison didn’t answer, just moved even closer and took fingertips to the tape holding Beth’s bandages in place. She twisted her hips and moved her arm, her eyes dropping to watch Alison pull away the nonstick gauze— it was stained dark with ink and blood, gooey with plasma. Alison crouched and blew gently against the raw skin. Beth remembered doing the same to her ten years before.

“Going for the ribs was a bad idea.” Beth groaned when Alison pressed into the swollen flesh along the edges of the tattoo.

Alison smiled and looked up at her, “It looks good. Tony’s skill has certainly improved.”

Beth chuckled and tried to reach low enough to get at the waist of Alison’s pants. “Let’s see yours.”

Alison stood back up and lifted her shirt at her right hip. Beth’s fingers hooked into her jeans and tugged them down enough to get at the bandage nestled just inside her hipbone. Alison released her shirt to unbutton and unzip the denim, rolling down the edge before lifting her shirt again, sliding her hand up the flat of her stomach. Beth dropped to her knees and peeled back a corner of the gauze, peeking around it to see the fresh ink.

She looked up at the sound of a chuckle ghosting past Alison’s lips. “What?” She asked. Alison still had that soft smile, that look in her eye like the two of them knew things that no one else could possibly know.

“Nothing.” Alison rested a hand on top of Beth’s head.

She didn’t have to say anything, Beth knew that look. Alison used to fix her with that same stare and whisper declarations of love long into the night. She could feel the ache of loss, dull and hollow behind her sternum, she wondered if Alison felt it too. She swallowed down the emotion. There was a vast difference between playfully chuckled ‘I love you’s and that look— _that look_. Her eyelashes fluttered as she turned her attention back to the tattoo, gentling the edges of the bandage up until she’d peeled it off completely. The gaping eyes of Melphomene and Thalia— the tragedy and comedy masks of ancient Greek theatre— stared back at her, haunting in their simplicity. A paintbrush was thrust through one of Melphomene’s empty sockets, a teardrop shaped splatter of paint falling below it, rolling down the mask’s cheek. Tiny pinpricks of blood dotted across the glossy skin and it radiated heat, Beth resisted the urge to press her lips to it.

She let out a shaking breath, noting the quake that moved through Alison’s body. “Felix,” she whispered, pained.

“I miss him too,” Alison murmured, sliding her palm over Beth’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delphine and Tony one-shot, available now for your viewing pleasure... over on the... other thing. Go check it out!
> 
> On Friday, the prodigal daughter returns to Montreal.


	9. Chapter 9

Beth took the steps two at a time, the elevator had been occupied and she needed the time to herself anyway. A bag filled with Alison’s clothes, pressed neat and tidy, was slung over her shoulder, a stack of hangers hooked around curled fingers. Beth adjusted the weight of them as she turned into the next flight of stairs. Things had changed somewhere— the days of playful kisses had taken a turn, she could feel it in Alison’s eyes, burning a hole through her, clenching her gut. Beth wasn’t sure if she was ready. A part of her was pleased that Alison still harbored such deep feelings for her after all these years, and there was no doubt that she felt the same, but something was holding her back.

There was little time to ponder the ‘why’ as her sneaker landed on the last step, her next footfall leading forward to meet the metal access door to their floor. Beth shifted her keys in the palm of her hand, thumbing through to find the right one to unlock the apartment. She tried to even out her breathing as she walked down the hall, fit the appropriate key in the lock, and twisted the door open.

Delphine was seated at the bar, the morning paper fanned out in front of her, flopping over itself in the corners while she tried to shake it stiff enough to read.

“Have you seen Alison?” Beth asked as she shut the door behind her.

Delphine twisted her head around in acknowledgement before looking back to the paper, “She’s in the shower.”

“Still?” Beth made her way down the hallway to her room, dropping Alison’s freshly cleaned clothes on her bed before wandering out to stand in front of the bathroom door. She could hear the shower, Alison humming along to some wordless tune she didn’t recognize. She pressed her hands to either side of the door fame and spoke into the jamb, “You’ve been in there for half an hour, Alison,” she paused for a beat before adding, “are you alright? You can’t soak your tattoo like that, it’s going to scar.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Alison’s voice laughed through the air, echoing through the tile bathroom. Her tone turned saucy, “You want to join me?”

Beth’s jaw clenched and she turned her head, eyes darting off down the hallway to look at nothing in particular. She sighed and took a deep breath, struggling to hold up her suddenly heavy head, “Just hurry up. We need to get going soon.”

“Beth, I was joking.” She heard the water pressure decrease before turning off all together. She didn’t respond, just turned and walked back to the kitchen.

Delphine was clumsy, trying to turn the page and taking a bite of her toast at the same time, eventually abandoning the food in her mouth— holding it between her teeth while she used both hands to fix the paper. “Quand est-ce que vous pars?” The blonde mumbled through her question.

Beth leaned across the bar and took the edge of the bread, pulling free what wasn’t trapped behind Delphine’s teeth and setting it down on her plate. “As soon as Alison’s ready, I guess.” There was a long moment while Delphine chewed, swallowed, while her eyes scanned the article in front of her. “Delphine…” Beth’s eyes dropped down to the countertop, scraping her fingernail against some tiny speck of something, “are you going to be okay?”

“Oui,” the blonde didn’t bother looking up. “I’ll be busy working the whole week.”

Beth’s gaze flicked back up to Delphine’s face. She was about to speak when Alison came bursting out of the bathroom— Beth turned to track the motion, but Delphine didn’t flinch. “Give me five minutes,” Alison rushed out, holding up her hand, fingers splayed, “five minutes.”

Beth dropped her head, forehead thudding against her open palm. “So…que lis-tu?” She turned her head to catch Delphine’s eye, the tall woman finally pulling herself from the page.

“It’s an article on the reunion,” she said, “nothing interesting.” Beth recognized the empty tone, the shallow expression, she couldn’t leave… not today.

She cleared her throat and stood to her full height, “Sounds lame.” She turned and walked to the bedroom with clear intent. She didn’t bother knocking and Alison jumped to hide her body before she realized it was Beth. She scoffed, “Who did you think it was?”

Alison’s head tilted stiffly as she leaned over the bed where her outfit was laid out, “I don’t know. I live alone, Beth, I’m not used to being barged in on.”

“I didn’t barge in, this is my room, Alison.” Dark eyes trained on Alison’s back, Beth’s jaw working furiously behind her lips. She sighed and glanced over her shoulder at the door, “I think we should wait to go.”

Alison whipped around to face her, “The ceremony is tomorrow!”

“Yeah?” Beth’s eyes rolled, “We’ll leave early, get there before it starts, spend some time with everyone when the thing is over and be home before midnight.”

The shorter woman’s jaw was slack, but tension was clear across her features. “Elizabeth…”

Beth was shaking her head firmly, “Don’t Elizabeth me, I’m serious, Ali.”

Alison was shaking her head as well, more vigorously, brimming with anger, “No, no.” She turned back to the bed, slipping into underwear. She glared over her shoulder at Beth as she hooked the matching bra behind her back. “We’re going. Take your things to the car.”

“Alison.”

“Take your things to the car, Beth.” Alison jerked her jeans off the mattress, bending over and shoving her feet into them.

***

‘Je reviens dès que je peux, promis.’ Beth glanced down to her lap to read the text before hitting send.

“Can you please not text and drive?” Alison snipped from the passenger’s seat.

Beth grit her teeth and glared over at her, “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t rush me out of the damn house.”

“I recall you rushing me out of the shower this morning, so maybe don’t place all the blame on me.” She took a breath and nodded to Beth’s wrist draped over the steering wheel, “Will you please drive properly?”

Beth groaned and shifted straighter in her seat, taking the wheel with both hands, “What the hell has gotten into you today?”

Alison finally relaxed and turned her head to look out the window. “Nothing, I just don’t want to die in a horrific car accident.”

Beth flinched at the comment. “Yeah. That’d be awful.”

Alison sighed, as if suddenly realizing what she said. She turned and rested a hand on Beth’s thigh, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry, Ali, there are no stop lights or trees on the highway.” Beth gripped the wheel tighter, twisting its giving surface between clenched fists.

Alison bit her lip and pulled her hand away, whispering, “More importantly, you’re sober.”

Beth glanced over at her before looking back to the road. She grunted a vague affirmation. Silence settled over them.

“Why didn’t you want to leave?” Alison asked, though she sounded like she already knew the answer.

“Delphine isn’t doing well.” Beth said simply, biting down on her cheek.

Alison hummed quietly and nodded. “She’s never gotten over Cosima.”

Beth’s head darted to throw Alison a shocked expression, “The love of her life died, weak and frail and in pain, at eighteen. She watched it happen, Alison—”

“—We all did. I remember.” Alison’s voice was full of sadness. “And Felix—“

“—She watched him die too.” Beth was sharp and bristling, daring Alison to continue down the path their conversation was headed. It wasn’t the first time the shorter woman had questioned Delphine’s mental health, had questioned Beth’s care of her. On her last visit she’d even used the word ‘institutionalized’— it had been the last word spat between them on that trip, Beth slamming the door behind her and refusing to answer her texts. It was the last word between them until Alison walked into Sarah’s bar, and suddenly Beth was remembering why.

The drive was six hours in real time, but it felt like a full twenty-four with nothing but angry tension filling the car. When they finally made it to the island Alison broke the silence, “I guess we should talk about dealing with your parents.”

Beth grumbled, “Nothing to talk about.”

Alison sounded surprised, “You finally admitted we broke up?”

“Yes.” Beth caught her cheek with her molars, twisting her lips to tear the fragile flesh.

When she didn’t say any more Alison prompted— “When?”

A shrug, “A few years ago.”

Alison looked down at her hands, fingers fiddling with each other in her lap, “I should probably know why we broke up… in case someone brings it up.”

“I just told them the long-distance thing wasn’t working anymore.” Beth cleared her throat and rubbed her nose vigorously with the heel of her palm, keeping her eyes forward.

“Oh…” Alison nodded. She piped up again after a few minutes, “Have you come out to t—“

“No. In no world do they need to know about my sex life.”

Alison pursed her lips at Beth’s hard growl, turning her head to take in the streets of Montreal— trying to make out the French street signs as they passed. “Okay.”

***

Beth’s parents were waiting for them when they pulled into the driveway of the small home Beth grew up in. Beth put the car in park, pulled the e-break, and let out a slow breath, eyeing them through the windshield.

“Are you ready?”

She shook her head and yanked the keys from the ignition. “Never.”

Alison moved forward to greet them as Beth popped the trunk and rounded the car. “Mr. Childs, it’s so lovely to see you again. And Mrs. Childs, we only met briefly— it was years ago. I’m Alison Hendrix.” She extended a hand.

“Alison, of course.” Brenda shook Alison’s hand, but their reunion was cut short by Beth’s father, pushing his wife away to engulf Alison in a bear hug.

“Ali, goddamn it’s good to see you!” He grinned, pulling back to take her in, holding her by her shoulders as he gave her a once-over.

She smiled, “Mr. Childs, I’ve missed you.”

He shook her gently, “John, call me John. You’re all grown up now.”

“You as well, it seems.” She reached up to ruffle his salt and pepper hair. “You’re a bit more grey than when I saw you last.”

He laughed and shrugged, “It happens.”

Beth watched them over the car as she set their bags on the concrete. Her mouth watered, palms itched, her throat clenched tightly at the sight of her mother. The last words she’d said to her were shouted over her shoulder— _“You make me want to drink, Mom. You are my trigger.”_ She wished the words had lost their truth in the decade since she’d spat them, but the urge left her close to bursting.

She closed her eyes, squeezing her lids shut with as much force as she could muster. She dipped her torso down, reaching deep into the trunk to grab the last bag. She could hear her father calling out for her, “And where’s my girl? Beth?” She rested both hands on the floor of the trunk and blew out a shuddered breath before gripping the edge of her duffle bag and emerging from the car.

He spotted her and waved her over. She slung the bag over her shoulder and shut the trunk, picked up the two small suitcases she’d left on the ground, and marched slowly up the drive like a death-row inmate to the electric chair.

Her mother was smiling, reaching out for her with a hand eager to squeeze one of Beth’s. She looked from the outstretched offering to her dad. “Hey.” She didn’t make a move towards either of them, just stood and shifted the weight of their luggage in her arms, shifted her weight on her feet. The older woman dropped her hand and her smile became tinged with sadness. Beth might have felt guilty if she wasn’t so damn angry.

John closed the distance. He looked like he wanted to hug her but thought better of it. He awkwardly gestured to one of the bags and she let him take it. “How are ya, bub?” He settled for patting her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m here.” Beth offered, noncommittally, and walked towards the door. She could sense the trio sharing a look behind her back. She shook her head and pulled open the storm door, catching it with her shoulder and reaching for the knob.

Her mother was suddenly by her side, taking the flimsy outer door in hand and holding it away from Beth’s side. “And we’re glad you are.” Beth spared her a glance out of the corner of her eye before she shoved open the wooden door and stepped up into the house.

It was musty as ever, and nothing had changed since she’d left— save for a few crucifixes covered in a finer layer of dust than everything else. Pictures still hung in the same places, the same ratty couch was pressed to the wall, the tube television (old even when she’d left) was bulky and tilted at the same angle, her mother’s collection of porcelain pigs still took up residence on a decorative shelf, but the house was undeniably different. Beth barely recognized it as the same place.

“What’s the matter?” Her father’s voice came from behind her, she felt his presence at her back.

She rolled her shoulder blades, cocked her head, “Nothing.”

Brenda moved deeper into the house to make room in the tiny entryway. “Are you two…” she busied herself with straightening a frame on the wall and cleared her throat, “will one of you be sleeping on the couch, or…”

Beth looked over her shoulder to meet Alison’s sly smile. “We’re good.”

“We’ll be fine in Beth’s room, Brenda.” Alison slid to Beth’s side, resting a hand high on her back, fingertips grazing the back of her neck.

Her father smiled, “Good, good…I’m really glad to hear that.”

She wanted to tell him they hadn’t gotten back together, but Alison’s fingers were distracting, tangling in the baby hairs too short to make it up into her ponytail. Alison leaned closer to her, whispering in her ear, “This is where you grew up? I like it.”

Beth shot her a glare and turned to her parents, grabbing the bag her father left by the door. “We’re going to go get unpacked.”

“Be sure to come eat when you’re done, Beth,” her mother said, “I can make everyone sandwiches.”

“I’m not hungry,” Beth grumbled and turned down the hallway that led to her old bedroom. Alison sighed, Beth could hear her apologizing, promising they’d be out shortly, before her footsteps echoed along through the hall.

She dropped the bags down on the worn carpet. It was tearing along the edges where it met the wall, frayed in places and covered in familiar stains. Alison shut the door behind her. Beth ducked her head under the strap of her duffle bag and dropped it on her bed; it seemed small, just a twin, she couldn’t remember ever fitting in a bed that size.

“Are you going to be like this the whole time we’re here?” Alison asked.

Beth lifted her eyes to the cracked ceiling, the puncture marks she’d made shooting pencils with rubber bands, the scuff marks made by dirty soccer balls brushing against it. She opened her mouth to speak but Alison was already apologizing.

“I’m sorry, I know this is difficult for you.”

Dark eyes slid closed and Beth turned to face her former lover, letting her arms fall limp at her sides. Alison moved closer and brushed her lips against Beth’s cheek. “I don’t want to be here, Ali.”

“It’s just for a few days,” cool hands cupped Beth’s face, thumbs gliding over her eyes, tickling her lashes. “And I’m here.”

Beth leaned forward and kissed her, soft and lingering, “I’ve never been so thankful.”

She opened her eyes in time to catch Alison’s smile, “Let’s get unpacked.”

Beth nodded and scooped the suitcases up, tossing them onto the bed next to her duffle bag. She heard the protesting groan of her dresser when Alison slid a drawer open, looking inside.

The small woman let out an audible gasp and Beth turned into the noise. “Beth,” Alison grinned holding up an old sweater, “this is cute.” Her lashes flit closed as she drew the fabric to her face. “It still smells like you.”

Beth swallowed and caught the inside of her cheek between her teeth. “Yeah, well…” she didn’t know what to say. She unzipped a bag and pulled out a stack of Alison’s freshly laundered clothes. “Just… throw everything in a pile in the corner, we’ll put our stuff in the drawers.”

“Don’t you want to see what’s in here? You probably still fit in all of this.”

Beth stared at her blankly until Alison met her gaze. The shorter woman chuckled, “Right, sorry.” She started unpacking the drawers, taking clothing by the stack from Beth’s hands and replacing the old with the new. They worked together until the several outfits they’d each brought were neatly stored away. Alison dug into a nearly empty suitcase, emerging with toothbrushes and toothpaste; after another reach in she’d gathered deodorant and hairbrushes.

“Across the hall,” Beth directed, “the wiring is bad, the lights don’t work, there is a flashlight in a drawer under the sink if you need it… it’s right inside the door.”

Alison pecked her cheek and shut the door on her way out. Beth let out a gust of air and cleared off the bed, dropping bonelessly back onto the mattress; it was lumpy and uneven and she could feel a few broken springs as they creaked under her weight. She inhaled deeply through her nose and rubbed the tickle of dust away with a knuckle. Her jaw clenched and she took in another breath, her nostrils flaring. She squeezed her eyes shut against the tremor in her chest, pushed down the tears.

“The lights worked fine.” The door cracked open and Alison stepped inside, Beth could feel the other woman’s thigh brush against her hand, feel her weight moving over her. “Something’s wrong,” Alison whispered into her neck as she settled into Beth’s side. Beth scoffed and tangled their fingers together over her navel. “I mean, something more than… all of this.” Her lips pressed sweetly into the skin below Beth’s ear.

“It’s the smell.” Beth said, quietly.

Alison leaned up on her elbow, looking down at Beth until she opened her eyes to make contact. “The smell?”

“The house doesn’t smell like liquor anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "All Soccercop All The Time." That's my motto.
> 
> Actually, it's: "All Soccercop All The Time, Except When It's Propunk".
> 
> No propunk here... must be soccercop.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, this chapter contains some icky squicky queasy feelings regarding some sexual advances. Nothing graphic, just some stomach turning. Avoid if you'd like, it's the large body of italicized text shortly after Beth and Alison get to Subway (because that's a thing that happens).

It was seven in the morning and Beth was staring at the ceiling, just like she had all night, though the morning light was creeping through her window now and she could make out all its imperfections— just blurs in the darkness of earlier hours. Alison stirred next to her and Beth snapped her lids shut.

She felt warm breath on her shoulder as Alison turned into her body. Cold fingers tickled against her stomach, pressing to the skin, like a leech seeping the hot blood from her body. Alison’s weight shifted as she sat up, the bed protesting loudly. Beth evened out her breathing and waited for the other woman to slide off the foot of the bed and pad around, gathering clothes off the floor. When the door shut behind her, Beth opened her eyes.

She sat up and rubbed her face with trembling hands. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself. She gripped the edge of the mattress and strained to listening to the conversation drifting down the hall from the kitchen.

“Good morning, Alison!” Her mother cheered, “Did you sleep well?”

She heard Alison’s closed-lipped chirp of affirmation followed by the scrape of a chair against the cheap hardwood, the sound of her father’s footfalls and the clatter of ceramic.

“Coffee?” John asked.

“Yes, please.”

Brenda’s voice was excitable, Beth thought she’d never heard the tone before, if she hadn’t of known better she’d have mistaken the woman for a stranger. “I’m glad you’re awake, we’re getting ready to head to church, if you’re interested in coming.”

Beth groaned and stretched down, swiping a shirt off the ground. She tugged it over her head as she got to her feet and straightened her pajama pants— twisted and bunched from her restless night.

She heard a mumbled ‘thank you’ when she opened the door followed by a pause that she could only assume was Alison sipping her drink. “I thought the baptism was later in the afternoon.”

“It is, darling, it is,” Brenda said, “this is just the regular service.”

“You’ve never been religious, Mom.” Beth grumbled, making a beeline for the coffee maker.

Brenda cleared her throat and set her mug down on the counter with a gentle thud. “I found God again, dear.”

“Where was he?” She poured herself a cup and turned, leaning her hips back against the counter and crossing one arm over her chest, lifting the mug to her lips and muttering over the steaming liquid, “In an AA meeting?”

John spun away from the conversation, turning on the sink and rinsing breakfast dishes. Beth’s mother looked up at her from her seat at the table; she was quiet for several long moments before she spoke, “Yes, Beth. Allowing God back into my life has helped with my sobriety, it’s true. There’s no need to snark.”

Beth shrugged, “Not snarking, just… pointing out the obvious. Without booze you needed a new obsession— I get it.”

“Elizabeth.” Brenda’s voice grew sharp before quickly softening again, “Please don’t be rude.”

“Whatever,” Beth strode powerfully toward the hall, letting her mug land heavily on the table by her mother as she passed, “I’m taking a shower.”

***

Beth wasn’t sure whether Alison would be around when she came out of the bathroom, but she was pleased to find her sitting on the couch with her legs folded under her. “What are you looking at?”

Alison glanced up from the photo album she had open in her lap. “Baby pictures.”

Beth stood at the edge of the hallway, leaning her shoulder against the wall. She rubbed an eye and watched her ex flip the page. The stiff inserts were yellowing, the adhesive orange in places, and the plastic film stuck over lovingly placed memories crinkled audibly as Alison’s fingertips traced Beth’s youthful face. “My mom didn’t con you into church?” She spoke solely out of a desire to draw Alison’s attention away from the album.

Alison sighed and shut the book, leaning over to set it carefully on the floor. She patted the couch beside her. “She didn’t try.”

She tightened the towel around her chest and wandered over, tucking a leg under herself as she sat. “That’s surprising,” she grumbled.

“Beth,” her voice was strong and warning.

Beth rolled her eyes, “What? She’s a fucking bitch, Alison. She got brainwashed by AA and now she’s acting like she’s a damn saint?” She threw a hand out in the direction of an ornate cross hung on the wall. “What the hell is this? She’s so fake.”

Alison’s hand rested against her forearm, “Or, maybe, just maybe— and I know you may think this is crazy— but maybe she’s trying to better herself.” Beth scoffed, but Alison only continued, “Your mom is a sore spot. But, Beth, it doesn’t take much to see she’s trying here.” She made a move to stand, shoving herself up off the cushions, but Alison grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her back down. “Hey,” the shorter woman swung a leg over Beth’s lap and ran her fingers through wet hair, “we can go home after the baptism if you want.”

Four dark eyes met and Beth blinked slowly. She let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and nodded, dropping her head forward against Alison’s collarbone, “I can’t do this.”

Alison hugged her head, pressing lips to Beth’s crown. “I know, love, I know.”

“Let’s get out of here,” she mumbled into Alison’s chest.

She could hear Alison’s smile, “Are you going to show me around your city, Hot Shot?”

Beth grinned and lifted her head, her gaze flicking between Alison’s eyes and lips. “I’ll take your ass on the Metro if you don’t watch out.”

Alison purred, “Ooo, sounds seedy.”

“It’s actually pretty nice… you know, for public transit.” Beth laughed and stretched her neck to kiss Alison.

***

“Oh, God, I’m so hungry. Why did I skip breakfast?” Beth clutched her rolling stomach, stumbling dramatically into the brick facade of the nearest business.

Alison rolled her eyes and reached out to steady her, “Because you’re a petulant child and wanted to spite your mother.”

Beth smirked and knocked their shoulders together, “Yeah. You like it.”

“I do not.” Alison swatted her away, scanning the street for a restaurant. “What is there to eat around here?”

Le Village was bustling, crowds of locals and tourists alike carried bags filled with trinkets and paper coffee cups. They bid the summer adieu in snapbacks and sunglasses and sleeveless tees while passing under the rainbow flags that lined the streets.

Beth hummed, “I think there’s a Subway around the corner,” she slid into a conspiratorial grin, linking her fingers with Alison’s, “which is convenient, because it’s on the way to your surprise.”

“A surprise?” Alison batted her eyelashes, “What is it?”

Beth chuckled and swung their arms in a wide arc between them as they walked, “Why do people always ask what the surprise is?”

“Because they don’t like being surprised.” Alison muttered, following Beth’s lead around the corner of a building. After a few more paces she piped up, “I’m glad you have a surprise for me, because I have one for you too.” She reached across her body with her free hand to tug her phone from her pocket, burying herself in it.

Dark eyebrows rose up Beth’s forehead as she watched, “Oh yeah?”

“Mhm, but only if you want to stay another day.” Alison nodded, “I don’t want to pressure you if you’re not up for it.” Beth tried to catch a peek at the phone, but the other woman promptly tilted it away, “No cheating. Decide first.”

Beth grumbled, “But my decision is dependent on what the surprise is.”

Alison smiled down at her screen, “Are you… _asking_ what the surprise is?”

Beth spun in front of her, blocking her path, and bent her arm until their joined hands were behind Alison’s back. With the guise of leaning in for a kiss, she brushed their lips together. As soon as Alison’s eyes slid closed Beth dropped her chin and looked down at the phone. Alison sensed the movement and hit the home button before Beth could catch more than a flash of blue. “Damnit, Ali!”

Alison’s eyes fluttered open and her lips curled slowly, “I’m trying to do a thing here, Beth— work with me.”

She darted across the distance to Alison’s mouth, kissing her quickly before dropping back into place at her side and continuing the walk to the sandwich shop. “Whatever, jerk.” Beth managed to hold strong halfway down the block, but by the time she was pulling open the door, she finally crumbled, whining, “Alison!”

The shorter woman rolled her eyes and walked into the store. “Fine, but I just want you to know that this could have been super romantic and beautiful and you’re ruining it.” She unlocked her phone and held it up, facing Beth:

**Montreal Impact v Toronto FC, September 3rd. Buy tickets now!**

Beth’s jaw dropped and she snatched the phone out of Alison’s hand. “Holy shit! Alison!”

She snorted, “How could you forget?”

“I didn’t forget, I knew the game was tomorrow, I just…”

“Beth?” A voice pulled her from Alison’s phone, pulled at her heart until it dropped like a rock into the pit of her stomach and then yanked it up into her throat in one motion. _coldfishcoldfishcoldfish_ “Beth?” _coldfishcoldfishcold—_

“Paul?”

He looked like he’d seen a ghost, but he managed to force through to a smile. “Beth. I— Jesus, this is crazy. What are you doing here?”

 _coldfishcoldfish_ ”Uh—“ her brain buzzed as she searched for words, “we’re—“

“We’re visiting Beth’s family.” Alison supplied. She took steps to the counter, a smile plastered across her face, offering a hand, “Alison.”

“Alison.” Paul tasted her name, blanking in his shock. He finally caught up and cleared his throat, shaking her hand and gesturing to his chest with his left— “Paul.”

“Paul.” Alison’s smile was tense but polite. She twisted at the waist and extended an arm out to wave Beth forward.

Beth’s feet felt numb, but she made it to Alison’s side without injury or embarrassment. Paul had his crystal blue eyes raking up and down her body. “Well damn, Beth, you haven’t changed at all, have you?”

She barely heard Alison’s protective tone, her clipped warning— “Actually, she’s changed quite a bit.”

_His smile was always the same, thin lips and straight teeth, like he knew something she didn’t. His eyes hungry, hands reaching, fingers strong and pressing into her hips. “Hey, baby.”_

_“Hey,” she smiled, he usually made her smile. He was so beautiful. She lifted herself onto the balls of her feet, pressed her lips to his. His chest flexed under her hands as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pinning her arms to her sides. He tightened his grip and lifted her a few inches of the ground, swinging her gently side to side until she tore away from his kiss and broke into a fit of laughter. “Paul!”_

_He was grinning down at her when he set her back down, lowering his head to draw her into another kiss. She leaned into him and slid her hands up and across his broad shoulders, down his arms, squeezing his biceps. “How’s my lovely girlfriend?”_

_“Better now,” always better when he was kissing her, “but we should really get to practice.” The boys team shared the pitch with the girls on Fridays making it her favorite day of the week— the perfect chance to outshine him._

_And she did. She dribbled past him, stole the ball away, outran him at every turn until he had his fingers tangled in her jersey, until he was pulling her back against his heaving chest, until their coaches released them to the locker room._

_“No, come on.” He tugged her along by her fingers, nestled in the spaces between his._

_She laughed, “Paul, we’re so gross, dinner can wait. I don’t want to sit at a restaurant all sweaty!”_

_It was like hitting a brick wall when he stepped in front of her. “I thought we could skip dinner this week.”_

_She bit the inside of her cheek and forced a smile, struggling to hide the twitch in her overworked muscles at his words. “Skip dinner? We never—“_

_“Yeah, ‘we never’… let’s be spontaneous.” His voice dipped lower, rolling into a growl as he caught her around the middle and kept her tight against him._

_He smelled like sweat, she smelled like sweat, but his was different, thick and heavy and stinging her nose. Or maybe it was tears. She pushed out a laugh and dropped her head, squirming an arm between them to rub her nose. “I don’t know, Paul.”_

_“Come on, Beth,” he walked her backward towards the parking lot. “It’s been like three weeks.”_

_“Okay…” he’d been so patient._

_And exactly twenty-two minutes later (she counted) he walked her backward towards his bed. He had his shirt off in the time it took her to blink. She took in a breath and glued her eyes to his skin, spanned her fingers across it, tried to focus on the warmth coming from him but she was too absorbed in the gritty feeling of dried sweat at the back of her neck._

_He had to dip low to kiss her shoulder. His scruff roughed against her and her eyelids fluttered closed. If it weren’t for the sense of impending dread she might like this— if she didn’t already know where it was going._

_His hands gripped the hem of her jersey and he was tugging it over her head faster than she could lift her arms. His mouth found hers as soon as she was free of the fabric, stomach hot against hers. She cupped the back of his neck to maintain contact as long as possible but he was already peeling off her sports bra._

“Beth?” Alison’s hand slipped under her shirt, fingers sturdy in their pressure against her spine.

She was flinching away when Alison’s other hand caught her stomach and held her in place until she could register the feeling. “Yeah. Sorry, I—“ she swallowed and leaned back into Alison’s soothing fingers, “got a little distracted there.” She managed a chuckle, hoped it sounded light-hearted.

Paul smirked, she could barely look at it. “See? Haven’t changed at all. Still always somewhere else.” He waved a hand around by his head. “Space-case,” he said it lovingly, like it was a pet name.

Beth could feel Alison bristle. She sensed the thrashing that was coming and stepped in— “What are you doing working at a Subway in Le Village?”

The smile never left his face. He was looking at her like he owned her. She wondered if he was running through similar memories. “I actually manage a different location, they needed some help down here so I’m filling in.” He gave a chuckle, “I guess I should do my job! What can I get for you and your—“ his eyes flicked to Alison briefly before returning to Beth, “friend.”

“Girlfriend.” Alison spat. Beth’s jaw cocked to the side and she turned her head to find Alison staring Paul down defiantly. “Partner,” she amended. “Fian—“

“Yes!” Beth cut her off, earning a glare. She pinned Alison with an incredulous look and spoke to Paul without taking her eyes off her fuming ex, “I’ll take a chicken teriyaki on wheat.” She heard him slipping on gloves. “What do you want, Ali?” She bit out sharply, cocking her head and squeezing Alison’s hip with as much warning force as she could muster.

It seemed to take all of Alison’s will to answer through tight lips, “A ham and turkey, please.”

***

Beth crumpled the paper wrapper that once held her sandwich into a ball and shoved it into their bag. “I cannot believe you, Alison!”

Alison was shaking her head furiously, mouth open for a bite of the sub she had lifted and ready, “Who did he think he was! I saw the way he was looking at you!”

Beth smiled, ducked her head to hide it, and reached her arm down into the bag, fishing around until her fingers closed over the red velvet cheesecake cookie they’d bought. “Whatever.”

“I mean, the nerve of that guy!”

She broke off a piece of the cookie and turned in front of Alison, taking blind steps backward as she shoved the food into the angry mouth in front of her. “Stop it. It was totally fine, he’s an idiot.”

Alison, momentarily quieted by the cookie, fixed her with a stern expression. After a few quiet paces her features softened and she swallowed. “Beth, you don’t have to pretend to be okay. I was there, I saw you.” Beth pushed more cookie into her own mouth, an excuse to avoid responding, and just shrugged. Alison’s eyes darted over Beth’s shoulder and she reached forward quickly to grab her elbows and pull her two steps to the right, narrowly avoiding another pedestrian.

She swallowed hard, the lump of half-chewed cookie going down painfully, and watched the near-collision pass by. “Thanks,” she muttered, tonguing her molars clean.

“Walk correctly, please.” Alison ushered Beth forward-facing and to her side.

“Yes, Mom.” Beth rolled her eyes, “Or should I say… Girlfriend. Partner. Fiancée.”

Alison huffed, “Christ, Beth, I was trying to stand up for you!”

Beth glanced over her shoulder to make sure they weren’t being closely followed before stopping in her tracks. She grabbed Alison by the belt loops and dragged her back until they were snug together. “I don’t think I’ve thanked you yet,” she whispered against the other woman’s lips.

“You certainly haven’t.” Alison grumbled, but a smile that she couldn’t contain was spreading across her face.

Beth dropped a soft kiss against her, “Thank you.”

Alison hummed an affirmation and pulled Beth into a firmer press by the back of her neck. Her tongue unconsciously darted out to swipe against Beth’s bottom lip, as soon as she made contact she jerked back, leaving Beth blinking and stunned at the sudden loss. “Are you okay?” She asked.

“What?” Beth tried to spur her brain back into action, her eyes still stuck on the movement of Alison’s mouth more than the words spilling from it.

“After seeing Paul, I don’t want to—“

“Alison— shut up.” Beth shook her head and caught Alison’s fumbling lips.

It was long seconds before they parted for air, Alison nuzzling happily against Beth’s cheek. “Don’t forget my surprise,” she mumbled.

Beth chuckled and nodded, knocking their foreheads together with each bob forward. “Yeah, it’s right over here.”

Alison opened her eyes to nothing unusual. “Where?”

Beth rolled her eyes and walked backwards into the middle of the intersection until she was standing at the center of Sainte-Catherine Street. She pointed upward and Alison finally saw it. Strung out above Beth’s head were pink balls crisscrossed above the road. She jogged quickly to Beth’s side and turned to look down Sainte-Catherine, her eyes widened at the sight— hundreds of thousands of pink spheres spanning out in either direction like a suspended ceiling with flashes of blue sky peeking through. Beth smiled at her wonder and whispered, “Les Boules Roses.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike Beth and Alison I was raised Jesus-free and have remained Jesus-free the entirety of my life. I did a few hours worth of research and talked to a handful of Catholic friends while I was writing this, but if I messed up somewhere along the way please realize that it certainly wasn't my intention. I'm not actively trying to sully religious rites.

Tilly had not outgrown ‘brat’. What she had done, however, was marry Art— Beth’s childhood best friend. His eyes found hers as she and Alison entered the church. Alison elbowed her sharply in the ribs when she mumbled a curse, jabbing violently into her healing tattoo. The pain only made another expletive slip from her lips. “Elizabeth, so help me, if you swear in this church one more time it will be the last thing you do.”

Beth cupped the sore spot tenderly and worried her cheek, unable to take her eyes off Art. He’d grown up well— broad shoulders leading to a thick neck. He’d never been scrawny, but he’d certainly filled out his sturdy frame.

Alison noticed her discomfort, “It’s just a church, Beth.”

“It’s not that.” Beth grumbled. Before she could elaborate, he was pushing through the gathering crowd to meet them.

His round cheeks pushed up with the spread of his smile and he had his arms out to take her in a hug without a word. Alison stepped swiftly to the side to give them room, her eyes wide as the burly man gripped Beth tightly around the shoulders. “It’s good to see you, Beth.”

“You…”

“Married Tilly? Yeah, crazy, huh?” He laughed. His voice was deeper than it had been. He nudged her playfully, “You know how it is…” he didn’t elaborate any further, but she thought it sounded a lot like ‘if I couldn’t have you…’. Art gestured around his body towards the altar where Tilly stood in a beautiful dress holding their tiny, swaddled, infant. “That’s my kid! Can you believe it?”

“No,” she answered frankly.

He seemed to think she was fooling around, punched her shoulder happily. It was with a start of surprise that he finally noticed Alison. “Oh!”

“Alison,” Beth offered, waving a hand in her direction. She locked eyes with the other woman, trying to silently scream her displeasure at the whole situation, but instead she said “this is Arthur Bell, an old friend.”

They shook hands cordially and Art gestured them along, traveling up the isle. “You’ve got to see him, Beth.”

She didn’t want to see the baby, she didn’t want to be standing in a church in uncomfortable clothes, she didn’t want to be in fucking Montreal at all. She regretted every bad thought she ever had about Toronto. “How did you even meet Tilly?” Beth groaned as they got closer and closer to the altar.

“It’s a funny story,” Art smiled over his shoulder at her, “we actually met at one of your mom’s interventions.”

Beth snorted and rolled her eyes, glancing over at Alison and mouthing ‘one of’. Alison just pressed her lips tightly together and dropped her attention to the plush carpet beneath her kitten heels.

Tilly gave Beth a one-armed hug and barely managed to suppress a flinch when the young woman referred to her as “my favorite cousin”.

Brenda was suddenly at her back, standing too close for comfort, reaching around Beth’s body to tickle her new nephew’s squishy cheeks. “We should find our seats, girls. Mass will be starting soon.”

The older woman looked comfortable waiting in line when the time came to take communion. Her body held none of the nervous tension that Beth’s did, and the noticeable difference in their demeanor only served to set Beth further on edge.

“Please relax, Beth, you’re twitching like a crazy person.”

She whipped her head around to glare at Alison. “Relax? Would you look at my mother?” She hissed.

Alison dipped her body to the side to steal a glance before righting herself, “What about her?”

Beth grunted, giving up, trying to ease her muscles and the rolling of her stomach at the same time. Brenda smiled and called the priest by name, accepting her communion wafer. The Father switched to a different goblet and let her sip. Beth looked away. Alison nudged her forward. The old man’s eyes were bright and blue, skin tags littering his eyelids like debris he’d picked up over his many years on the planet and he smiled warmly. She felt a surge of panic and dropped her head, crossing her arms to receive his blessing before moving on. She heard Alison’s muttered ‘Amen’.

“They had grape juice,” Alison leaned closer to whisper as they made their way back to their row, “all you had to do was ask.”

Her breath smelled like wine. Beth grit her teeth and ignored Alison’s hand at the small of her back. She slid between the pews and dropped heavily to her knees, speaking low, “You shouldn't have received communion anyway, you big gay. We should have just stayed in our seats.”

“Excuse me? It's not like we’re sleeping together,” Alison leaned in to whisper, “we haven’t done anything wrong.” She stiffened and said matter-of-factly, “I’ll have you know I’ve been to confession since the last time I had sex.”

Beth scoffed, “Yeah? And when was that?”

Alison shot her a warning glance.

The mass was entirely in French— pretentious considering at least half of the guests knew only enough to get by. Alison maintained polite poise despite her obvious boredom. She fiddled with Beth’s fingers, holding the taller woman’s hand in her lap. She shushed Beth sharply when she whispered again about their “big gay sin” and went back to dragging her the pad of her thumb against the ragged edges of Beth’s nails. She scraped against the roughness with her own fingernails, trying to ease the sharp catches while keeping her eyes glued on the priest.

“Do you want me to translate for you?” Beth snarked, leaning her weight into Alison’s small body.

She huffed air through her nose, fluttered her eyelashes and glared in Beth’s direction, hissed, “Beth…shush.”

“What name will your child be known to God and to us?” The old man asked Art.

He cleared his throat, “Luke.”

The priest nodded, “What do you seek for your child?”

“Baptism.”

“In asking for Baptism, it will be your responsibility to train Luke in the practice of our Faith, by keeping God’s commandments as Christ taught us.” He smiled over the boy, “Luke, the Catholic community welcomes you with great joy. In the name of all of us here present and all of God’s people, I claim you for Christ by the sign of the cross and invite your parents to do the same.”

Beth noted the dismal number of francophones when the priest asked the attendants to rise. She chuckled quietly and nudged Alison’s side, whispering, “Stand up.”

***

Art found them after the ceremony, holding his son in his arms and bouncing the boy. “Hey, we’re all going out for a few drinks, did you want to come along?”

She felt Alison stiffen at her side. She sighed, “I’m sober, actually.”

His brows darted up to his hairline, “You? Sober?” A laugh, “I would have never thought.”

Beth scratched her jaw and avoided his eyes, “You can believe my mom is sober, but not me?” He fumbled over an answer but was saved when Luke burst into tears. Art glanced between the baby and Beth, struggling to get out the words he’d been leading up to. His discomfort was more than enough to tip Beth off that he was trying to start a conversation she didn’t want to have. She gestured to her new cousin, “He’s probably pretty hungry.”

“Beth, we need to talk.”

She groaned inwardly, dropped her head forward and nodded, lips pursed. “We’re leaving for Ontario tonight. Say your peace, Art.”

The large man steeled himself. She looked up at him. He opened his mouth but it took several moments for anything to come out, “It’s about Angie.”

She had a hand up in a flash, “Nope,” she was shaking her head furiously, “no, no way. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Beth,” Art shifted the crying baby’s weight to reach for her arm but she took a step back, “this is serious.”

“I don’t want to hear it!” She spun on her heel and marched towards the doors, calling out over her shoulder, “Great to see you, Art. Really great.” They shut heavily behind her and she mumbled, “Fucking fantastic.”

Her eyes moved skyward and she worked to even out her breathing. Alison was behind her after a minute. She was glad the other woman didn’t mention her rude exit, and eased when she felt arms wrap around her waist. She rested her hands on Alison’s forearms and sighed.

“I can’t wait to go home.”

Alison brushed her lips against the back of Beth’s neck, “We can leave right now. Let’s go get our stuff.”

Beth twisted in her arms, “You’re not going to make me say goodbye to my parents?”

Alison shook her head slowly, her eyes taking in Beth’s face, “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do.” She lifted a hand to brush away a tear Beth hadn’t noticed was falling. “I’m sorry I forced you to come,” she dropped to a whisper, “I underestimated how much of a toll this would take on you.”

She wanted to ask Alison how it wasn’t blatantly obvious how difficult the trip would be, but she was too thankful that the other woman was giving voice to her struggle. Alison’s admission eased the overwhelming fear that she was just being dramatic, that the fight was all in her head. “Thanks,” she mumbled, letting Alison lead her to the car with thin fingers laced between her own.

“So… Art?” Alison shut the door behind her and watched Beth fit the keys in the ignition with patient eyes that tracked the movement of shaking hands from the keys to the gear shift to the steering wheel. When it was obvious that Beth wasn’t planning on answering she continued, “An old friend?”

Beth nodded, scratching the tip of her nose and navigating out of the parking lot.

“You never mentioned him.” Alison settled her hands on her lap and watched the oncoming traffic out her window as they waited for an opening. She let the silence linger for a few moments longer. “You’re ashamed.”

“Alison…”

The shorter woman shook her head, allowing Beth space in not seeking out eye contact, “It’s okay. I just…I know you, Beth.” She sighed and looked down at her hands, stealing a glance in Beth’s direction out of the corner of her eye. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I don’t.” Beth gripped the wheel tighter. She finally started to relax when Alison gave in and turned the radio on, hoping to fill the car with something more than uneasy tension. It wasn’t until they were parked in the driveway of her parents’ house that she spoke again. Alison stopped, door open and body halfway out of the car. “We got in a fight the night of the accident.”

Alison blinked and shifted her weight back into the seat. She caught the closing door with her knee to keep it cracked. “You and Art?”

Beth released her lip, sore and riddled with indents from her teeth, “He tried to stop me from leaving the party— grabbed my keys.” Alison took in the side of Beth’s face with sad eyes. “I hit him. Got him square in the eye, right on,” she threw a punch straight out in front of her, “just popped him right in the face.”

“Oh…”

Beth snorted, “He just begged me to let him take me home.” 

_“Beth please, just… just let me drive you?” Art reached for her again. She swatted his hands away and the force of her movement knocked her sideways a bit, sent her swaying._

_She caught her balance and rolled her eyes, “Jesus, Art! It’s never going to happen!” She found a smug satisfaction in his frown, the hurt in his compassionate eyes, “I’ve told you a million times it’ll never happen. I’m a raging dyke, remember? Go try and stick your dick in something else, eh?”_

_“Beth, it’s not like that.” He sighed, “I—“_

_“I? I?” She teased, lashed out, full of whisky-fire and slurring. Paul was nearby, watching with a drink in his hand. His blue eyes were like lead tearing through her flesh and urging her on. “What, Art? You in love with me? Just give up already!”_

_She’d wounded him. He still had fingertips to his cheekbone, but her words had bruised him much deeper. His voice was still calm, still caring, though he was clenching his jaw, losing patience. “Don’t go anywhere. I’m calling you a damn cab, you shouldn’t be driving.”_

_He hadn’t denied it. She’d known it was true, that his playful jokes had been veiled truths. She fell into memories of him— the way his face lit up when he’d pull his car up next to her during morning runs, the way he scooted closer in the treehouse they’d built in the sturdy oak that took up most of his backyard, the way his hand was gentle on her shoulder when he looked at her._

_It was those same gentle hands that pulled her back to the party. He had them, palms up, arms outstretched, one trying to find purchase against her forearm, the other aiming for the lanyard spilling out of her pocket._

_She didn’t say another word, just let her shoulder drop back while she balled her fist, swinging wide until her bones were crunching into his jaw. He veered to the left with her follow-through, doubled over and clutching his face with both hands._

She scratched her jaw and let her gaze wander out the window at the unevenly mowed grass of the small front lawn. “I yelled, accused him of being in love with me—“

“Was he?”

“He was… but that’s not why he…” Beth sighed and roughed her face with both hands, sighing deeply, “he was just trying to be a good friend.” She could feel Alison’s eyes on her, she was glad the shorter woman knew better than to ask if she’d ever apologized. “Anyway, I hit him again, hard enough to keep him occupied while I left…”

“While you had sex with Angela DeAngelis on the hood of your car.” Alison whispered to herself, tearing her gaze away from Beth and settling it on her feet, tapping her toes against the floor mat.

Beth looked over at her, studying her for a few beats before finding interest in a rabbit hopping through the yard. She sighed, teeth grinding, “yeah,” and reached for the door handle.

***

They had been on the mainland for fifteen minutes when Alison, hand on Beth’s thigh, hummed regret at missing the Toronto - Montreal game. Beth grinned and glanced over her shoulder before moving across several lanes of traffic, sending tense anxiety rippling down Alison’s rapidly stiffening spine. “What are you doing?!”

“I don’t want to spend any more time with my family, but I do really want to see the Reds get their asses kicked all the way back to Ontario.” She got off the highway at the next exit and swatted Alison with the back of her hand, “Get your phone out, find us a room.”

They were pulling into the closest motel within the half hour. It was a seedy place— the neon vacancy sign flickering, some letters burnt out all together. The ramshackle building seemed on its last legs, but there was a diner attached and Beth reminded a throughly disgusted Alison that they were only staying one night.

Her tune changed when they fit the key in the wobbly doorknob and pushed into the room. It smelled like cigarettes and mold and the bedsheets had a few unidentifiable stains. “Okay, maybe we made a little mistake.”

“Little?” The crinkle in Alison’s nose hadn’t eased since she’d caught sight of the place. She pinched the sheet between two fingers and held it up for inspection. “I make six-figures a year. We could have found a nicer place… any place would be a nicer place.”

“It’s…” Beth spun, snubbing her nose and looking for anything positive to point out, coming up blank, “it’s charming.”

“Charming?” Alison dropped the sheet and rested her fists on her canted hips, “Beth, this place is disgusting.”

Beth snickered and nodded, “Well what do you want to do? We paid for the night, we might as well stay.” Alison was breathing strong inhales and exhales through her nose. The sight just made Beth laugh louder. “Oh, come on,” she swung around and grabbed Alison by the waist, dropping her onto the bed and crashing down on top of her, “it could be worse.”

Alison screeched and tried to squirm away, bowing her body in an attempt to put space between her skin and the mattress. “Oh my God, Beth!”

“Look!” Beth straddled her hips, pinning her arms above her head, “It’s on you now! It can’t get any worse. You’re touching it and you’re alive.”

Alison was fuming, but she was still and no longer fighting. Beth dipped her head to brush her smile against Alison’s glowering, tight-lipped, frown. It took nearly a full minute of gentle coaxing to get Alison to loosen up enough to return her kisses— a minute of hands dragging up her body and lips finding the crease of her neck, teeth nipping at her throat, but she did finally relent. Beth smiled when the shorter woman puffed out the breath she’d had balled in her chest and reached up to free Beth’s ponytail.

She hummed into Alison’s cheek, dropping pleased kisses in a path to her lips. They’d barely met when Alison leapt all the way to her feet in one motion, screaming and pushing Beth to the side. “Something just _crawled_ on me!”

After a very long shower— forty minutes spent scrubbing every inch of their bodies until they were pink-skinned— they headed to the diner. The phantom itchiness was nearly gone when they slid into a booth. The coffee flowed all night, keeping drooping lids open and bloodshot eyes alert. When the sun rose, baking them through the wide windows, Beth realized she’d been awake for nearly forty-eight hours.

Alison’s head dropped back against her. Sometime around three in the morning she’d rounded the table, urging Beth to press her back to the glass and kick a leg up onto the bench. She’d settled in comfortably with the taller woman’s chin hooked over shoulder to pass the remaining hours counting the freckles on the arm Beth draped over her stomach.

The quiet rhythm of her counting buzzed in Beth’s ears and she caught herself drifting off, her skull banging back against the window and jarring her awake. “Why do you think Art wanted to talk to you about Angie?”

“Hmm?” Beth let her the side of her head thunk gently against Alison’s.

“It seemed pretty important…”

She pressed a kiss to Alison’s cheek before settling their temples together again, “They were close— when he wasn’t hanging out with us, he was running around with her.” She shrugged, “I don’t know, after the accident… we never really talked, you know?”

Alison nodded and they fell back into silence, eyes closed and brushing fingers over bare skin. “What are we going to do until tonight? The game doesn’t start until six.” Alison whispered.

“Sleep,” Beth mumbled, “we’re going to sleep.”

Alison giggled, her sleep-addled mind bringing a comedic twist to everything that came out of Beth’s mouth. “Where?”

“Right here.”

“We can’t sleep in a diner, Beth.”

She groaned and dropped her head until her skull thudded against Alison’s. “Then in our room.”

Alison twisted to look at her, “Noooooooo…”

“Yeeeesssss.” Beth was already shoving her forward until her feet hit the linoleum and she stood from the bench. Beth groaned and stretched, cracked her neck and back. “I don’t care about whatever is living in that bed, I’m going to die in it— right now.” She walked for the door, slapping money down on the counter to pay for their coffee. Alison followed her out the door.

Beth squinted into the harsh light. She shielded her eyes with her hand and walked lifelessly towards the motel, her shoes scuffing against the asphalt. Alison made a stop at the car to pull an afghan from the trunk. She unlocked their door and led Beth into the room with a hand on the small of her back. “You look exhausted.”

“We just stayed up all night, Ali, of course I’m exhausted.” Beth grumbled, making her way to the bed.

She managed to stay upright long enough for Alison to throw the afghan across the mattress, forming a make-shift barrier between their bodies and the nastiness that lurked beneath. “I meant, like… deeper than that.” Alison struggled to find the words, slurring sleepily.

Beth grunted and flopped face-first onto the bed. “Yeah.”

The shorter woman knelt and tugged off Beth’s shoes, rolled her over and unfastened her jeans, tugging from the bottoms until she’d freed Beth’s legs. She kissed a path from ankle to hip, mindful of the hand that came to rest on the top of her head as it guided her on a safe path that kept her lips away from inner thighs and other places Beth preferred she avoid. She landed heavily at Beth’s side and drew the taller woman into her arms.

Beth slung a leg over Alison’s hip and pressed her forehead to her former lover’s collarbone. Alison kissed her ear gently and whispered, “It’s been years since I’ve seen you so shaken.”

“Mom is so solid and sure…” Beth mumbled, barely hanging on to consciousness, sleep taking her quickly, “it’s only been two years and she’s so much better at this than I am.”

“Oh, Beth,” Alison crooned while she squeezed her eyes shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alison says she makes six figures a year. Female soccer players do not make six figures. The women playing in the NWSL (the league Alison plays in), make considerably less than even the lowest paid men in MLS, despite dominating the sport. Alison's salary is wishful thinking, maybe in ten years the women will be making as much as the men are. Something in me doubts it but it's my damn story, ya hear?


	12. Chapter 12

“Do you want to come out on the pitch? They’ll introduce you, it’ll be fun!” Jason Kellerman and Chad Norris had them flanked— both kitted out— one in blue, the other in red.

Alison smiled politely and shook her head, “No thanks, we’re just here to watch the game. I really appreciate you getting us in though, Jason.”

He smiled and leaned in a bit too close, “Yeah, no problem, anytime.”

She patted both of them on the chest, “You boys should go get warmed up, the game will be starting soon.”

“You’re rooting for me, right, Ali?” Jason’s grin made Beth nauseous.

Alison tilted her head to the side, “Sorry Jage, you know where my loyalties lie— I’ll cheer for Toronto until they bury me.”

Chad hooted at her words and jumped high in the air, giving Alison a high five. “Yeah Hendrix!” He winked at her and punched Jason in the arm, “The girl’s got some taste.”

Jason groaned and rolled his eyes. Alison smiled at him, “Don’t worry,” she looked over at Beth and bumped shoulders with her, “you’ve been an Impact fan your whole life.” She spared Jason a glance before fixing Beth with deep look, “She’ll be _supporting_ you very loudly,” her cool fingers brushed against the back of Beth’s neck before finding her spine and traveling its path downward, “isn’t that right?”

He gestured at the Thorns shield on Beth’s athletic jacket, “Are you on the staff in Portland?”

Alison spoke for her, “No! Jason, this is Beth!” She reached over and tugged at the zipper of Beth’s jacket, “I gave you this for your birthday last year, didn’t I?” She flashed the men a quick smile, “You know how it is— no one’s gotten anything from me that doesn’t have a logo on it in five years.”

The three of them laughed. It was true, Alison handed out swag on every gift-giving occasion and everyone from Kira to Delphine slept in Thorns t-shirts, drank from Thorns water-bottles, carried Thorns backpacks, gym bags, had Thorns lanyards and thumb flashlights on their keychains.

Jason cleared his throat and gave her a once-over, “Beth? Like, Beth-Beth?”

She furrowed her brow and turned her eyes on Alison who was slowly reddening. “Yes, Beth-Beth. There’s not a lot of Beths…”

“There _are_ a lot of Beths.” Chad said.

Alison glared at him sharply. “Shut up, Chad.” She took a deep breath and plastered on a smile. “We’re going to go now, bye!” Her grip was tight on Beth’s shoulders as she pushed her along. They made their way out of the tunnel and crept along the edge of the pitch until they found a relatively quiet place to sit along the north wall, between the two teams’ benches.

“Beth-Beth?” Beth flopped down against the grass, watching Alison fold her legs under her as she lowered herself gently to the ground.

Alison sighed, “Jason and I went to college together. He’s…heard a lot about you.”

Beth sucked her lips between her teeth, nodding her head broadly. She watched Jason and Chad run out to join their teams for warm ups. “He seems like a creep.”

Alison grimaced, “Yeah, he really is.”

“He’s much more charming during press conferences.”

“They both are.”

Beth kicked out a leg and dug in her pocket for gum. “How do you know Norris?”

“He’s dating our goal keeper. She’s smitten, but he’s kind of a dog.” Alison shrugged, took the offered piece and popped it in her mouth.

Beth chuckled, “A goalie and a center-back, it’s a match made in Heaven.” She dropped her head back against the wall that separated the pitch from the stands, rocking her jaw upward and stretching her throat out. It bobbed as she swallowed the rush of saliva brought on by biting into her gum and she could feel Alison’s eyes taking in the movement. “I bet they spend hours talking set piece defense.”

Alison smiled and thwacked Beth’s stomach, “They’re actually really cute together, I’ll have you know.”

“Mmm,” Beth hummed. After a few beats she turned her head to look at Alison, “So what did you tell ‘Jage’ about me?”

The shorter woman sighed and shrugged her shoulders, focusing her attention on folding and unfolding her hands in her lap, “It’s not the things I _told_ him, necessarily. He was just around…through everything, you know? The men’s and women’s teams were close, we hung out in the same crowds.”

“Through _everything_?”

Alison nodded and a sinking sadness tugged at their bodies. She let her weight drop to the side until she was leaning heavily against Beth, resting her head on the taller woman’s shoulder.

_“What are we? Like… are we together or are we broken up or what?“_

_“Does it really matter?” Beth threw her arms down at her sides and shook her head furiously, “Can’t we just enjoy the time we’ve got together, why do you always have to bring up labels?! Every single year it’s the same thing! You’re leaving to go back to school in three days! Let’s just be happy for five minutes!”_

_Alison’s patience for dealing with Beth’s tantrums was running thin, “Because I have a life outside of this city, Beth! I have other things I need to be doing and thinking about, I need to know where we stand so that I can live a life away from here. I can’t constantly be wondering what we are to each other!”_

_Beth stopped her pacing, standing still and glaring at her, voice filled with venom, “Do you love me?”_

_Alison sighed and watched her for long, quiet moments before muttering, “Of course I love you, Beth.”_

_“But?” Beth watched her with hard eyes._

_“But…” Alison shrugged, “but things are complicated.”_

_Beth nodded, biting her lip. She turned her back on Alison, her fists sliding off of her hips like she didn’t have the strength to hold them up any longer. “Not for me,” she sighed, “there’s nothing complicated about waiting for you.”_

***

Beth was often incorrigibly smug, but never as much as she was when the Impact won a game. Alison was clearly a half breath away from smacking her, warning, “Elizabeth, I swear.”

Beth offered the glowering woman a hand up off the grass, “Just one more, just one more, I promise.”

Alison sighed and rolled her eyes, “Go ahead.” As Beth opened her mouth Alison thrust a hand in her face— “Just one. more. time.”

Beth grabbed her wrist and kissed her open palm before spinning away with her arms thrust up in the air, “Eat a dick Torontoooooo!” She bounced up and down, hopping in the air as they made their way onto the slowly emptying pitch. “Nous sommes Montréalais! Et nous chantons en choeur! Nous sommes Montréalais! Fidèles à nos couleurs!”

Jason followed the sound of her chanting and found them, laughing. He gestured to Beth, “I like this girl, Ali!”

Alison groaned. Her eyes rolled all the way back in her skull. “Yeah, you’re the only one. I’m about to leave her here, you like her so much— you can keep her.”

Chad wandered over, wiping sweat from his face with the jersey he had slung over his bare shoulder. He clapped a hand on Jason’s back and shook his head at Alison, “Well, we did our best.”

Alison scoffed and held her tongue, nodding instead of commenting. She watched, frowning, while Jason and Beth shared smiles and a high-five. She breathed out a sigh and her eyes lingered on the pitch, “I need to get out some aggression. You boys too tired to go a round?”

“In the sack?” Jason leered at her.

She shot him a rage-filled glare, “On the pitch, Kellerman.”

He pursed his lips and shrugged, looking over at Chad. “How are you feeling, loser?”

Chad kicked his cramping legs loose and shook his arms out, “Like a damn rematch.”

Jason smirked and shoved Beth’s shoulder, “You any good?”

Her smile slipped away for the first time since Montreal scored the only goal that the ninety minute game saw. She settled back onto her heels, “Not so much.”

“She’s lying, she’s outstanding.” Alison’s fury subsided and she linked her arm through Beth’s, dragging palms down her forearm until she had Beth’s hand cupped between her own and their fingers stitched together.

Beth dug the toe of her shoe into the grass and shook her head, “I used to be,” she cleared her throat, “I haven’t played in years.”

Chad’s eyebrows rose, the movement making a hanging bead of sweat drip down into his eye, “Years?! I don’t think I could go more than a few days without playing.”

Beth glanced over her shoulder, searching for anything she could use to get out of the conversation. Alison was squeezing her hand, bumping into her side gently, “Beth, come on. No pressure, just for fun. Let’s kick around…like old times?” When Beth’s dark eyes darted between the two men Alison nodded and shrugged, “Hey, it’s okay, we’ll pass.” She smiled at her friends, “You guys should go get cleaned up anyway. Chad, I’m sure your coach has more than a few words to say about your complete inability to stay on your man,” her grin twisted into something more sinister.

The defender rolled his eyes and waved her off, “Yeah, yeah, twist the knife Hendrix.” He lumbered away.

Jason dropped a kiss on Alison’s cheek, “If you guys are going to be in town for a while I’d love to take you out to dinner? Catch up?”

“No thank you,” Alison shook her head and gave him a tense smile, “I think we’re just going to find a hotel and get some sleep.”

He socked Beth’s shoulder playfully, “Sleep, huh? I bet!”

Beth’s mouth opened, her jaw cocking to the side. She took a deep breath and clicked her tongue against her teeth, painted on a smile and nodded, returned his double thumbs-up. She held the pose as he backed a way a few paces and turned to jog off towards the tunnel, pulling his jersey over his head as he went. When he was some distance away she dropped her hands and her smile and sighed.

“You didn’t want to play with them,” Alison whispered in Beth’s ear.

She shook her head.

Alison smiled softly and tugged her forward, further onto the pitch, “They both played the whole game. They were so tired— you’d have kept up with them no problem.”

Beth shrugged and let herself be dragged all the way to the center circle where a ball lay forgotten. Alison swung their hands between them a few times before letting her go, standing solidly still and watching Beth with patient eyes. She met Alison’s gaze briefly and worried her lip between her teeth. Beth looked down to the ball at her feet and sighed, dropping her head back and staring up at the sky. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and drew in a deep breath, returning her gaze to the ball and hesitantly rolling it up onto the top of her foot, flicking it up in the air and letting it fall back down to the earth.

Alison smiled and jogged a few paces away before turning back to Beth and bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Take your time.”

Beth stepped forward rolling the ball up and around her calf with her opposite foot. It dropped to the grass at her side, not quite making it all the way around. She caught the inside of her cheek and twisted her lips, looking under her arm to find the ball mocking her from its spot in the grass. When she looked up again, Alison was standing right in front of her.

The shorter woman rested her hands on Beth’s shoulders, “Hey, Hot Shot, take it slow.”

“It’s pointless,” Beth huffed and snubbed her nose, “teaching kids is all I’m good for anymore.”

Alison smiled and shook her gently, “Beth, I know you. You just need to loosen up, look at how stiff you are! Forget all these people,” she flung an arm out to the fans still dotting the stands, the people milling about on the sidelines, “just be Beth and the ball. Let’s just be Beth and Alison and the ball.”

Beth took a deep breath and nodded, rolling the ball under her foot. She eyed it for a moment before kicking it and jogging along, pushing it forward as she moved. Her heart was beating fast enough to be uncomfortable but she worked to even out her breathing and push down the swelling _something_ in her chest. With each press forward she felt looser, her tunnel vision started to blur around the edges, easing as she moved with more confidence.

Nothing had changed— she didn’t notice Alison until the woman was right beside her. If she’d been a rival opponent Beth would be flat out on the ground and the ball would be halfway across the pitch before she even knew what was happening. She smiled to herself and shook her head, digging deeper, running faster. Alison kept up with no problem and Beth remembered a time when even fleet-footed Alison struggled to match pace with her. She grit her teeth and pulled up short, catching the ball with the outside of her foot and pushing it to her left, and then to the right with her instep, sending it rolling back the way they came. She pivoted around it and took off, leaving Alison behind while she slowed to a stop and twisted her neck to find Beth.

She could hear Alison laughing. She slowed to a trot and glanced over her shoulder, the shorter woman was walking to catch up. Beth smirked and stopped to wait. With her back to Alison she flicked the ball up in the air and caught it on her chest, letting it bounce to her knee and then the laces of her shoe as she kicked it up over her head, sending it sailing away behind her.

She stood still, unable to suppress the painfully wide smile that burned her cheeks. This time she felt Alison’s approach. The ball rolled past her and arms wrapped around her waist. Alison smiled into her shoulder. Beth lifted an arm and turned, letting it fall on the other side of the short woman’s body, joining her hands behind Alison’s back. Their foreheads knocked together and Alison, barely winded, whispered, “I told you.”

“No need to rub it in,” Beth panted, but she couldn’t help the easy laugh spilling out of her mouth on the back of each heaving breath.

Without warning Alison caught her behind the neck and dragged her into a deep kiss at center-pitch of Saputo Stadium.

***

The smaller woman had Beth’s face firm in her grasp, the fingers that made the leap over her ears were threaded with strands of her hair. Alison’s mouth was hungry as the elevator doors opened and Beth pushed her forward into the hall leading to their newly acquired room. Alison stumbled backward, weight balancing on her heels and teetering with each step. Beth kept her upright with a hand on the small of her back. She slipped two fingers into Alison’s back pocket and fished out their access card, pressing Alison against the heavy wood of the door while she fumbled with the key reader. The heel of Alison’s palm pressed down against the door knob and they crashed into the room.

“I love you,” Beth mumbled through kisses as she kicked the door shut behind her.

Alison moaned quietly, hands sliding down Beth’s neck to rest against her chest, “I love you too.”

Beth smiled, “I know you do.” She ran her hand along the wall and flipped on the light.

They took time to catch their breath and take in the room. “Nice place,” Alison nodded.

“It smells clean,” Beth snickered, “and look, there isn’t anything growing on the blanket.”

Alison smiled at her, darting between mouth and eyes, “This is way better.”

Beth grinned, nodding as she walked Alison backward toward the bed. They toppled onto their sides, bouncing against the mattress. Alison ran her fingers through Beth’s hair and met her halfway to gently press their lips together. “We should wash up,” Beth whispered, moving to stand.

Alison fisted her shirt and pulled her back down until she was nestled between peaked knees. “Or we could just lay here.”

Beth watched her mouth as it formed the words, smiling. “And get our dirty sweat all over these nice clean sheets?”

She laughed and shoved Beth away with the same fabric-filled hand that had pulled her close. Before Beth could get far, Alison bracketed her hips and urged her back down. She lifted her head, straining her neck upward and whispering, “It’s a hotel, I’m sure these sheets have seen worse.”

Beth kissed her, but her scrunching nose and spreading grimace tore them apart, “Ew.”

Alison’s face was contorted as well, “Yeah, that was gross.” She glanced down at the blankets and let Beth go, moving to sit up. “Move. Shower, shower, now.”

Beth got to her feet and stretched. Her walk to the bathroom was stopped by Alison’s hands at her waist, dragging her backward, “No, me first. I called it.”

She dropped back against Alison and grabbed her hands, pulling them around to rest on her stomach. “Alone?”

Alison groaned quietly into her shoulder and nodded as she rolled her hips forward against Beth’s ass, “Yes, alone, for sure.”

Beth chuckled and let her go, “I’m sorry,” she turned and kissed Alison slowly, gently nipping at her bottom lip until she pulled away, flustered and frantic.

“No you’re not, you jerk.” Alison’s eyelashes fluttered rapidly and she crossed her arms over her chest.

Beth smirked and sauntered back to the bed, flopping down and grabbing the remote off the nightstand. “Take your time, Ali,” she chuckled and turned on the television.

“I—“ the cords of Alison’s neck stood prominent, body stiff, her head twitching to the side, “I will.” She spun on her heel and marched into the bathroom.

Beth’s laughter only got louder with the slamming of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Friday, our adorable not-couple head home (finally).


	13. Chapter 13

Alison groaned, rolling over to hug her pillow under her head, her skin seemed flawless wrapped in the too-white hotel sheets. Beth couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and running fingers against the back of her arm— from elbow to ribcage. It had been another restless night, she lost count of the number of times she’d woken, the number of times she counted the familiar constellations of beauty marks on Alison’s body.

“Last night…” Alison mumbled sleepily into her pillow.

Beth rolled more fully onto her side and touched Alison with more firmness, resting a hand on her back, tracing the edge of her thumb absentmindedly around a single star— the left ankle of Andromeda, she’d decided around four in the morning. “Hmm?”

Alison chuckled and flipped over, pulling Beth close and rasping in her ear, “Last night was hot.”

Beth grinned into her neck, “Yeah, it was.” She sat up, crossing her legs and dropping her hands in her lap. “Sorry you had to…” she flung a hand over her shoulder toward the bathroom.

Alison shrugged, smiling up at her while she ran a hand up Beth’s thigh, tugging gently on the hem of the small shorts she’d slept in to even them out, “I don’t mind.”

“I know, I just…” she returned the shrug.

Alison lifted herself off the mattress enough to get her arms around Beth and pull her back down, “Don’t ever feel bad, Beth. I had a great time with you and then a great time with myself and then more nice times with you after. It was a perfect night.”

Beth smiled against Alison’s lips, “You can’t tell me it wouldn’t have been more perfect if I had…”

“It would have been a different kind of perfect— apples and oranges— you can’t compare the two.” She grabbed Beth’s hips firmly when the taller woman’s thigh slipped between her own, the pressure keeping distance between them as she choked out, “That doesn’t mean you get to tease. We have a long drive and I’m… sensitive when I wake up.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Beth chuckled, lifting her weight on her arms to put some space between their bodies. “That was an accident.”

“I’m sure it was,” Alison glared at her, craning her neck to click their lips together before shoving Beth to the side and kicking free of the blanket.

Beth flopped down and laughed, “I swear!”

Alison padded her way into the bathroom. Beth stared up at the ceiling, pristine save for the smudged carcass of a squashed bug— too small and out of reach to warrant housekeeping’s attention. She listened to the water run, the sound of Alison’s toothbrush knocking against the edge of the sink. “Do we really have to go back today? We could go to the Biodome or the Botanical Gardens?” Her voice echoed into the room, Beth sat up on her elbows and found Alison leaning against the doorway with a mouthful of toothpaste. “We could stay… Delphine isn’t expecting us back for a few days…” she drew out the thought through closed teeth, stretched the last words in a hopeful plea as she pointed her toothbrush in Beth’s direction.

Beth sighed, “I don’t know, Alison.”

The shorter woman gave her puppy-dog eyes and she dragged herself from the bed. She approached slowly with her body low, her shoulder against Alison’s solar plexus when she caught her around the middle and pushed her up the wall. Alison’s legs wrapped around her waist and Beth pinned her with her own body to keep her in place. Alison pressed herself into Beth’s stomach, letting out a content sigh, eyelids fluttering. “Sensitive,” she warned.

Her lips twisted into a smirk but she managed to hide it from view in the dip of Alison’s neck, “I’ll be careful.” She’d only just gotten started pressing happy kisses to the soft skin behind Alison’s jaw when she found a hand in her face, pushing her away.

“Beth! I’m serious!”

She chuckled, “What? I’m not allowed to kiss my girlfriend in the mornings?”

They both stopped suddenly, wide eyed and staring at each other. “Beth…”

“Sorry, I—“

“No, I mean—“

“Alison, I really—“

Hands caught Beth’s cheeks and Alison silenced her with a kiss. She looked into Beth’s eyes when she pulled away, “Don’t worry about it. It’s just a word. We were…that… to each other for a long time.” She laughed quietly and shrugged, dropping her head back against the wall and looking up at the ceiling, “I call you my girlfriend all the time.”

Beth’s eyebrows came together and she cocked her head to the side, “You do?” She eased back until Alison’s feet found the ground.

“Well, yeah. I’m sure half the team thinks we’re dating.” Another awkward laugh, the small woman flailed an exasperated hand. “It’s hard not to call you that when I still feel that way about you.”

Beth looked down at the carpet, flexed her toes against it. She was quiet when she responded, “Me too— I still feel that way about you too.”

Fingers slid through her hair, knuckles catching against knots twisted together during her tossing and turning, “I know you do.”

She sighed and dared to look back up into Alison’s face. She was wearing that deep expression, the one Beth didn’t have a name for, like every ounce of love on the planet was somewhere deep behind her eyes— like time slowed down for only them. “What are we going to do?”

Alison blinked and it was gone; her eyes were back to their bright shine and they slid down to Beth’s lips, she shrugged as she whispered, “Come back to Portland with me.”

For the first time in a long while she felt a pang of wanting, a fleeting thought that home was wherever Alison was, but she pushed it down and shook her head, “Delphine…Tony…”

Alison was nodding from the moment Beth opened her mouth, “I know. It was worth a try…” she smiled sadly, “it’s always worth a try.”

***

“Anything?”

Alison glanced down at the phone she’d snatched from Beth’s hand after the tenth time she’d torn her eyes from the road to look at the screen, “No.”

“She hasn’t texted me all day,” Beth mumbled, mostly to herself, though Alison hummed in acknowledgment.

“Maybe she’s busy.”

Beth worried her lip, “There is ‘good busy’ and ‘bad busy’.”

“It could be ‘good busy’,” Alison reached across the sweating water bottles taking up the cupholders between them to squeezed Beth’s knee as they exited Kingston. “You never know.”

“It’s Delphine, it could very well be ‘bad busy’.” Beth took a hand off the steering wheel to grip Alison’s. The shorter woman twisted her wrist until they were palm-to-palm and slid their fingers together. “She finds time to text when she’s ‘good busy’. Her schedule is always so crazy, I wish I knew if she was working today.”

Alison pulled their joined hands to her lips and pressed a kiss to Beth’s knuckles, “Didn’t she say she’d be working the whole time we were gone?”

Beth sighed, “Yeah… Still, she usually texts…”

“We’ll be home in two and half hours, Beth, try not to worry.” She returned their hands to Beth’s lap and tightened her hold, “I’m sure she’s fine.”

“We shouldn’t have gone…we should have just stayed and then she wouldn’t be alone.”

“Beth…” Alison pressed her elbow to the center console to give herself the leverage to shift her weight, brushing lips over Beth’s cheek, “stop. You’re driving yourself crazy.” She smiled, her eyes marking out the shape of Beth’s ear, “I’d rather you just drive the car.”

She earned a smile. Beth twisted her neck quickly, managing to peck their lips together before Alison had time to pull away. “You’re right,” she watched Alison settle back in her seat, “I’m sorry.”

“Eyes on the road, Hot Shot.” Alison smacked her stomach with the back of her hand and grabbed Beth’s again.

***

“Delphine?” Beth was nearing frantic when she rounded the corner into the blonde’s empty bedroom. Her keys were by the door, as was her purse, but the doctor was nowhere to be found. “Delphine?!”

Alison stood with a hip cocked in the middle of the living room, looking down at her cell phone, luggage at her feet.

Breathless Beth took unsteady steps back down the hall, pinning Alison with a glare, “What the fuck are you doing just standing there?!” Alison’s eyebrows quirked upward and she slowly dragged her gaze upward to look at her panicked ex. “We shouldn’t have left,” Beth growled and took threatening steps forward.

Alison’s phone buzzed audibly and she dropped her eyes back to the screen. She sucked on her teeth and lifted it to show Beth the text she’d just received from Delphine’s phone, ‘She fell asleep, we’re on the roof’.

Beth swallowed down the fear rocking her internal organs. She nodded in lieu of an apology and gestured weakly to the door. Alison pressed her lips in a tight line and patted her cheek, patronizing. Nodding, she spun on her heel and led the way out of the apartment.

The walk to the elevator was slow, Alison’s normally quick steps were replaced by a more reserved pace. The quiet between them was loaded. Beth sighed, Alison was patiently waiting for her apology and she knew it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but Alison seemed to accept that she wouldn’t get anything else from the other woman and sped up her movements.

Beth reached for Alison’s arm, clutching her elbow and pulling her back into their awkward lumber. “Delphine is just…”

“I know, Beth.” Alison spun towards her, stopping their progress to the elevator. “But I won’t be your emotional punching bag. Not ever.”

Beth nodded, “You’re right. I was out of line.”

Alison’s eyes took in her features leaving Beth as nothing more than an exposed nerve, poked at and pained. Satisfied with her sincerity, Alison put on a small smile, “She’s okay. She just fell asleep.”

Another nod, this one with a low-hanging head and a twisted grimace. A cool palm cupped Beth’s cheek and Alison’s lips grazed her cheekbone, both of their eyelashes fluttering at the contact. Alison linked their fingers together and gently urged Beth back into step.

“Who would she be hanging out with on the roof?”

“You know as much as I do.” Alison’s genuinely cheery tone made Beth’s insides rebel.

She let herself be tugged onto the elevator. Alison’s arms were a sweet weight draped over her shoulders and, by the time the doors gracefully slid shut, her mouth had found Beth’s. Eyes closed, the taller woman didn’t respond to the kiss, just let herself sink into the touch, let it calm her still hiccuping heartbeat.

The tips of Alison’s fingers pulled gently at the base of her ponytail when she freed it from the elastic. Alison took steps backward until, on tip toes, the hand railing was pressed to the small of her back. “I love you,” she hushed against lips until they parted— a secret password. “I know you were scared, but everything is fine.” Her tongue darted out and left its wetness against Beth’s skin. Alison’s hands abandoned her hair to grip her at the wrists, lifting limp arms from Beth’s sides and urging them around her waist.

Beth winced when she jammed her knuckles against the hand rail. She squeezed the flesh and muscle of Alison’s back through the fabric of her shirt. Alison smiled and nudged Beth’s nose with her own until the taller woman met her kiss. She pulled Alison’s bottom lip between her teeth and pressed her weight into her, pinning her against the wall.

They parted reluctantly with the ding of the elevator and the quiet whirring of the opening doors. Beth was surprised to find herself reaching for the button to shut them again. Fingers closed around her wrist to stop her and Alison urged her back until they were struggling to walk around each other’s steps out of the car. Alison’s quiet giggle brought a smile to Beth’s lips. Delphine was okay. Alison wasn’t angry with her. Things were good, she had to remind herself— it was too easy to forget. They shared a breath followed by another kiss, and Alison’s happy moan kept her in the present. Brushing tongues and batted eyelashes kept her grounded as they stumbled towards the stairwell that led to the roof.

“Delphine…” Beth mumbled as Alison’s teeth stung against her jawline.

“Right, right. Sorry.” Alison pulled back and took the steps two at a time— her short strides forcing her to hop up the steep concrete stairs on the balls of her feet.

She swung open the door and nearly ran into Tony who tripped backward over his own feet to avoid a collision. “Shit!” Alison grabbed his arms to stop him from falling, but his weight sent them teetering. Beth reached out and gripped Alison’s waist, her added muscle keeping everyone upright.

“Hello, Tony.” Alison smiled sheepishly and smoothed his shirt against his chest.

“Ali, Beth.” Tony gave a weak grin as he regained his composure, “You guys scared the shit out of me. I was just coming to find you.”

Beth looked past him, Delphine was swallowed in a thick sweater, curled up in one of the lawn chairs they kept tucked away behind an air conditioning unit when they weren’t using them. “What happened?”

Tony’s heavy brows rose with his shoulders, “Nothing. She’s alright. A little rough.” He smiled sadly. “I came to check on her, found her upset. We spent a few hours talking up here until she cried herself out. She crashed a while ago. She’ll be happy your home.”

Beth patted his chest, “Thank you, Tony.”

He smiled, “No problem, man. I’m wiped, gonna take the bus home.”

“No,” Beth shook her head, “stay, please. You can sleep on the couch.”

Alison nodded and wrapped her hands around one of his elbows, “Yes, stay. Come on, I’ll get you set up.”

Beth watched Alison lead him down the stairs. She shut the door when they hit the end of the flight, walked out towards the elevator, and shared a shaky sigh with herself— with the bags under her eyes reflected in the glass pane set into the door.

***

Beth woke to the sound of music. Dark eyes squinted into the crisp light streaming through the blinds. She roughed her face with both hands and grunted, rolling onto her back. There was a distinct and noticeable emptiness in the room. She glanced to her right and found only the blank gray wall. She shifted up onto her elbows, splaying her hand out over the rumpled, empty sheets beside her— they were cold. She flung her legs out from under the warm comforter with a groan and made her way out of her room without getting dressed, in just her pajama pants and a sports bra, shuffling her feet along the carpet.

Alison was in the kitchen, haloed by the early morning sunlight. One of Beth’s ratty old sweatshirts hung loosely over her frame, the stretched out neck of it exposing her collarbone and the tattooed skin of her left shoulder. Her hair was piled messily on the top of her head and her hips shook along with the music as she flipped an omelet into the air and caught it. She was humming along to the pop tune, spinning, skillet in hand, when her eyes landed on Beth. A smile broke over her face, “Good morning, Gorgeous.”

Beth grunted and flopped down on a bar stool in front of a set of silverware and a napkin, already waiting for her.

Alison slid the omelet onto a plate and rounded the bar. “I know— you’re still not a morning person,” she purred. She set down the plate, freeing her hands up to be occupied instead by Beth’s lips, her cheekbones, the ridge of her brow.

“And you’re still the devil,” Beth grumbled, but she pressed her face into Alison’s palms anyway.

“Waking up before noon doesn’t make you the devil, Beth.” She scraped the sleep from the other woman’s crusty eyes with her thumbnails.

“That’s exactly what the devil would say.” Beth dragged herself away from Alison’s hands, picking up the fork and cutting into her egg. “Do you have plans today? You’ve got to have something to do, or did you just come here to make out with your ex and cook breakfast?” She asked around a mouthful.

Alison responded with a chuckle, her head shaking. She turned back to the stove and cracked two more eggs into the pan. “I thought we could spend some more time together,” she glanced over her shoulder at Beth, “what do you think of that? I mean, that _is_ why I came.”

“Sounds good.” Beth swallowed, “Did you have anything specific in mind?”

Alison spun to face her, leaning back against the counter and crossing her arms. “We could go kick around. Like at the game?”

“That…that was a fluke, Alison. I don’t play anymore. You know that.” Beth shoved more omelet into her mouth, filling it to bursting.

Alison didn’t say anything, just watched her chew and swallow and fork food into her mouth again without looking up.

Tony wandered out of the bathroom. His long hair was dripping water onto the clothes he’d slept in. He grinned at them and slid onto a stool next to Beth. “You cooking, Ali?”

She smiled at him, “Are you hungry, Tony?”

“Hell yeah, girl, you know it!” He leaned back and patted his stomach.

“One omelet, coming right up!” Alison’s cheery tone was grating so early in the morning, Beth groaned quietly and buried herself deeper in her breakfast. “What are your plans today, Tony?” Alison cracked eggs in the pan, glanced over her shoulder.

He shrugged, “I don’t know. Don’t got much going on these days, you feel me? Not much work for out there for a felon.”

Alison nodded, watching the egg cook. “We could always help you find a job. It’ll be a lot easier to find one with a ride, the bus takes forever. Beth and I aren’t doing anything today.”

He looked to Beth and she shrugged, nodding, “Yeah, sure.”

“That’d actually be really cool. Thanks guys.”

***

Tony’s knuckles rapped against the driver’s side window, sending Beth and Alison jumping apart. He leaned down and grinned at them. Beth sighed but Alison smiled broadly and waved, reaching over Beth’s body to unlock the doors. He slid into the back, “Sorry for the taco-blocko, babes.”

Beth rolled her eyes, “There was no taco-blocko.”

He patted her shoulder, “A little bit of taco-blocko.”

“Tony!” Beth spun on him, “There was no taco, so there can be no blocko!”

Alison smiled back at him, forgiving, “How did it go?”

He shrugged, “Five applications down, one of these places has to hire me, right?”

“Right!” Ever-optimistic Alison was beaming.

Beth glanced back at him in the rear-view mirror, “Where to next?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a one-shot for this chapter, go check it out. On Tuesday: Kira and Helena get a wild idea, Sarah is a very tired mom, and Beth and Alison get Grey's Anatomy'd.


	14. Chapter 14

“I think yesterday went very well,” Alison nodded, straightened her ponytail, trying to divert Beth’s attention away from her cellphone. “Tony has a lot of prospects.”

Beth shrugged and dropped her phone— nothing from Delphine. Her body hunched forward over their shared table to snag a cherry tomato off the top of Alison’s salad. “Do you think any of those places will hire him?”

Alison blinked rapidly, confusion crossing her features, “Of course. Why not? A lot of places hire reformed criminals.”

The tomato burst between her teeth and juice spilled over her tongue, “Half of his convictions have been for theft,” she said over the rush of liquid, leaning back in her chair and throwing an arm over the back of it. “I just… I mean, I’ll be happy for him if he gets a job.”

Alison frowned, “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” She was quiet for a moment before she shifted uncomfortably and leaned forward, whispering conspiratorially, “What is he supposed to do if no one will hire him?”

Beth scoffed, “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Alison danced fingertips against the diner’s tabletop. “I mean, what do other people like him do when they get released from jail?”

Dark eyebrows rose, “Alison… they go back in.”

“What?”

Beth nudged her nearly empty basket of french fries aside and snatched a crouton from Alison’s plate, “They go back to jail. That’s the way it works.”

“That’s absurd.”

She stood and brushed the salt and crumbs from her lap. “Come on, let’s go. I want to check in on Delphine.”

Alison’s face screwed, “Already? You’ve been texting her all day. We’re having a nice time.”

Beth shrugged. She pushed a shred of fry from between her teeth with the tip of her tongue and tossed a few bills on the table. “It’s been hours, Ali. I just want to make sure she’s holding up alright.”

Alison huffed, but she followed without a fight. The bell above the door dinged as they walked out.

Beth continued, “They can’t get legal work, so they turn back to whatever it was that got them locked up in the first place. Tony’s been through it more than once. It’s not easy to stay on the straight-and-narrow.” She let out a sad chuckle, “Maybe that’s why they call it that… ‘the straight-and-narrow’… it’s such a narrow path that it’s too easy to step out of it.”

The shorter woman looped her arm through Beth’s as they made their way back to her rental car. “Do you think Tony can do it?”

Beth didn’t answer until they were in the air conditioning, with doors shut and seatbelts clicked— until Alison had the engine turned over and was looking at her, waiting for a response. She glanced over at the other woman, sighing and turning to look out the window. “Sure.”

Alison’s eyelashes fluttered and she put the car in drive.

***

They could hear the boisterous laughter coming from the apartment from halfway down the hall. Beth thumbed through her keys and glanced back at Alison with a questioning expression. Alison shrugged and gestured for her to open the door.

It swung open to reveal Delphine and Sarah, crosslegged on opposite ends of the couch. There was a cartoon on the television, but Kira and Helena were wrestling on the floor. “Be gentle with your aunt, Kira.” Sarah said, watching them in her peripheral vision. The little girl was upside down on Helena’s back, her head propped up on Helena’s butt, her legs bent over the blonde’s shoulders; she stopped kicking her legs and let her toes brush the ground.

Helena pressed her palms flat to the carpet and did a quick series of push-ups that bounced Kira dramatically until she flipped heels over head and landed in a heap on the floor— all ankles and curls.

Alison smiled and squeezed Beth’s arm, mouthing, ‘See? She’s fine.’ before hopping into the fray.

Beth walked slowly to the couch, leaning her hips to the back of it and digging her fingers into the cushion. “What’s up, guys?”

Delphine smiled up at her and shrugged— there was something off, but Beth didn’t want to press in front of everyone. She tried to push down the uneasy feeling. Delphine’s smile didn’t quite reach her sad eyes.

Sarah tore herself away from watching Alison and Helena team up on Kira to respond with a grunt, “We didn’t have anything going on, thought we’d come over for a bit.” She smiled at the pile of limbs tangled together on the floor, “Kira wanted to know a bit more about soccer, I couldn’t think of better people for her to talk to.”

Alison perked up at the news and scooped Kira into her arms, resting the girl on her lap, “You want to play soccer?”

Kira smiled, teased, “Maaaaaybe.”

“Maaaaaybe?” Alison parroted, crossing her eyes and sticking her tongue out. Kira giggled. Alison righted her face and said seriously, “I think you’d like it.”

Helena’s mouth was wide open, teeth peeking past her lips, “Kira likes everything with running. Yes, little мавпочка?”

Kira nodded, “Yes.”

“Well, there is a lot of running in soccer.” Beth watched them quietly, her words were meant to distract from the stretching fingers of her left hand, reaching for Delphine’s shoulder. She tugged the fabric of the blonde’s shirt between her index and middle finger. When Delphine looked up, Beth pinned her with a serious look.

Delphine’s tongue darted out to wet her lips, lids shuttering over her hazel eyes. She tried smiling again, this time not bothering to hide the effort it took— the others were distracted, in that moment it was only her and Beth.

Alison discreetly watched them, speaking up to catch Beth’s attention, though not directing her words at the taller woman, “What do you think about heading out to the park and kicking around, Kira? We’ll see what kind of skills you’ve got.”

“What?” Beth jerked her head up to make eye contact with Alison, her questioning fingers slipping back into a fist, she rolled her wrist, knowing she’d been caught.

Perfectly manicured brows twitched upward, “Kick around. With Kira.”

Beth swallowed and nodded, “Yeah, sure,” she grinned sheepishly. Teaching kids was something she could do. “Do you mind, Sare?”

Sarah shook her head, shrugging, “Nah, not at all, go ahead. Run her until she falls asleep, please.”

Alison finally took her firm gaze off of Beth, smiling at Kira and squeezing her in a hug, “Aww, are you difficult for your mom at bedtime?”

Kira rolled her eyes, “Noooo.”

“Yessss.” Sarah spoke over her. Helena laughed and nodded along. Sarah shot her sister a glare, “Oh you shut it, Meathead. You’re no better,” she grumbled, “damn near thirty years old, an’ you’re worse than my kid.” She threw her hands in the air, “Get in the bed, close your eyes, fall asleep— it’s not that hard!”

Alison and Helena stood at the same time, the blonde throwing Kira over her shoulder, and they marched in line towards the door. Alison leaned in to Beth’s shoulder as they passed, reaching up to lovingly stroke her jaw, “Stop standing around and go grab a ball, Hot Shot, we’ve got impressionable youth to convert.”

***

Delphine’s building was one of three that surrounded a large park, ringed by a track. It was a spot of green taking up a whole square block in the otherwise dense concrete landscape of downtown Toronto. Beth had thought, upon moving in, that she’d spend most of her time running the track. However, the repetition of scenery— passing by the same trees, the same woman reading on a park bench, the same kid feeding pigeons over and over— lost its appeal quickly.

Kira was already running, she’d broken away from Alison’s hold the moment they finished crossing the small through street that butted up to the buildings (and it’d been work to keep her in hand that long). Helena tore off after her.

“Just watching them is exhausting.” Beth muttered, tossing the ball up and kicking it up off the top of her foot, taking slow steps forward with each bounce.

Alison smiled wistfully, “I don’t even think I could keep up with them.”

Beth snorted, “Imagine Helena on the pitch.”

“Oh God,” Alison cringed, “I would not want to go up against her.”

A smirk flashed across Beth’s face, “You’re about to have to.” She ran forward, kneeing the ball to the ground and racing along with it. She shouted, “Me and Helena versus Kira and Ali!”

“But I don’t know how to play!” Kira giggled, she ran for the ball with enthusiasm anyway— it was big for her, heavy, and it went spinning off her foot at a sharp angle.

Alison jogged for it and turned around, dribbling it back while Beth tried to steal it away. She managed to keep control of it, passing to Kira. “You’ll pick it up fast.”

Little Kira was too small and flighty for Helena to mark so the twin just picked her up and snatched the ball away, setting her back down and running off with the ball at her feet. Kira yelled about the injustice and went after her.

It only took an hour for Kira to figure out the footwork necessary to control the ball while in motion, she managed to adjust to it’s size and weight quickly. It also only took an hour for the exhaustion to set in over Beth’s out-of-practice body. Alison pulled up to a stop next to her, patting Beth’s bowed back. She poked fun as she caught her breath, “Are you alive? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

Beth groaned and let go of her knees, holding her hands out to catch herself as she dropped down into the grass and rolled onto her back. “I can’t do it. I can’t. Go on without me!” She yelled when Kira leaned over her, her little face taking up Beth’s vision. The girl was barely winded.

It seemed as good a time as any to take a break, and they all soon joined Beth on the ground. Kira and Helena lay on their stomachs, foreheads touching and feet kicking the air. Their voices were low and private as Helena taught her niece how to braid strands of grass with tiny flower stems. Alison sat crosslegged and urged Beth’s head into her lap.

“That was fun,” Alison smiled, her aching lungs slowly recovering, “quite the workout.”

Beth groaned, “You’re telling me.”

Alison dipped her head to press their lips together, her nose brushing the underside of Beth’s chin. Beth chuckled quietly and fought against her need for air to deepen the kiss. Alison played along for a bit, her lips parting, a breath exchanged between them, before she pulled back. She massaged Beth’s shoulders expertly and tutted at Beth’s whine. “You’re going to pass out from oxygen deprivation. You can kiss me when we get back inside.”

Beth rolled her eyes and tilted her hips to dig in her pocket for her phone, lighting up the screen.

“What are you doing?” Alison hummed.

“Seeing if Delphine texted,” Beth grumbled, flashing Alison the phone, “no luck.”

The upright woman’s brow furrowed and she shoved Beth’s hand, and the phone, gently toward the ground, “She’s right upstairs.”

Beth twisted her hand away and glanced up at her, “Yeah, but…” Alison couldn’t understand, Beth sighed and shook her head. “Forget it.”

Alison pursed her lips and leaned back, holding herself up with elbows locked and palms pressed to the sun-warmed grass.

***

“You stay right there with that.” Sarah pointed at Kira, who was angling to slide off the bar stool she was sitting on with a cup held in both hands.

Kira frowned, “I’m not five Mum, I’m not going to spill.”

Sarah’s eyes widened, “Hey, do what you’re told, yeah?” She turned to Alison, “I don’t know where she gets that attitude.”

Beth grinned, “I have an idea.”

The punk glared at her, but before she could return the jab she caught sight of Helena out of the corner of her eye; her sister was also slipping off her stool with a cup clutched between her palms. “Oi, you too,” she pointed, “stay at the table. This isn’t S’s house, these carpets are nice.”

Delphine smiled, “It’s okay, really. They can come sit with us.”

Sarah snorted, “You don’t live with ‘em. They’ll spill all over the place.” She looked back at her charges, “I mean it, keep your cups in the kitchen.” But Helena and Kira were already occupied with their lunches, the blonde sticking her food-covered tongue out at the little girl. Sarah watched them for a moment before sighing and turning her attention back to the circle of women— she and Delphine on the couch, Beth and Alison occupying the far corners of the coffee table, crosslegged on the floor with sandwiches loaded up on paper plates.

“She’s just like you,” Delphine said, her gaze turning away from Kira.

Sarah ducked her head, “Nah, don’t say that.”

The shame in her voice was evident. Beth was quick to speak around a mouthful of food, “That’s not a bad thing, Sarah.”

“No!” Delphine rest a reassuring hand on Sarah’s forearm, “No, not at all.”

The punk mulled over her emotions quietly for a moment, finally deciding to confide in them, “I don’t want her to turn out like me.”

“You had a rough life before Mrs. S took you in, Sarah. Kira doesn’t have that.” Beth said before swallowing a thick lump of food.

Delphine nodded, “Oui, you never knew your parents. Your life was an uphill battle until you were her age.”

Beth smirked, “That’s why you keep that oaf, Cal, around, right?” When Sarah’s shocked eyes jerked up to meet hers, Beth backpedaled, splaying her hands out in apology, “Hey, I was just joking. We all know you love him.”

“Yeah, right, right…” Sarah shook her head clear, missing the knowing look that passed between Alison and Beth.

Alison’s voice was small when she spoke, “Have you seen Rachel?”

“Rachel?” Delphine’s confused expression moved between the three of them.

Beth cleared her throat and stepped in, “Sarah, Kira took pretty well to soccer. She’s a natural.”

The punk spent the better part of a beat recovering, glancing over the back of the couch at her daughter to hide the momentary stumble, “Uh, great, that’s great.” She blew out a chuckle, “She’s a natural at a lot of things, that one.”

Alison had her bottom lip tight between her teeth; she released it and sucked the sharpness away. “How interested are you in getting her involved in sports?”

Sarah shrugged, “I don’t know, that’s Cal’s thing. It’s good for them, they—“

“—they bond, yeah. That’s good.” Beth interrupted.

“Yeah…” Sarah smoothed her eyebrows and gripped her chin, resting her elbow on a knee. “If she wants to play, I’m sure we can work something out. Cal’s kind of got his heart set on hockey, but—“

“I love hockey!” Kira hopped off the stool, brushing the crumbs off of her shirt as she bounced over.

Sarah smiled, “I know you do, Monkey.” She ruffled the girl’s curls and cupped her head, pulling her close to the back of the couch, stretching over to press a kiss to her forehead.

“But I like soccer too.”

“You’ve hardly played.” Sarah said, her eyes and voice soft, a finger gliding between Kira’s brows and down the bridge of her nose.

“I like soccer also.” Helena still had a mouthful of food, but her plate was clean and she was spinning towards them, dropping her feet from the bottom rung of the bar stool to the floor.

Sarah snorted, “Yeah, well, I think you’re a bit old to play with the kids, Meathead.”

Helena frowned, “But I want to play.”

Beth leaned back and uncrossed her legs, stretching them out and rubbing her thighs to get her circulation going again. “I don’t know of any adult starter-leagues,” she looked to Alison, “do you?”

The short woman shook her head, scooting closer and massaging one of Beth’s calves, “No, I don’t think they have anything like that.” She turned sorry eyes to Helena, “But I’m sure you could find a pick-up league.”

Helena seemed disappointed. Beth smiled at her, “Hey, don’t worry, you’re fast and damn scary when you’re coming at someone. A lot of teams would be happy to have you.”

She perked up at the praise, “Do you think so?”

“Absolutely,” Alison smiled.

Sarah nodded, “Well, there ya go.”

Helena grabbed Kira around the middle and swung her into the air, “Kira will be on my team!”

Sarah tutted her tongue at everyone’s smiles, “Don’t encourage them.” She swatted at Kira’s kicking legs, “Put her down, ‘Lena. Let’s get out of here.”

“Awww, Mum!” Kira whined when her feet found the floor. “We’re having fun!”

Delphine pouted as well, “Yes, please, you’re welcome to stay. We could go see a movie, or…?” She looked around at Beth and Alison who shrugged and nodded.

“Nahh, no. We gotta get home to your Dad,” she said to Kira, rolling her eyes and ignoring the protesting groans from her daughter and sister.

“Muuuummm!” “Sestraaaaa!”

“Oi! Get your shoes on before I throttle the both of ya!”

Beth stood up, shaking her legs out and waving Alison up off the floor. “We’ll walk you guys out.” When Delphine moved to stand, Beth put a hand on her shoulder, “You make yourself some lunch,” she bent low and kissed the blonde’s cheek, “I know for a fact you haven’t eaten today.”

Delphine’s face scrunched up and she poked her tongue out, “Occupe-toi de tes affaires.”

“Tes affaires sont mes affaires.” Beth winked and flashed a grin. “We’ll be right back.”

Helena carried Kira on her shoulders, bending her knees so the little girl didn’t smack her head on the doorframe on their way out. Sarah held Kira’s shoes in one hand and waved to Delphine with the other, “Thanks for letting us hang out, Delphine.”

“Yes, no problem,” the blonde smiled and waved. “Have a good rest of your day.”

Alison shut the door behind them.

Sarah pointed down the hall, but Helena was already well on her way. “We get to go on the elevator!” The blonde cheered.

“Just once this time,” Sarah grumbled, “we’re not going up and down a million times again.”

More protesting. More eye rolling.

Beth nudged Sarah, “You’re going to go crosseyed if you keep doing that. Lighten up. You’re no fun anymore.”

The punk gave her an exasperated look. Alison cut off the rant that was coming— “Beth, I’m sure we can’t possibly comprehend how difficult mothering is.” She cocked her head and reached out to grip Sarah’s wrist, giving her a sincere look, “And I shouldn’t have brought up Rachel in front of Delphine… I didn’t realize she didn’t know.”

“I’d never tell anyone, not even Delphine,” Beth swore, “I promise.”

“Yeah, that’s appreciated,” Sarah grumbled, using the hand that Alison didn’t have captured to rub the back of her neck.

The short woman waited for her to continue while they called the elevator. When the doors slid open she pressed, “So…have you seen her?”

Sarah shrugged and avoided eye contact, “Yeah, I saw her.” She shoved Helena forward gently— as excited as the blonde was, she was hesitant to step over the thin gap between the floor and the metal edge of the car.

Beth and Alison shared a look. “And…?” Beth led.

“And what? Nothing,” another shrug, “I saw her and that was it.”

Alison frowned, watching Helena crouch down and mumbling ‘number two’ so Kira could push the button for the second level of the underground. “Not a happy reunion then?”

“Why are we talking about this?” Sarah asked, clearly done with the line of questioning.

Beth snorted, “It’s not like you have anyone else to talk to about it.”

“Yeah!” Sarah hissed, “And I’d rather not, so can we drop it, please?”

Alison crossed her arms over her chest and muttered, “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.” The period marking the end of the conversation was loud and clear.

The ride was quiet. Helena and Kira were momentarily hushed— in awe, feeling the car’s descent. When they came to a halt Helena looked up at Kira and the little girl slapped her hands against the blonde’s cheeks. They shared wide eyes and big smiles.

“Again!” They shouted in unison.

Sarah groaned and pressed her palm to her forehead. “No.”

Alison pushed the button to close the doors before they finished opening, then the one for the top floor. She smiled innocently at Sarah. “We’re going to talk about this.”

“Bloody hell. You’re trapping me on this elevator?”

Beth smirked and leaned her shoulder into Alison’s, crossing her arms, “That’s right.”

The punk huffed and threw her arms out to her sides, “You’re joking me. It’s Bad Cop Bad Cop then, is it?”

“Absolutely.” Alison’s sweet smile didn’t budge an inch.

Sarah stood in silent protest until the car stopped at the top of the shaft. She sighed and gestured for Kira to push the correct button. When the car jerked into motion again she looked between Beth and Alison and shook her head, “Not in front of my kid.”

***

Beth spoke low, pulling Alison closer with fingers hooked in her belt loops, “Are you sure should we should be pushing her to talk about this?”

Alison molded their bodies together, looking over Beth’s shoulder at Helena hovering while Sarah buckled Kira into her booster seat. “Yes.” She pressed a soft kiss to Beth’s ear and whispered, “She wants to talk about it, we just have to get past that resistance.”

Beth rolled her eyes, nuzzling Alison’s cheek, “If there’s resistance it’s probably because she _doesn’t_ want to talk about it.”

Alison pulled back enough to pinch Beth’s chin between her fingers, “She’s just like you— resistance just means there is something juicy worth talking about underneath.”

“Alison. That is _not_ what resistance means.”

The small woman nudged her, hissing, “She’s done. Let’s go.”

Beth turned to find Helena rounding the car to get into the passenger’s seat. She leaned close to Alison’s ear, mumbled, “You’re like a dog with a fucking bone.”

Sarah pinned them with a wary look, leaned her hips back against the truck and slapped her hands down against her thighs in defeat. “So?”

“So?” Alison tilted her head to the side, her tone soft and welcoming, “You saw Rachel?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“How did it go?”— gentle coaxing.

Sarah’s brows hiked up on her forehead, “Like shite. How do you think it went?”

Alison gave an apologetic frown, “What happened?”

“We talked.”

Beth couldn’t take it anymore, gripping Alison’s arm in an attempt to rein her in, “I’m sorry, Sarah.”

Alison pushed her hand away and took a step closer to Sarah, “What did you talk about?”

Beth bit her cheek and opened her mouth to speak, but Sarah cut her off before she had a chance—

“Kira.” There was silence for a few beats and Sarah elaborated, her body going slack, “I told her about Kira…and Cal. I thought she should know… I’m not sure why.”

Alison nodded, as if she already knew, as if she’d only been seeking confirmation, “How did she react?”

Sarah shrugged and rolled her eyes, “I don’t know, she was mad I guess.”

“Why do you think she was mad?”

“ ‘Cause she seemed mad?” Sarah said, derisive.

The short woman sighed and gestured for more, “What did she say?”

Sarah licked her lips and looked away, focusing on a random car in the distance, “I don’t remember. I was preoccupied, okay?”

Beth’s brows came together, dark eyes squinting, “Preoccupied?”

“We kissed, alright?!” The punk threw her hands up, “We kissed and I got fucking distracted and I don’t remember what she said, but I remember she was pissed.”

Alison smiled, clearly satisfied that they’d gotten to the crux of the matter. “Well, that’s good, right?” She looked back and forth between them, hands out, palms up, elbows tucked into her sides.

Beth sighed and ran a hand down her face, groaning, “Alison…”

“No, it’s good!” She continued, “She wouldn’t have kissed you if she didn’t have feelings for you.”

Sarah looked like she was approaching eruption. Beth hissed, “That is not a good thing, Ali.”

The other woman seemed confused, “Why not? I thought that was the whole point?”

Beth’s jaw flexed and she offered Sarah a conciliatory glance before turning fully on Alison, “Because she has Cal and Kira to worry about, Alison. You’re always so sure that romantic feelings should be acted on— regardless of what is best for everyone involved.” Her voice grew harder, lower, harsher, “Love isn’t everything, Alison. People can’t live on stupid fucking _love_. People have _responsibilities_.”

“Do not _even_ start with me, Elizabeth. This is about Sarah and Rachel.” Alison had a hand up, was hissing at her, “If two people have feelings for each other, they should _explore those feelings_.”

Sarah’s rusty eyes were darting back and forth between the two women, both of whom had nearly forgotten she was there, just devolved into shouting in the other’s face.

Beth was growling, “They _did_ explore their feelings— all through high school. Did you forget? Things didn’t work out. Things _don’t always work out_.”

“Kira is a happy, healthy, well adjusted child.” Alison’s finger jabbed sharply into Beth’s sternum, “Sarah could very easily explore a relationship with Rachel. I think we all know that Kira would handle it _very well_.”

Sarah rolled her eyes and opened the door of her truck, sliding into the driver’s seat and shutting it behind her without Beth or Alison stopping their ranting.

Helena looked past her sister at them, “What is that?”

“Nothing new— just normal Beth and Alison bullshite.” Sarah scoffed and turned over the engine, “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Friday, Alison learns the truth about something Beth's been sweeping under the rug, we get to the point of all the aggressive making out thats been going on (I promise that's been a plot point, not just for funzies), and SoccerPuppyCop has a nice, playful breather (which, I think we can all agree, is something they could really use at this point).


	15. Chapter 15

A week passed; late nights of slowly moving over each other, whispering about love between gently laid kisses inevitably dissolving into some bickered fight or another in the light of day. They usually argued about Delphine’s instability, sometimes Tony’s dwindling prospects, about personal responsibilities, but always, always about _them_ — about expectations and what would happen after Alison’s plane took off. Beth didn’t want to fight, neither of them did, but emotions were high, tears fell and voices shook. She wanted nothing more than to give in, to take up Alison’s offer of moving to the states. Every night she swore to herself that she would, but every morning brought Delphine’s pained eyes and hollow words, or a text from Tony saying he’d been turned down by _another_ company.

Alison was full of sleep-quieted mumblings that were drenched in emotion they only allowed themselves to feel in the blackness of Beth’s bedroom. Beth slid her eyes shut against the sound and stitched their bodies together until they were completely flush. Fingertips trailed over her shoulder blade, feeling the uneven skin, raised with ink from Tony’s heavy hand. Lips hummed against her collarbone, Alison’s warm breath making Beth sigh contentedly, her hands coming up to run through hair that was so rarely free of a ponytail.

“The reunion is tomorrow…” Alison pressed kisses to her throat, whispering, “I’ll have to leave in a few weeks.”

Beth shook her head, “Wait for the morning.” They had an agreement— they never talked about the future until the sun rose.

They heard the key in the lock. “Delphine is home,” Alison murmured. She shifted back, giving Beth space to climb out of bed. “She’s in early, isn’t she?”

She thought for a moment before shaking her head, she didn’t want to leave this place where the warmth of their bare torsos was trapped under the blanket. “She’s okay, she’s okay.” Beth used the added room to hoist her body over Alison’s. Their legs tangled together, the thick cotton of Alison’s pajama pants was so soft, shifting against Beth’s thighs where her shorts stopped and skin began. The sole of Alison’s foot slid up to rest against Beth’s ankle.

Alison giggled, exhausted, “Stop flinching, you’re so warm.”

“You and your cold ass feet,” Beth kicked the offending appendage away. “And your hands!” Icy fingers tickled against her ribs, she slapped them, squirming.

Light laugher grew louder as the battle raged on between Alison’s poor circulation and Beth’s constant radiating heat. They stopped suddenly when a thud echoed in from the living room. “What was that?” Alison whispered.

Nothing but silence followed for several beats. Beth didn’t wait to find out, vaulting off of the bed and grabbing a shirt. “It’s Delphine. Stay here.”

She shut the door behind her and pulled her hair from the collar of her shirt, walking slowly until she was peeking around the corner with a palm flat against the wall. She found the source of the noise immediately, Delphine was on a heap in the floor, her keys fisted in her lap and the contents of her purse splayed out in a mess around her. She was banging her head gently back against the door, muttering to herself in French.

Beth swallowed tightly— they’d made it so long without an episode. She moved into the living room working to keep her steps light and her voice soothing, “Dure journée?”

Delphine’s eyes snapped open, taking in Beth’s amorphous shape walking closer. The tension in her shoulders eased a bit. Beth’s eyes were acclimated to the dark and she could nearly make out tears starting to slide down the slopes of Delphine’s reddened cheeks. “J'ai perdu un patient.”

Beth let out a breath and dropped into a crouch in front of the doctor, “I’m sorry.” She was quiet for a moment before speaking, despite knowing it was better to let the subject drop, “You lose patients all the time, Delphine— it’s part of the job.” She regretted the words before she’d even said them, mentally berating herself. When would she learn to just shut her mouth?

“He was just a boy…” she banged her head harder, the impact shaking the wall.

Beth leaned forward quickly and caught her balance against the door with one hand and the back of Delphine’s skull with the other. Her arms caged the blonde in. “Hey, hey. Arrêtes ça.” She grimaced when her knuckles crunched between the wood and the blonde’s head. “Goddamnit, Delphine, arrêtez!”

“Beth?” Alison’s voice was small.

She looked over her shoulder and found the woman with her arms crossed over her chest at the mouth of the hallway. “Go back to bed,” Beth was firm, “right now.” Her eyes turned back to Delphine, sliding hands down her neck and across her shoulders, forcing her to lean forward a few inches away from the door. She softened her tone, whispering just loud enough to be heard over Delphine’s sniffling, “You’re going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.”

Alison was shifting her weight from foot to foot, craning her neck to get a better look but staying at a respectable distance, “Beth…”

“Now, Alison!” She spat angrily, throwing the words over her shoulder with violent force.

Beth ran her hands down Delphine’s arms. The tall woman had given up on slamming her head back and was just rocking forward, curling in on herself over and over again, sobbing silently.

“Yes, Elizabeth, because yelling is really helping,” Alison walked closer, her tired feet shuffling against the carpet.

Beth ground her teeth together, “Alison, I swear to God, if you don’t get the fuck back in the bedroom—“

“Oh please, you’ll what?” The short woman dropped to her knees at their side, sloughing Beth’s grip from Delphine’s wrists and replacing the tight hold with the soft pressure of her fingertips. She gentled her voice, cooing quietly, “Hey sweetie. What’s going on?”

Beth thrust her fists down, holding her weight up with them pressed to the carpet. “She lost a patient.”

Stern eyes turned on her, “I didn’t ask you.” She gestured to the light-switch with her chin, “Make yourself useful and turn the light on—” Alison gently pried Delphine’s keys from her fist and tutted as she looked down at the blood they’d drawn from her palm. “—And bring me the first aid kit.”

***

Alison moved from the kitchen to the glass door that led out to the balcony, twisting the blinds and sliding them open, allowing the natural light to flood the apartment. They hadn’t slept. Alison managed to put Delphine to bed after an hour of whispered words between them. Beth had watched, fuming and hurriedly wiping away tears from a stool at the bar.

She hadn’t budged from the spot— even as Alison shut the door to Delphine’s bedroom, brushing the night’s drama from her hands; even as the sun peeked through the blinds, now open. And Alison had left her alone for the most part, keeping busy by somehow finding things to clean in the spotless landscape of Delphine’s apartment.

But soon there was nothing left— she’d dusted, sprayed, wiped, vacuumed, adjusted, folded, and dusted again until there was nothing more to be done. She let out a gust of air and finally let her eyes fall on Beth.

With the morning light streaming in there was no unspoken rule to hide behind. Beth looked at Alison over her shoulder and waited.

“We need to talk.”

Beth spun her stool to face the shorter woman, arms crossed and standing like a statue in the living room. She caught the inside of her cheek and gave a short nod, “Go ahead then.”

Alison’s lashes beat quick and steady, _flit flit flit- pause -flit flit flit- pause- flit flit flit_. She slipped a hand free from under her arm and used it to point an accusing finger around her body towards Delphine’s bedroom, “This is worse than I thought.”

Beth sighed and leaned back against the edge of the bar, her hands resting in her lap. “I know.”

“You didn’t tell me it was this bad. How often does this happen?”

She shrugged, partially out of a lack of desire to admit the frequency and partially because there was never a set amount of time between meltdowns. “When she gets triggered.”

Alison pressed fingertips to her forehead, “You can’t handle this alone.”

The urge to fight was nonexistent, lost somewhere in her exhaustion, in the utter defeat she’d faced at Alison’s clearly superior care of broken Delphine. “I’ve kept her alive this long…”

“That’s not what I meant, I meant you _shouldn’t have to_ handle this alone.” Alison shook her head, took slow steps toward Beth. “I know you’re putting everything you have into this, Beth, but she needs more.”

Beth shifted in her seat, body tensing, “If you tell me to lock her up again—“

“Not lock her up.” Alison sighed, exasperated, “In-patient care is not ‘locking up’.”

Beth’s head dropped to the side and she pinned the advancing woman with sharp eyes, “What would you call taking her somewhere where they won’t let her leave? I’d call that being locked up. I think Tony would agree.”

“It’s not prison, Beth. They can help her, teach her coping mechanisms.”

She scoffed, shook her head, “We’re not talking about this.”

“You’re tired.”

“Of course I’m tired, Alison, we didn’t get any sleep.” Beth spun away from her and rested her weight on her elbows, head in her hands.

Alison rounded to the other side of the bar. Her forearms falling on the granite counter that butted up against the bar, nearly half a foot shorter, and her balled fists came to rest against the front of the taller surface. “Don’t, Beth. You’re _exhausted_ trying to face this on your own.”

Beth let her arms drop forward, fingers reaching over the edge to brush Alison’s hands. “Please stop. I know you think you have this figured out, but trust that I know what’s best for her.” Alison looked about to speak, but Beth cut her off, “— I don’t want some strangers looking after her. She knows me, she trusts me. Those people don’t understand her like I do. I know every piece of her. I know where all of the broken slivers of her belong. I can put her back together, Alison, I know it.”

Alison took in Beth’s pleading features for several beats before rounding the bar, nestling herself between Beth’s knees and smoothing her eyebrows with the pads of her thumbs. “We’re going to talk about this later.”

Beth sighed, but accepted the momentary reprieve. “Kiss me?”

“Always,” Alison whispered, and she laid a gentle touch to Beth’s waiting lips.

***

Beth stirred under Alison’s weight, all heavy muscle relaxed with sleep. One of the support bars of the couch was digging into her hip, had been for who knows how long. She flung an arm out to scrabble for her phone against the coffee table. Groaning, she pulled it closer and illuminated the screen. _Three hours_.

That seemed about right, judging from the cold permeation of drool through the shoulder of her shirt. She bucked up into Alison and grunted, “Hey.” Alison never fared well after a night awake. Asleep early, awake early— any deviation left her unmanageable. “Alison.” Another pump of her hips, a shove to the sleeping woman’s shoulder.

“Whaaaat?” Alison grumbled into her collarbone, wiping the stickiness from the corners of her mouth off on Beth’s shirt as the pinned woman strained to get her body close enough to soften the blow of her phone clattering onto the table.

Beth settled back down and chuckled, pressed her chin to her chest to get a better angle on Alison’s bemoaned squirming. She brushed ruffled bangs aside with affection, “We need to get up.”

“No we don’t.” Alison sighed and blindly lifted a hand, letting it fall flat against Beth’s face, “Just close your eyes.”

Beth delighted in the role-reversal. It was refreshing to see Alison so cranky at being forced from sleep— revenge for the innumerable days of the smaller woman shaking her awake with the sun rise.

She curled upward with as much core strength as she could muster, managing to get her lips close to Alison’s ear, “Do you really want to be late to the reunion?”

An eye cracked open, “The reunion?”

Beth chuckled, “Did you forget?”

“No…” Alison groused, burying her face in the crease of Beth’s neck, “Can’t we just…” she shifted slightly against one of Beth’s thighs, pressing her hips down until a small sigh slipped past her lips.

Beth watched her with a warm smile, tracing Alison’s face with her fingertips. “I think you’re barking up the wrong tree,” she said, but she didn’t pull away when Alison rocked against her again.

Alison groaned, “I know, I know.” Alison knew, certainly, but her body often forgot. She struggled to get her arms under her.

Beth held onto her hips and kissed her ear, “Hey, it’s okay, go ahead. We’ve got some time to kill.”

“If we had time to kill why did you wake me up in the first place?” Alison huffed, but her annoyance didn’t stop her from rolling herself firmly into Beth’s thigh.

She watched Alison move, smiling, and shrugged, “What’s a few minutes anyway?”

Alison’s forehead dropped down onto Beth’s shoulder, “This is a bad idea.” A noise caught in her throat and her eyes slid closed.

“Says who?” Beth was painfully aware that they’d had this conversation before— about half a million times. They had every single conversation half a million times— Delphine, Tony, moving to Portland, the accident— but for all their rehashing, they never seemed to reach an understanding on any of topic. “You want me to be more involved, but you don’t want me to be more involved,” she ran the course the talk usually went through, “—take your pick, Alison. What do you want from me?” She tensed the muscles in her thigh and pressed upward, smiling at the whimper Alison failed to bite back.

Hands quickly found their way between their bodies, pushing against Beth’s leg, “Stop, stop it.” Alison’s words were crystal clear, but her hips incessant thrusting muddied the waters. “Just, stop it, Beth.” Another shove and Beth let her limb drop flat against the couch.

“Suit yourself.”

Alison dropped bonelessly over her. The whine she was letting loose into Beth’s chest turned to a frustrated growl.

Beth chuckled, “Oh hush, I told you it was fine, you have no reason to pout.” Her voiced kicked up into an imitation of Alison’s, chirping, “Consent, consent, consent.”

The smaller woman’s head jerked up and she pinned Beth with a look, “Consent goes both ways, Beth. Just because you’re okay with it doesn’t mean I am.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re okay with it,” Beth slid her hands against Alison’s ass, over muscles that were still twitching with the need to ride her until the throbbing eased.

Alison’s eyes were shut tight but the rest of her body melted and she kissed Beth’s cheek, “My body is okay with it, but my body is gets stupid when it gets horny, ignore it.”

“I think your body is cute.” Beth turned her head and whispered into Alison’s lips, “I don’t mind.”

“I can satisfy myself _by myself_. You don’t need to be present.” Alison finally pushed herself up, away from the temptation of Beth’s strong legs and willing muscles.

Some small piece of her was relieved, a piece up underneath her ribcage, at the base of her lungs, where anxiety was always balled and twisted. She hadn’t lied, the thought of Alison’s frenzied flexing was appealing in a way; as much as she hated herself for not wanting to flip the other woman over and send her trembling over the edge, a part of her also hated Alison for not just _doing it_.

She didn’t have the words to explain, she never did. She leaned up, following Alison’s motion and pulling her shins from under the other woman’s weight, crossing her legs and resting her elbows against her knees. “It’s not the same… you doing it yourself.”

“I’d never ask you to do it.”

“I know that, let me finish.” Beth sighed and rubbed her face, “I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I just—”

Alison was watching her carefully, “I know.”

“No, you don’t.” Beth shook her head. “If you did you wouldn’t stop yourself all the time.”

“I stop myself because I don’t—“

“Because you don’t want to make me do something I don’t want to do.” Her frustration was mounting, the internalized anger mixing with the past two weeks of frenzied kissing making her heart burn and thud painfully. “But if I’m telling you that it’s okay, then it’s okay.” She sighed, defeated, “I’ve stopped you a million times when things get to be too much,” her hands dropped away, “I just wish you’d trust me to know my own limits.”

Alison smiled sadly and scooted closer, her folded knees digging into Beth’s ankles. “Beth, you’re not giving me enough credit. I think I know your limits better than you think I do. It’s been ten years, just because we haven’t explicitly spoken about it doesn’t mean I’m not picking up on your cues.”

When Beth scoffed, Alison’s eyebrows shot up and she carried on; challenged to prove her point, she rattled off facts rapid fire, ticking them off on her fingers as she went— “Touching your shoulders, back, and hips drives you wild—“ Beth rolled her eyes, but Alison pushed on, “—the insides of your thighs and your breasts are ‘naughty no-fly zones’, touching is only okay if it’s not…” she waggled her fingers, “you know…sexy.” She shrugged, “You’re more than happy to let me stimulate myself as long as you’re not the one making it happen. Playfully, or even if we’re just making out, you’re fine, but you tense up and get nervous whenever the idea of touching me seriously,” a deep breath, “with the intent of making me orgasm comes into your head.” Alison reached out and gripped Beth’s jaw, forcing eye contact, “And I always know when it _does_ because your eyes flick down between my legs and you close them as tight as you can and hold your breath _for the slightest fraction of a second_ before you act like nothing is wrong.” She sighed and shifted a few inches backward, giving Beth room to breathe, “You like working me up, you like teasing me, and you like it when I tease you too—“

Beth managed to snap her jaw shut long enough to shoot back, “But you never do.”

“Because,” Alison gave an exaggerated eye roll, “I don’t want to put you in a situation where you want to go masturbate but have to explain yourself to me.”

“I don’t—“

“Yes, you do.” Alison sighed and shook her head, “I’m not stupid, Beth, I know you better than you think I do.” She gave the shocked woman a few moments to gather her thoughts, watching the play of emotions over her face. “It’s about expectation.”

Beth’s brow furrowed, “What?”

Alison reached across the distance between them to smooth the crease with her thumb, “I’ve been waiting years for you to sort through this on your own, but you’re clearly not— it’s about expectation. It’s why you’re fine with…” she gestured to Beth’s leg, the tight muscle banded along the top of her thigh, “things like that, but you get choked up when you think about like… _sex-sex_.”

“Sex-sex?” Beth rolled her eyes.

“For lack of a better term.” Alison settled herself, getting more comfortable on the couch. “What is expected of you in sexual situations holds a lot of anxiety for you. It’s Angela’s fault.”

Beth snorted, “I’m sorry, what?”

Eyes flicked up, “Angela DeAngelis.”

“Alison, I fucked her _once_.”

The shorter woman’s head lolled back and she sighed, “Yes, and you’ve never gotten over it. She goaded you into it. You didn’t want it and she pushed you. It was all she wanted from you. It was all Paul wanted from you. Being asexual left you feeling disinterested in sex, but it didn’t change what people wanted from you or what they expected of you.”

Beth swallowed down the knot in her throat. She thought of Angie’s begging eyes, Paul’s rough hands, Jennifer’s needy hips. She shook them from her mind and tried to listen to the words that were still barreling full speed from Alison’s mouth.

“—the fear of it ruined your friendship with Art.” She waited a few moments before letting her head fall to the side to look at Beth seriously, “That’s why it’s easy for you to let me get off in your lap. There is no expectation, you just get to sit and watch without the pressure. No expectation, no anxiety— just your regular old, general apathy about sex.” She finally smiled, “Beth, when I say ‘I know’,” she closed the distance between their lips, softly pressing, “I mean ‘I know’.”

Beth blinked.

“What is it that you know?” Delphine’s gentle, plodding footfalls drew their attention, “How many times are you two going to wake me up with your snarking?”

Alison smiled, kissing Beth again, slowly drawing the moment out before breaking away to respond, “We weren’t snarking.” Beth’s neck stretched forward in an attempt to continue the affection, but her lips met Alison’s cheek when the woman turned her head to look at Delphine. “The real question is, how many times are you going to interrupt our make out sessions with your waking up?”

The blonde chuckled briefly before groaning the rest of the way to the kitchen, fingers pressed to her eyes, one hand still bandaged. “My head is pounding.”

Beth wondered if it was pounding as fast as her heart was. She sunk deeper into the cushions, grabbing Alison’s hips and pulling the small woman over her; Alison laughed and caught her lurching weight on the arm of the couch, her hands on either side of Beth’s head. It was that look again— this time shared between them— Beth hoped Alison could see it, could recognize it as easily as she could because she didn’t know how to voice her feelings.

Alison was staring deeply into her eyes, but her words were too loud for the small space between them— directed, instead, at Delphine, “You did a lot of crying last night, you’re probably dehydrated.” The tap was already running, water splashing in the metal basin replaced with the hollow noise of it filling a glass.

“Oui, j'en suis sûr.”

Delphine grew silent as she took swallow after swallow of water and the large, open space was consumed by the quiet sounds of Beth and Alison’s reaffirming kisses.

***

“Can I open my eyes yet?” Beth shouted into the empty living room.

The giggling drifting down the hall turned to more substantial laughter. Alison was gasping for breath through her fit, “No! Not yet!”

“You’re not even in here!”

Delphine’s voice came from much closer— the mouth of the hallway, “Non, fermez les yeux.”

Beth dropped her head back against the couch and groaned, “D’accord, d'accord, mais dépêchez-vous.”

She could feel Delphine slinking into the living room, the tall frame leaning over her, nearly whispering against her lips, “Il ne faut pas presser la perfection.”

“Delphine! Jesus! Knock it off!” She twisted her face away and swatted at the laughing woman, but obediently kept her eyes closed.

Alison called Delphine back into her bedroom and Beth waited, waited, straining to make out their words. It was another handful of minutes before she felt their bodies gliding into the living room, pulling the coffee table away, dancing around the couch like leaves kicked up on a breeze— made of spinning motion, made of ruffling sound.

Familiar lips pressed against the crown of her head and Alison’s voice came from behind her. “Okay,” she jostled around memories of high school French, “ouvrir les yeux.” The command sounded more like a question.

Dark eyes slid open to see Delphine, one hand behind her head and the other on her hip, one leg bent enough to lift her heel off the floor— a pose to show off the dress she was wearing. It was yoked white and black, sheer from the bust to its sleeveless shoulders. As she spun she revealed her back, shoulder blades visible on either side of the zipper and dotted with as many moles and freckles as there were stars in the night sky. Beth smiled, wide and open mouthed, laughing and clapping, “Magnifique! Très, très belle!”

She could feel Alison’s body press into the back of the couch as arms slid down around her neck and crossed over her chest. Her head dropped down to murmur in Beth’s ear, “Do you like it?”

“Absolutely,” Beth grinned and gave another round of applause as Delphine strutted back and forth in front of the television, striking a pose each time she turned. Her make up was light and earthy, and they’d made sure not to cover her beauty marks with concealer. Beth ran her hands down Alison’s arms, tucking her chin to kiss the fragile dip of her elbow, “Do I get to see you next?”

“Mhm,” Alison purred, the weight of her limbs trailing back and off of Beth’s shoulders. If Beth had wanted to look anywhere else, she couldn’t, Alison’s slow slink around the couch was mesmerizing. Encased in simple red satin from chest to mid-thigh, it wasn’t the dress itself that had Beth’s jaw on the floor, but Alison’s confident steps, the sultry shadows in her eyes. “What do you think, Hot Shot?”

Beth sputtered, “I don’t think brainwords.”

Alison and Delphine dropped their seductive flirting and crashed into each other, unable to maintain their balance with the rambunctious shaking of their laughter.

Beth pulled herself together. Her smile was all sharp pointed teeth as she leapt from the couch and ran at them, scooping each of them in an arm and spinning until they flew from her grasp and fell in a heap on the couch, sending it tipping momentarily onto its rear legs. Beth growled as she swooped in, a hand finding the back of the couch on either side of their heads. “You look absolutely, heart-stoppingly, gorgeous,” she dipped low and kissed Alison, pulled back to smile at Delphine, resting a hand affectionately on the top of her head, “both of you.” She straighten up and smoothed her shirt, “But now…it’s my turn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I told you guys all that making out was important. And would you just look at these adorable assholes? Next week: the reunion you've been waiting for, and the one-shot you've been waiting for. A lot of things you've been waiting for... all happening on Tuesday... very exciting time.


	16. Chapter 16

Delphine’s frame unfolded as she exited the car, coming to her full height. She pulled her sunglasses from her face and squinted at the building.

Beth and Alison rounded the car to her side and the three of them took in the structure. It was made up of large halls and auditoriums that businesses and private groups could rent for events, gatherings. East Toronto High had held proms there for generations, and senior prom was the last time any of them had set foot in the building.

Beth’s hand took the place of Cosima’s. She laced her fingers between Delphine’s, trembling and clammy, and led her through the parking lot. Alison kept pace at Delphine’s other hip, a guiding palm resting against the small of the blonde’s back. “Are you ready?” Alison asked when Beth’s free hand caught the door and tugged it open.

Delphine smiled, nodded to both of them, “Yes, I think so.”

“Remind me why we’re going to this stupid thing again?” Beth groaned, releasing Delphine and waving them in.

Alison clicked their lips together as she filed in behind the doctor, “Because some of us are extremely successful doctors and professional athletes who want to shove our success in other people’s faces for a few hours.”

Beth chuckled and watched the way the waning light shimmered across the small woman’s satin dress. “Right, I almost forgot.” She looked up in time to catch Delphine’s grin. She was all pearly whites when Beth pinched the back of her elbow and whispered “that smile looks good on you.”

The ballroom was muggy. Despite the cool air outside, the milling crowds of dancing and mingling alumni heated up the space. Beth watched Alison scan the crowd before her eyes settled on Rachel Duncan, her face splitting into an excited grin. Beth glanced over at Rachel— leaning on one hip with her arms crossed in front of her chest, not speaking with anyone. The woman couldn’t possibly look any more unimpressed. They had that in common.

“I’m going to go say hi.” Alison pressed a quick kiss to Beth’s lips and walked off as nimbly as she could in high heels.

Beth turned to huff at Delphine, but the blonde had spotted Cal and wandered away to chat him up.

She found Sarah and Helena at a table sprawled with meats and cheeses. Sarah was paying little attention to her sister who was capitalizing on the situation by shoving fistfuls of crackers into her gaping maw— her darting eyes stealing glances at Sarah occasionally to ensure she was sufficiently distracted.

She’d nearly made it to their side when she felt a hand at her elbow. She jerked around to find Marion Bowles standing at her hip. “Principal Bowles,” Beth uttered, surprised.

“Please, call me Marion.” The older woman smiled at her kindly. Beth saw the same shark teeth, knowing instinctively that Marion’s kindness was not unlike Rachel’s.

She looked for an escape, but relented— “Marion.”

“I’m glad you came, Elizabeth. I was hoping to have a word.” There was nothing Beth hoped more than to NOT have a word with Rachel’s sharp-as-knives step-mother. There had always been something unsettling about Marion Bowles, and that had certainly not changed. At Beth’s unease, Marion continued, “I won’t keep you long.” Her tone made it clear that it was not a request. Beth acquiesced with a feeble shrug that earned another frightening smile. “Excellent.”

The woman lead her to a quiet corner and spoke without further pretense, “My husband,” she said with a thick layer of distaste coating her tongue, “—Rachel’s father—” as if Beth didn’t know, “has coached our soccer teams for nearly twenty years.”

Beth nodded, “Yeah. I remember him.” He’d been relentless, tactical and efficient, if a bit scatterbrained. He’d let Rachel have free rein over her team, but he was always in the background— expecting nothing short of perfection. Alison had spoken highly of him, though often with a grimace. She’d described him as “obsessively focused, single-minded, and oppressive”. Beth thought that she secretly attributed him with her success, knowing he’d pushed her to continue in the sport during times when her interests shifted.

“I’m afraid you remember the man he used to be,” Marion sighed, “he’s grown…ill—“ she tapped her temple with a black fingernail, “the years haven’t done him any favors.”

Beth shrugged, “Where are you going with this, Marion?”

The woman tilted her head, “Right to business, I knew I liked you.” She looked at Beth pointedly, “Ethan refuses to retire.” Beth’s eyes narrowed and the principal continued, “I’m certain I can get him to step away, if only I can find a suitable replacement…”

She shook her head, “No, no way.”

“Elizabeth. I’m offering you the opportunity of a lifetime.”

Beth’s brows shot up her forehead, “The opportunity of a lifetime? More of my years spent back at that school? Coaching a bunch of teenagers and their attitudes?”

She expected a snarky retaliation, but Marion Bowles was more diplomatic than her step-daughter and simply smiled knowingly, resting a hand that Beth didn’t trust on her forearm. “You’ll think about it.” It wasn’t a question.

***

“I’ve never seen anything like it…” Beth cocked her head to the side in gross fascination.

Alison shifted her weight to lean her arm into Beth’s, “Mmm, tell me about it. It’s like… I don’t know whether to be scared or—“

“Or disgusted?”

“I was going to say happy. I’m excited for them...” Alison smiled and took a sip of her punch, nudging Beth gently.

She grunted, “This doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means _everything_ , Beth.”

Sarah Manning had a cup in each hand, both of them filling the space between her and Rachel like a buffer. Sarah’s eyes were downcast and her shoulders were hunched up around her ears; Rachel seemed to find some far-off point in the distance endlessly interesting. Beth couldn’t hear them, but they were talking— with actual words, she thought— their mouths were moving, at least.

“S’like… I just wanna eat you out an’ then punch ya lights out like in high school.” Beth barked, hulking her shoulders and swaggering side to side.

Alison struggled to keep a straight face before tensing her back and lifting her chin, slipping into a drawl that rolled off her tongue a bit too easily, “I plan on emotionally belittling you before dominating you in bed.”

Beth immediately snapped out of her act to ask, “Rachel’s a top?”

Alison just looked at her, deadpan, and rolled her eyes before gesturing back to the scene playing out in front of them. Rachel had accepted the drink from Sarah but they still hadn’t managed to look at each other.

Beth groaned, “This is painful to watch, I’m going to go save her.”

“No,” Alison stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, “let them…” she waved vaguely, “do their thing.”

Beth smiled, “It is kind of endearing, isn’t it?”

“I’m rooting for them.”

A scoff blew from Beth’s lungs, “Yeah, you made that really clear last week in the underground.”

Alison chose to ignore her, finding a more pressing issue to discuss— “Rachel has a favor to ask of you,” she tucked her head back to whisper in Beth’s ear, “please don’t gloat.”

Beth whipped her head around and pinned her with excited eyes, “Oh my God. What is it?”

Alison glared, “She wants her dad to retire, but he won’t leave until the—“

Beth waved her hand dismissively, turning back to watch the awkward encounter, “No. I already turned down Bowles.”

“Beth,” Alison hissed, “Please do th—“

“No, Ali, I’m too fucking busy. I—“

Alison rolled her eyes, her voice dipping into playful, jabbing sarcasm, “Doing what?” Beth was silent for a beat, but the moment she opened her mouth Alison started in again, “Coaching the children’s league and fucking Jennifer Fitzsimmons? Because, last I heard, that wasn’t happening anymore.” Beth’s jaw went slack and she blinked rapidly. Alison wasn’t playing anymore, her tone growing harsh, “Oh please, Beth. How do you think you got that job in the first place?”

“You—?”

“Yes!” Alison sighed, “You need to do something with your life. You can’t just sit around forever. You’ve been self-sabotaging since the accident.”

“I’m not sitting around, Alison!” Beth growled, glancing around and lowering her voice, “You know I’m taking care of Delphine.”

Alison crossed her arms over her chest and cocked a hip, “Yes, I know, Beth. But you’re driving yourself into the ground and you’re taking her with you. Enough. You need to deal with this. She is not your responsi—“

“My responsibility? Yes, she is!” Beth thrust a finger into Alison’s sternum. “I’m dealing with this. You’re not here, you haven’t been. You can’t possibly understand. You up and left and we all had to just keep living. Now you think you can come back and take over?”

“I finally became privy to how bad things have gotten last night.” Alison shook her head, letting out a defeated breath, “Beth, Delphine hasn’t moved on because she hasn’t had too. You’ve been holding her hand for a decade. You’re doing more damage than you know.”

Beth tried to back away, shaking her head furiously. She didn’t have the energy to keep this up and the thought of someone, _anyone_ taking Delphine away from her was leaving her heart racing, “Alison…don’t start with this right now. Our day was so perfect.”

“Yes, it was, Beth, and it is still perfect,” Alison cool hand, made cooler by the ice in her punch, cupped Beth’s cheek, “but you _have got_ to listen to me. Please.” Her voice was gentle, “Delphine has PTSD— she _needs_ professional help.”

Jennifer’s friend Meera climbed on stage and approached the microphone. She tapped on it a few times and smiled painfully wide as everyone’s attention shifted towards the front. “Hey everyone, we’ve got a very special video for you. A lot of us knew Cosima Niehaus back in the day. As I’m sure you all remember, Cosima passed away not long after graduation.”

Beth’s heart stopped and she turned to face Alison, “I’ve got to find Delphine.”

The short woman shook her head and stepped closer, “ _We’ve_ got to find Delphine. You’re not in this alone anymore, Beth.”

The anger eased from tense shoulders and Beth took in Alison’s sincere expression for a few beats before nodding, gripping her hand tightly.

Finding Delphine was easier than she’d anticipated— the crowd was parting around her, no one wanting to stand too close, like she was a time bomb no one was willing to defuse. Beth pushed through into the clearing and met the blonde, her chipper mood completely decimated by the announcement, she brought hazel eyes up, brimming with tears. 

“Delphine.”

“Beth.” Her voice was high and tight but painfully thankful. She reached out with one arm, fingers searching for the spaces between Beth’s with desperate need.

“I’m here.” The tall woman slotted their fingers together like lost puzzle pieces. They fit together now. Alison released Beth’s hand and moved until they were bracketing the blonde again. Beth could hear Meera’s speech coming to a close, the dim lighting getting even lower, the quiet murmur of the crowd dying down. Cosima’s laugher coming over the loudspeakers felt like a punch to the gut that had been held back by a spring, coiled with a brutal tension. It knocked the wind from Beth’s lungs. She heard Delphine’s breath leave through her lips, a weak whimper trailing on the end of it. Beth grabbed the bend in Delphine’s elbow with her free hand and whispered, “Quoi qu’il advienne, je te soutiendrai. Always.”

_“What do you want me to say?” Cosima’s voice was high and shaking with laughter. Her eyes were bright and so, so full of life. The sun’s light filtered through her irises making them glow a sweet honey hue. She was shivering, a red peacoat open and billowing in the breeze. Gentle snowflakes spun around her. She shoved her hands in the pockets and hugged herself as another gust of wind blew through. “After school? Uhhh, I guess I haven’t really thought about it? Get into university…obvs. Maybe study biology, become a scientist.” She paused for a second, her smile softening, the corners of her lips twitching, “I’d like to marry my girlfriend— Delphine Cormier? You know her?” She devolved into happy laughter, shrugging, holding her hand up over her head, roughly Delphine’s height, “Tall, leggy, French?” A voice on the other side of the camera made an affirming noise and Cosima nodded, her eyes dropping, “Yeah…” she said, “something like that.”_

The scene cut to another— _Cosima standing at the front of a classroom giving a presentation. Her hands painted through the air, fingers clawed, wrists loose, and elbows flowing. The class laughed and she grinned, wide and open-mouthed. She crossed her ankles and leaned her weight to the side, her bangles sliding down to clatter against her hand as she reached down and tapped the keyboard on the teacher’s computer to move her powerpoint to the next slide._

The next shot was candid, a student sweeping the camera through the commons. It stilled on Delphine and Cosima. _The brunette was crosslegged and Delphine’s neck was resting against her ankles, flat on her back, with her body stretched out across the carpet. The camera shook and zoomed clumsily, the quality becoming grainy as it tried to focus. Cosima smiled and ducked her head, her dreads a falling curtain as she dipped down to bump her nose against the blonde’s. Delphine curled inward, her knees bending up off the ground. Cosima’s hands slid down Delphine’s arms and their lips touched. Despite the awkward angle, their kiss was slow and savored. When Cosima pulled back their lashes fluttered open and they locked eyes for a quiet beat until Delphine giggled._

_The camera panned away._

—

_“What does the yearbook care about tattoos for? Don’t you have something better to do?” The camera was zoomed in close on familiar ink. Ringed fingers entered the frame, Cosima’s thumb pressing, brushing, tracing along the spiral, “This is the golden ratio and it’s a mathematical pattern that just repeats itself in nature in flower petals…and honey bees…and…you know, the stars in the galaxy and- and every molecule of our DNA.”_

_A faceless voice came from offscreen, “That’s so cool. You have another, don’t you?”_

_A chuckle, Cosima’s voice was just a whisper, “Yeah.” The camera wobbled and there was a blur of motion as arms moved about. Cosima pushed up her sleeve and twisted her elbow inward across her body, her forearm gave under the pressure of her fingertips. The camera shook more and zoomed and focused on the dandelion._

_“What’s it for?”_

Beth closed her eyes, heard the recognizable sound of Cosima snorting a breath through her nostrils, the sticky sound of her lips parting was loud in the dead silence of the room. Beth could imagine her smirk, the way her lips curled around an eyetooth. _“This one?” Cosima paused, “This one’s private.”_

The sound of clattering wheels on asphalt made Beth open her eyes, drew her attention back to the screen. The scene was familiar and she remembered the exact moment. It was after school, in the library parking lot. _Felix’s laugh came from behind the camera, his black painted fingernails just a blur that came into frame briefly. Tony was standing to the side, laughing his loud, stomach-shaking laugh. Cosima balanced, wobbly, on his skateboard, arms out to the sides, and Sarah ran up from out of nowhere and shoved her. Cosima screamed and rolled forward quickly, arms flapping. She lost her balance when the wheels caught on a pebble and she ran forward off the front of the board, nearly tripping over her own feet. “Fucking-A, Sarah!” The dreadlocked teen spun around. She ran after Sarah and the punk took off, their laughter tailing behind them. Felix spun as they passed in front of him. They quickly approached Beth and Alison— the shorter girl with her back pressed to Beth, wrapped in her arms. Beth took a step to the side and reached out with one arm, catching Sarah’s leather jacket as she passed and dragging her to a stop. Cosima caught up and pounced, tackling Sarah. The trio were a mess of limbs, screams, and laughter._

Beth felt Delphine squeeze her fingers. She turned her face into the blonde’s shoulder and wiped her tears on overheated skin, reaching around her body to cling to the fabric of Alison’s dress. Delphine’s hair tickled her cheek, breath tickled her ear as she whispered, “On se casse…”

***

“Things are going well with Alison…” Delphine’s whisper was more breath than sound, hot and tacky in Beth’s face. In the darkness of the blonde’s bedroom, Beth could only see in muted blues and blacks, the vague outline of Delphine’s features.

She hummed, “Yeah, they are.”

They laid quietly, balled fists beneath their chins, only the rustling of sheets between them as Delphine’s legs shifted. “She has to leave soon.” _Your quiet paradise won’t last. There is a world outside our apartment._

“I know…”

Alison was waiting for her in the next room, reading or checking in on Rachel or maybe even losing the fight against sleep. Beth could feel her through the wall, across the distance to her bed.

 _What are you going to do?_ “She can’t stay forever.”

“I’m not leaving you, don’t worry. I would never leave you.” _Quoi qu’il advienne, je te soutiendrai. Always._

Delphine’s breath skittered across her cheekbone, “Maybe she has a point.”

“You think you’re better off without me?” Beth’s eyebrows pinched together, her voice tinged with hurt. In the hushed blackness she’d recounted their conversation to Delphine, who had listened without offering input.

“Non,” Beth could make out the shaking of her head, her straight blonde hair puffing away from her mouth with a sigh, “I mean the part about self-sabotage.”

Dark eyes rolled, though she knew Delphine couldn’t see the motion, “Delphine…”

“Hear me out,” her accent made her lips form awkwardly around the ‘o’, “teaching in Scarborough was easy for you, it was convenient. I watched you turn down job after job, pretending that you had your hands full with those children. We both know they were just an excuse. You didn’t have to invest. It was casual fun for them, none of them were over ten. You can have a solid career training young women who are choosing to focus on this sport. You can hone their skills, help them progress. Tu pouvez faire la différence.”

Beth lifted her head to look down at Delphine before dropping it back to the pillow. “I don’t want to make a difference.”

“Non, you’re scared to make a difference.”

***

Beth turned as she entered her room, one hand on the doorknob, keeping it twisted, the other flat against its edge, assuring a quiet closing as she slowly released the knob. She licked her lips and turned her head towards the bed. Alison was laying on top of the blanket in an oversized Thorns t-shirt and loose black sweatpants with the team’s name in white block letters down the length of the leg. She leaned back against the headboard, shoulders pressed to the solid wood as she scrolled through her phone, face illuminated by the light.

“Hey,” Beth breathed.

Alison looked up and smiled, whispering, “Hey. Did she fall asleep okay?”

A nod, “Yeah.” She sat down on the edge of the bed and rested her elbows against her knees, leaning forward and roughing her face with both palms.

Alison’s weight shifted behind her until fingers clasped the hem of her sweater. She’d taken Delphine to bed as soon as they got home and had yet to change out of the clothes she’d worn to the reunion. She lifted her arms and the navy cashmere came up over her head, brushing too-soft fabric against her skin. Alison unrolled the sleeves as it came off, freeing them from their entanglement with the white blouse Beth wore underneath.

Lips mouthed silent words of love against the column of her neck while hands came up to loose her hair from its messy bun. They slid across her shoulders and down her arms smoothing the crumpled white sleeves before traveling back up. Beth smiled and rested her hands against Alison’s knees, pressed to the mattress at either side of her hips. She dropped her head back onto Alison’s shoulder and the arms hooked under her own held her close.

Alison had spent most of their long day talking and was now peacefully quiet. Her fingers found the casually loose and unbuttoned collar that had blossomed from the v-neck of Beth’s sweater and moved to unbutton each closure until she was sliding the dress shirt off in the negligible space between them. She dropped soft, open-mouthed kissed against Beth’s back, pushing gently at the taller woman’s sides until she stood and turned.

Beth smiled down at her as the warmth of her mouth found the bare stomach in front of her, lips sweeping over the tattoo along Beth’s ribcage. They worked in tandem, Alison unbuttoning, Beth unzipping, both of them pushing her black slacks until Beth could step out of the pool they made at her feet. Her first movement hiked a knee up on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward, the presence of her body forcing Alison to lay back until Beth was over her. Alison’s digits raveled in Beth’s hair, legs wrapped around her, mouths found each other.

“I love you,” Alison drew in Beth’s words on a breath. “I will always love you.”

Strong arms kept Beth’s shoulders close, “Forever,” Alison responded into the shell of Beth’s ear. “Sleep.”

They drifted off between lazy kisses with their usual positions reversed— Alison flat on her back with Beth’s body draped over her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Propunk one-shot is happening. Go read it if you're into that.


	17. Chapter 17

They had only been asleep for a few hours when they woke to frantic pounding at the front door. They both jumped at the noise, four feet finding the floor quicker than their brains could clear the fog of sleep. Beth was searching for clothes when Alison opened the door and moved into the hall, colliding with Delphine. The two recovered quickly and made for the living room.

Beth pulled a shirt on and started navigating into a pair of shorts when she heard chaos erupt in the apartment. She scrambled faster, one foot at a time, aiming for the leg holes in the dark as she jumped toward the hallway. Clothing askew, but on, she rounded the corner and found the front door wide open, and Delphine and Alison bracing Tony on either side, his arms slung over their shoulders, his face twisted in agony.

“What the fuck?!” She ran closer.

Delphine’s face was in stark contrast to Alison’s panicked expression— calm, collected, sure. “Beth, go into my room, in the closet there is a dark blue duffle bag. Get it right now.”

She spun and immediately jogged to the blonde’s bedroom. When she returned with the heavy bag, Tony was sitting lengthwise on the couch, one leg flat and the other lifted, both of his hands covering Delphine’s which were one over the other and pressing down on the outside of his thigh, just above his knee where his pants were saturated with blood.

“Alison, shut the door please; Beth, venir ici.” Delphine, knelt by the side of the couch, nodded toward the floor, “Set it down, open it.” Beth did as she was told. The moment the door latched shut and the lock slid home, Delphine turned to Alison, “Bring some light over here.”

Alison immediately moved for the lamp that stood by the television. She carried it over, knocking it clumsily into the coffee table in her rush. The cord wasn’t long enough to reach, but she got it as close as she could and twisted the smaller light that branched off the side until it was pointed toward the couch.

Beth had Delphine’s bag unzipped and the doctor was leaned over it, “Those scissors, please.” It took longer than it should have for Beth’s shaking fingers to find purchase on the metal tool. “Switch,” Delphine said.

“W-what?”

“Change de place avec moi…viens par ici. You’re going to stab him with those shaking hands. Come here, rapproche-toi.” Beth inched her way to Delphine’s side, dropping to her knees in the space the doctor made scooting further up Tony’s body. “Tony, I need you to lay down all the way, on your back.”

“I don’t want to move.”

“You need to listen to me— Alison, call an ambulance— move down, Tony.”

“N-no! No ambulance!” He cried, trying to shift downward on the couch.

Delphine snapped at him, “Yes ambulance.”

“You can’t, please, I can’t have the police getting involved.” He whimpered, managing to wiggle down far enough that he could lay back flat. “It’s not that bad,” he ground through the pain, “a-a flesh wound.”

Delphine sighed and looked over at Alison for a beat. The small woman had her phone out, thumb hovering over the screen. “If it’s anywhere near as bad as it looks, we’re calling an ambulance.” She turned her attention back to his leg. “Beth, pull a cushion under his feet, we need to elevate his legs higher than his heart. And then switch with me.”

Once both feet were up, Beth took a deep breath and snapped on a pair of gloves in a side pocket of the bag, mentally preparing to take Delphine’s position. “Okay, okay…”

“J'ai besoin de votre attention.” The doctor looked her directly in the eye and spoke in a low, calm voice, “À trois, je vais laisser aller, okay?” Beth nodded and put her hand out in front of her. Delphine started her count, “Prêt? Un, deux, trois—“ she lifted her hands from Tony’s leg and Beth replaced them with her own.

“Here.” Alison was shuffling closer, shaking out a folded blanket. Beth hadn’t even realized she’d gone to get it.

Delphine, already hunched over her bag, looked up at her, “Good, thank you.”

The small woman draped it over his chest and tucked it around him. He smiled weakly up at her before glancing down at Beth’s hands. “Man,” he forced a chuckle, “you just bought me these jeans.”

“They’re about to be even worse off,” Delphine said as she straightened up, scissors in hand.

Beth tried to will the tremble from her voice while Delphine got to work cutting away Tony’s jeans at mid thigh. “I got you two pairs, it’s okay.”

“We can get you more.” Alison said, desperate to help.

Delphine didn’t look up from her task, shooting at them, “Could you two stop talking? Take his shoe off.” Alison moved to kneel at the foot of the couch, her fingers working the laces of Tony’s Vans. Hazel eyes only tore away from the bloody mess for a second, glancing up at Tony and locking with his panicked gaze before returning to her work. “Tell me what happened.”

“I, uh,” Tony’s sickly pallor made Beth’s stomach turn.

As he worked out his words, Delphine nudged Beth’s wrists until she moved her hands and quickly pushed the now freed portion of his pants leg down his shin. With the wound exposed, she could assess the damage. It was all flayed flesh, ripped open and oozing blood— a thick, deep groove from the outside of his thigh around to the front. Alison dropped his shoe to the ground and shimmied the scrap of denim off carefully, trying to avoid jostling his leg.

Beth felt instantly better upon seeing it. Though messy, she couldn’t make out any bone, and the bleeding had slowed considerably.

“Focus, Tony.” The doctor said, quickly tugging gloves over her already bloody hands, her face close to the furrow. She looked up at Alison, “Will you get me a few towels from the closet in the bathroom?”

Alison nodded, “I can mix saline too, if you want?” She gestured into the kitchen with a thumb over her shoulder.

“That would be excellent, thank you.” Delphine smiled, “That’s a handy skill to have.”

“She wanted to be an athletic trainer.” Beth said, then raised her voice until it carried, “First massage skills, now you’re making saline? We shouldn’t let you go home, Alison.” She heard the quiet laughter drifting through the apartment’s open floor plan as it accompanied the knocking around of bowls and silverware and stood up to fetch towels so that Alison could focus on her work in the kitchen.

Tony grimaced in the pain when Delphine prodded at the torn tissue, exposed meat, “I had a job running in some cash from a drop spot. The bag was short, but I got it that way— I swear.” He hissed and flinched when she pressed down on his leg to stem the renewed bleeding.

“So you gave a criminal less money than they were expecting?”

“That’s the long and short of it.”

Delphine sighed, “Well, I am going to have to excise some of this skin, I think. I don’t have a scalpel with me so it will have to wait.”

Tony let out a breath, “That sounds really painful, so I’mma have to say I’m going to count my blessings.”

Beth returned with an armful of fresh towels which Delphine promptly tucked under Tony’s leg. “Can you start opening gauze and pull out the tape, please, Beth? It is already starting to bleed again and once I begin cleaning it will only get worse.”

When Alison brought over a steaming mug, Delphine transferred the liquid into a bottle from her bag with a long, tapered irrigator. She tried to give Tony a reassuring smile, “This really does looks good. It is not as bad as I thought it was. But still, I’m afraid this won’t feel good. I’d like you to keep talking, alright?”

He nodded and took a deep breath, holding it as the saline hit. His muscles spasmed and twitched.

“You need to breathe, Tony.” Alison said, walking around to his head and kneeling, stroking his face and murmuring softly.

Delphine ran the saline through the trough of the wound and dabbed at the interior with a wad of gauze, running it along the inside. Her finger fit well inside the trench-like injury and she used it to clear out shreds of denim and debris. She glanced up at Tony, he was shaking with the strain of staying conscious. “How did you get in here? Did anyone see you? Should I be expecting the police at my door?”

“No, no.” He gasped and moaned, “No, I know the night doorman.”

Beth ripped open a seventh packet of gauze and laid the squares out on the coffee table, “Mark?”

Tony nodded, “Yeah, he’s Rudy’s brother.”

“Rudy?!” Beth lurched forward, “Rudy was the one who did this? Ma Moon’s Rudy?”

He grunted, “Yeah.”

“Jesus, Tony.” Beth sighed and shook her head. “How do you know Mark didn’t just call him? What if he’s on his way here right now to finish you off?”

Tony almost laughed, “Mark fucking hates that twat more than I do. He asked if I shot him back, all hopeful like. Don’t worry, we’re—“ he tamped down a scream, “we’re golden.”

Delphine finally straightened up from her position curled over Tony’s thigh, “Okay.” She let out a breath and wiped the sheen of sweat from her forehead, “Now we dress it.”

Beth found antibiotic gel in the bag and offered it. Once it was applied, she held out the stack of gauze she’d opened. They all watched while Delphine lay down layer after layer, building up a thick padding. “The bulk of this will weigh on the injury without cutting off circulation,” she explained, taking the tape Beth handed her next, “And this tape will add more pressure.” She went halfway across his leg, from the middle of one side to the other, taping down tightly. “You need to tell me if you feel any numbness or tingling, okay? We’re going for _pressure_ , not cutting off circulation.”

He nodded.

“I’ll see about getting some local anesthetic and a scalpel from the hospital, but for now we’ll keep this bandaged. I may need to suture it in layers, but I’d like to keep it open. I don’t want to risk closing it and having you get an infection— nothing here is sterile.” She leaned back and inspected her work before finally relaxing, smiling, “You are going to be fine,” she pulled off her gloves with a snap, “and I am going to lose my license for this.”

“Hey,” he chuckled weakly, “I’ll keep my mouth shut if you do, babes.” A queasy look washed over his face, “Also, you got anything for the pain in that bag of tricks?”

***

When Beth and Alison finally rolled out of bed that afternoon (“We have _got_ to stop staying awake all night, Beth, this is _killing me_.”) Tony was nowhere to be found and Delphine had the whole apartment turned upside down.

“What’s going on?” Beth asked with brows raised high enough to hide in her hairline.

Delphine looked up from her spot on the floor where she was digging through a small toolbox meant for simple maintenance, “Have you seen the key set?”

“The hex keys? I think they’re in my room. I used them to put the new bed frame together when I moved in. Sorry.” Delphine shrugged, unbothered, and Beth wandered back to find them. When she came back, ring full of Allen wrenches in hand, she found Alison on the floor with the blonde. They had up-ended the couch and were squinting at the hardware that held the legs in place. “You’re taking apart the couch?”

Delphine nodded and threw her head in the direction of a pile of cushions— stained with rusty blood. “Yes. I’m afraid we’ll need a new one.”

“Oh man,” Beth flipped through the stack, not a single one was clean. “Maybe not a white one this time.”

Delphine laughed through her nose and the key set jangled as they passed it between them, both stretched across the space. As the blonde got to work disassembling the couch, Beth looked around for Tony. “He’s in my room,” Delphine said, glancing up at Beth, “I thought a comfortable bed would do him some good.”

Alison nodded, “S’s house isn’t really conducive to healing.”

“No,” Beth said, moving around to hold the couch steady, “not with all of them running around all the time.”

“Yes.” Delphine pulled one of the legs off and started on the next.

Beth drummed her thumbs against the couch, “Are you thinking about letting him stay?”

The doctor looked up again before returning her attention to fitting the Allen wrench in place, “Ouias, pour un petit moment. I’ll go out and get a new couch today. Hopefully it can be delivered by tonight. He can have my room for the time being.”

“You shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch in your own house,” Beth rubbed the back of her neck, shifting on her feet.

Alison watched her for a moment before turning to Delphine, tucking her legs up under her and brushing her fingers across the carpet, “We can stay in a hotel until things get settled.” She shrugged, “He can stay in Beth’s room.”

“No, no,” Delphine shook her head slightly, squinting as she worked the key, “I’ll make sure to buy a more comfortable couch.” She pulled back and grinned at them, “Maybe one of those, euh…” she mimicked an unfolding motion with her arms, “eh..”

“A sleeper?” Alison supplied, “like with a bed built in?”

“Yes.” Delphine nodded and pulled the next leg off.

Alison rocked a bit from side to side before speaking, “Beth and I have something we need to do today. We’ll already be out so we can pick out a couch.”

Beth turned to her, “What?”

Delphine was biting her lip in concentration as she worked a screw, “Non, that’s alright, I’m sure Tony would appreciate some alone time,” she offered them an appreciative smile anyway.

“What do we have to do today?” Beth asked, with only a mild hint of offense.

Alison took in a deep breath before rocketing through her sentence, “We’re going to lunch.”

Beth frowned, “Why are you acting so weird about lunch?”

“Because we won’t be alone.”

“Alison…” she warned, “what’s going on?”

The short woman sighed, “We’re meeting with Rachel.”

Beth scoffed, “Why on earth are we meeting wi—“ realization dawned, “no. No way!”

“Beth—“

“I told you I’m not taking that job, Alison.”

Before Beth could really get going, Delphine cut her off, “You should go.”

“What?” Slightly betrayed, Beth looked down at her.

“You should go.” The blonde repeated matter-of-factly and without looking up from her task. She dropped the third leg and began work on the last, “I’ve never asked you for rent, Beth, and that isn’t ever going to change. But I know you’re running out of savings. You need to get a job sooner or later.”

Beth rubbed roughly at her jawline. Delphine wasn’t wrong— her bank account was approaching a frightening level of emptiness. “I’ll get a job. I just don’t want _this job_.”

“I do believe this is the only offer you’ve received,” Delphine said before Alison could, “you should at least consider it. Talk to Rachel— see what she has to say.”

***

Rachel was more flustered then Beth had ever seen her— smoothing her blouse and breathing heavily through her nose when she entered the restaurant. Beth could have laughed.

She did laugh (a little) before Alison glared at her. “Beth…be nice.”

“She’s never late,” Beth was nearly giggling as she leaned closer to Alison, pressing close together in an attempt to keep her voice as low as possible.

She earned another glare. Alison stood quickly as Rachel neared, “Rachel,” they hugged, though the other woman was even more stiff than she usually was, “it’s good to see you again.”

The blonde kissed the air on either side of Alison’s cheeks and sat down smoothly, “Yes, thank you for meeting me. I apologize for my tardiness, I was…” she tilted her head and adjusted the silverware in front of her, “held up.”

“Not a problem at all,” Alison smiled warmly and took her seat, reaching across the table and gently squeezing Rachel’s forearm before the Englishwoman withdrew both hands into her lap and straightened. “We’re really happy for this job opportunity,” she smiled and knocked shoulders with Beth.

Beth bit her tongue, _no we’re not,_ you’re _really happy for this job opportunity_ , she chose to smile instead. The stretch was wide and hurt her cheeks, but she pushed through and gave a short nod— because that’s what Delphine would want her to do. She’d made it very clear for the duration of the drive to the cafe that she was _only_ agreeing to this because Delphine had thought it would be a good idea. Alison only rolled her eyes once, had only muttered “of course, because God forbid you listen to me” _once_.

She finally let her awkward smile drop and leaned forward onto the table, her forearms digging into the edge, “So your dad is retiring?”

Rachel blinked slowly and inhaled before responding with a slight twitch of her head, “That _is_ the goal, yes.”

That smarmy drawl— Beth wanted to smack the sound of it right out of Rachel’s mouth. She grit her teeth against the urge and jabbed— “Bowles says he’s lost his marbles.” Alison tensed at her side, though Rachel seemed unaffected.

“A rather crass way of putting it, but,” she looked out the large storefront window to her right, “yes, I suppose that’s accurate.” She somehow managed to sit up straighter, “I’d like to have him transferred to a private care facility for the remainder of his time here, but I’m afraid he believes the team will be lost without him.”

Beth leaned back, hiking her elbow onto the back of the chair and stretching her legs out under the table. “Will they be?”

Rachel, again, took a moment to respond, “In looking for a suitable replacement we’re hoping to ease the transition.”

“You didn’t answer me,” Beth loudly drummed her fork against the edge of the table, “are you asking me to captain a sinking ship?”

“My father has been… infirm… for some time.” Rachel looked mildly disgusted, though Beth wasn’t sure if it came with the thoughts of her father, or from Beth’s own slouched posture. She continued switching into a frank tone, “I’ll be honest, the team needs some work.”

Beth shook her head, “I’m not looking for a project.”

A waitress came over and greeted them with a smile. They ordered quickly and the woman was on her way, leaving them in silence.

Rachel turned her eyes back to Beth after a moment, “I’d be happy to arrange a visit, if you’d like to see them in action.”

She scoffed, “We’re talking about a team of real human girls, Rachel, not a fucking racehorse.”

The blonde shifted her shoulders and adjusted her weight in her chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week, Beth remembers why living with Tony is ridiculously annoying and she and Alison check out the "fucking racehorse".


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am WAY to exhausted to edit this. Apologies in advance for any extra errors.

The couch Delphine had purchased wasn’t able to be delivered that evening, but Beth and Alison fought the doctor tooth and nail until she was too exhausted to bicker any longer. Their two voices successfully overpowered her one and they spent the night on the floor.

Beth whined as she woke. If sleeping on the couch was bad, this was a million times worse. Alison was already in the kitchen, skillet in hand, bopping away. The short woman had headphones in and was quietly singing off-key. Despite the pain, Beth smiled.

She worked her arms under herself and pushed off the ground until she could get to her feet. After a deep stretch she stepped lightly into the kitchen. The white cord of Alison’s headphones danced with her body, leading from her ears to the phone tucked into the rolled waistband of the shorts she’d slept in. The black a-shirt she wore was one that Beth was certain belonged to her. She reached out and tugged the buds from Alison’s ears, making the woman swing around.

Beth tried to get arms around her while dodging the hot pan, “Holy frickin’ Christmas cake! Beth!”

“It’s just me,” she laughed. The withering glare Alison pinned her with only made her smile wider. “I’m sorry, you’re just too cute when you’re cooking.”

Alison glanced at the clock on the stove, “Why are you in such a good mood? It’s only nine in the morning.”

Beth hummed and shrugged, her eyes tracing the shape of Alison’s face, “I don’t know. I love you, though.”

The other woman finally smiled. She pecked Beth’s lips gently, “I love you too.”

“Taco-blocko, taco-blocko, taco-blocko!” Tony limped into the kitchen with an arm thrown over his eyes. He was hopping on his left leg and feeling blindly for the bar.

Beth flexed her jaw and pinned Alison with a look, mouthing ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ She put force to her voice and spoke without bothering to look at him, “Tony, there is no taco-blocko— literally not possible.”

“I know, I know, you’re ayyyy-sexual, or whatever.” He let his arm fall and struggled into a stool. “Still, I knows a clam jam when I sees it,” he pointed at them.

Beth pressed her eyes shut tight, keeping her back to him. She missed Cosima’s calm understanding. Their friends were well meaning, but none of them could quite wrap their minds around the concept— while most opted to completely avoid the subject, Tony stumbled around it clumsily, crashing into it. It was with a mixture of relief and guilt that Beth remembered that it was Felix who had been truly unrelenting in his teasing. _But she shouldn’t think ill of the dead_.

Gentle, understanding, Tony had kept the ribbing alive ad perpetual rei memoriam, Alison occasionally tried to explain, as some subconscious way of keeping Felix around a little longer. She ran her hands down hot cheeks and whispered, “Keep it together, Hot Shot.”

Beth groaned and let her neck give until her forehead bounced against Alison’s lips. The hand that cupped the back of her head was strong and comforting. Alison kissed her hairline and shoved her away gently.

Beth spun and looked at Tony. “How did you sleep last night?”

He shrugged, “Good. It’s throbbing pretty bad.” He glanced down at the bandage covering the top of his thigh. He was wearing a pair of Beth’s running shorts and they were laughably small on him.

Alison smiled, “The adrenaline’s worn off.”

Tony chuckled, “And those pills Delphine gave me.”

“Did you need another?” Delphine asked, yawning from down the hall as she shut her door behind her.

He leaned back on the stool to get a better look, “Yeah, if you don’t mind.”

“Dès que t'as fini de manger,” the blonde was mumbling, shuffling into the bathroom, clearly not fully awake, “or you’ll be sick.”

Tony looked to Beth, confused.

“Eat first,” she translated and pulled two pancakes from a growing stack by the stove. She dropped them on a plate quickly and shook the heat from her fingers, sucked the sting away. “Here,” she set the plate down in front of him. Alison was rummaging through the silverware drawer while waiting to flip the pancake she was cooking. Beth went to her tiptoes, reaching for the syrup. It was just out of reach on one of the middle shelves of an overhead cabinet.

“Hiiii,” Alison’s voice came from down low, bent at her side. Beth grinned and looked down when she felt cool fingers tickling the skin of her stomach, the short woman was greeting her belly, exposed where her shirt had ridden up.

“Quit it,” Beth laughed, “I’m trying to get the syrup.” She tried to jump for it, grunting.

Delphine was behind her before she could get a firm grasp, reaching easily around Beth’s hopping frame, her fingers closing around the neck of the bottle without a struggle. “Comment peux-tu faire quoique ce soit? Tu es trop court.”

“Yeah? Allez vous faire foutre.” Beth flashed her middle finger over her shoulder. 

Delphine set the syrup down on the counter in front of her before ruffling her hair, “Tenez. De rien.” The blonde smiled sleepily at the death-glare Beth fired back at her.

Tony was watching their back and forth, “Oh man,” he shook his head, gesturing between them with a pointed finger, “this French bullshit would get annoying real quick.”

“Thank you!” Alison threw her hands up.

***

Delphine had a shift at the hospital and someone needed to be at the apartment when the couch was delivered, so it was decided that Beth and Alison would swing by S’s house to pick up some of Tony’s belongings before they met with Rachel at East Toronto High.

It was early afternoon when Alison’s knuckles rapped against the wooden door. They could hear the stomping clomping footfalls barreling down the stairs, and when the door swung open it was Helena and Kira smiling on the other side of the threshold.

“Hello Beth,” Helena tried to close her lips over her teeth, but her cheeks were red and stretched painfully wide.

“Hey, Helena. Kira.” Beth reached out and pinched the girl’s cheek, “Were you guys playing?”

“Yes.” They answered in unison, thick accent and cheerful chime playing in harmony.

Alison smiled and hugged Kira to her leg, “Is your mom home?”

She nodded and hopped with both feet, landing on the top of Alison’s shoe, arms loose around her thigh. The woman flinched but grinned through the pain and took a step into the house, hauling Kira along.

Helena leaned onto the stairs, her hands several steps up, and shouted, “Sestra, Beth and Alison are here!”

Beth pat the blonde on the back as they made their way very slowly (thanks to Kira weighing Alison down) into the living room. “Tony got himself in a bit of a pickle the other night,” Beth explained to Helena as they walked.

“A pickle?”

“He got into some trouble,” Alison explained.

Helena’s lips retreated into her mouth and she bit down on them, her eyes clouding with worry. 

“He’s okay though, totally okay,” Beth tried to reassure her.

“Who’s okay?” Sarah asked, tromping heavily down the stairs.

“Tony,” they all answered together, Kira’s addition of ‘Uncle’ muddling the sound into a mishmash of syllables.

Sarah groaned, raking her fingers through her mane, “Okay, I’m worried. What happened?”

Beth and Alison shared a glance and the shorter woman detached Kira from her leg. Gripping her upper arms, Alison knelt down to her level, “Hey, why don’t we go upstairs and you can help me pack up some of your Uncle Tony’s things?”

The request didn’t exactly put Sarah at ease. “Go on, Monkey,” she waved them off up the stairs. As soon as they were out of earshot, the punk leaned in, growling under her breath, “What’d he muck up this time?”

Beth looked between the twins before sighing, feeling the need to preface— “He’s fine.” She scratched at her jaw for a beat before dropping her hand to her side and diving in, “He found himself on the business end of a bullet the night before last.” Helena tensed and both of Sarah’s hands tangled in her hair. Beth rushed to continue before they could interrupt, “It was just a graze, deep, _deep_ ,” she drew a line on her leg, marking its trajectory, “but just a graze. He came to our place for help. Delphine cleaned it out and dealt with the bleeding. He’s going to need to stay for a while until she gets him all patched up.”

“Yeah, he is,” Sarah’s voice was shaking— more with fear, with worry, than with anger— but her words were firm, “he’s not staying in the same house as my kid if he’s messing with shite like that.”

Beth nodded, “I think he’s done. I think he’s learned his lesson.”

The rage was building, Sarah was pacing, throwing an arm out in frustration, “He’ll never learn his lesson. Are you kidding me? He’ll get himself killed before he figures out how to stop fucking up his life!”

Helena stood quietly and watched Sarah move frantically, like a captive animal stalking through the confines of its cage, stress carved into every line of its body. She turned her head back to Beth, “Who did this to him?”

She shrugged, “Rudy, the guy who took over for Ma Moon after she died.”

Sarah let out a growl, “Rudy? I know him.” Beth gave her a surprised look and she waggled her hand— “knew him. It was a long time ago.”

“Tony is going to be okay?” Helena asked.

Beth nodded, “Yeah, yeah, he’s totally fine, just hurting.

“He’s not going to be fine once I get my hands around his stupid sodding ne—“

Helena stepped in front of Sarah, gripping her shoulders tightly, “Sarah, he is our _brother_.”

The fire in the punk’s eyes dwindled and she let out a long breath, “Yeah, right. Sorry.” She looked to Beth, “But I don’t want him coming back here, I mean it. I don’t want him around Kira until he gets his shit together.”

“Okay, yeah. We’ll…we’ll figure something out.”

It was another twenty minutes before Alison came down with a backpack dangling from her hooked fingers— so full that it had lost its shape to the contents within. “Everything good?” The short woman asked.

The twins were seated together on the couch, bodies in contact from shoulders to hips to the outsides of their feet, Sarah’s left to Helena’s right. The blonde looked up, twisting her neck to meet Alison’s eyes, but Sarah was absorbed in scratching some crusted _something_ on Helena’s thigh, embedded in her pants.

“Yeah, we’re good.” Beth sighed and nodded. She gestured to the door, “Let’s get out of here. We need to meet Rachel.”

Sarah’s head shot up, “Rachel?”

***

They stood in front of the school. It seemed smaller than it once was, though neither of them had physically grown. Alison slid one hand into Beth’s and cupped her elbow with the other, “It’s strange being back here.” Her knuckles brushed against the tattoo that marked their last visit to the school.

“Yeah. All I can ever see when I’m here is Cos and Fee, I can see them laughing, I can see them smoking and running around. The way they stood, the way they moved and carried their bags.”

“So young…”

Beth nodded, “Exactly.” She sighed, “I don’t want to work here, Ali. I don’t want to come here every day and see them.”

Alison frowned and walked forward, tugging Beth along. As they walked through the doors, she chirped, “They’re going to name the gym after Rachel.”

Beth scoffed, “I’m sorry, what? No way I’m taking the job now.”

The grip on her arm tightened and Alison hissed, “Oh hush. Come on.” She led them through the silent halls; their footsteps echoed and each pace was another step towards the gym where they’d first met and spent so many hours.

Rachel was waiting for them just outside the doors to the locker rooms. She had her hands clasped behind her back, one ankle crossed over the other, her attention focused on a large display featuring successful sports teams of years past.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Rachel didn’t turn to greet them, just dropped her wrist to reach up and tap a painted fingernail against the glass.

Alison sidled up next to her, “Oh wow, Beth, look.”

Beth was distracted, her eyes trained not on the display, but on the wall to its left. She could still _feel_ the anxiety and tension she’d been flooded with that day— April 21st, 2014, the day all of their lives changed.

_“Do you want to talk about it?” Alison stopped outside the door to the girl’s locker room and reached for Beth’s cheek, her fingers trailing over the red and splotchy skin caused by the stress of the last hour._

_Beth smiled, “Nah, I’m okay. It’s nothing.” Her hand met Alison’s, twisting her wrist until she could press her lips to the shorter girl’s palm. “Sorry for worrying you.” This new secret was weighing heavily. Her brain was racing with every possibility. Why had Cosima been crying— sobbing— gasping for air? Beth couldn’t escape her thoughts, couldn’t peel her eyes away from Alison’s worried face. She grabbed Alison’s hands and lifted them, nudged the other girl’s elbows until Alison had both arms up over her shoulders. Beth pressed strong fingers into her girlfriend’s hips and eased her into the wall._

_Alison lips met hers, parted easily for Beth’s tongue. She moaned quietly, eager, enthusiastic in the way that teenagers in love usually are, and she hummed when Beth finally broke the contact. “Gosh,” she giggled, “my brain isn’t even working anymore. Where are we? What are we doing?”_

_Beth laughed her nose bumping against Alison’s cheek as she laid a line of kisses across Alison’s jaw. “Do you want to skip gym and go make out somewhere?” She could feel the pressure building, the anxiety from seeing Cosima so shattered and vulnerable. She knew Alison’s kiss would make it all go away._

_“Yes. For sure.” Alison’s hand was already working Beth’s ponytail free of its elastic, her fingers massaging Beth’s scalp. “The tension grid?”_

“Beth?”

She blinked and found her own fingers brushing against the wall where seventeen-year-old Alison’s back had been pressed a decade before. “Huh?”

“Look.” Alison grabbed her reaching hand and squeezed it. She pointing to the display case with the other.

There they were— Alison and Rachel— down on one knee with a placard between them that read ‘ETH Varsity Girl’s Soccer, 2014’. They were wearing their home kits, maroon jerseys with a grey stripe that started at the left shoulder and crossed down to the right hip, and grey shorts with East Toronto High emblazoned above the hem. The rest of the squad stood behind them with hands clasped in front of them. Beth recognized a few of them, though many names escaped her.

“This girl,” Beth touched the glass over a blonde in the second row, “she dropped in that low corner kick against West? When the scout from the Flash was here?”

“Molly,” Rachel nodded, “—a stunning play.”

Alison smiled, “My play.”

Beth grinned and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Yeah, I remember.”

“You had several good plays,” the blonde said quietly. It was praise, Beth could tell, though Rachel didn’t bother giving Alison her attention.

Alison’s finger came up to tap the girl next to Molly, “And Margery. She set up the first goal that game.”

Rachel was humming, “Yes, but you got the assist.”

“It was a three person play, she deserves most of the credit, she saw the opportunity.” Alison shrugged, “And you deserve some credit too, it was your head that put the ball in the back of the net.”

Beth could hear the rush of air leaving Rachel’s nostrils as she inspected the photo, heard the smirk twisting her lips, “It was.”

Alison smiled and nudged the blonde with an elbow, “You know, I brought that play over to the Thorns, we run it all the time.”

“I’m aware.” Rachel sounded bitter.

The short woman chuckled, “Oh yeah, I forgot, didn’t we score against you using that set up last year?”

Rachel cocked her head to look down at Alison, her voice nearly a growl, “I don’t recall.”

“Oh you don’t?” Alison teased.

“We should go.” The stern woman took a step back and walked around them.

It took Beth several moments to recognize the odd feeling overwhelming her; it wasn’t until they walked out the side door of the gym and set foot onto the grass that it dawned on her— it was the silence. It was strange to see Rachel move without the accompanied clack of her heels against the linoleum. She was wearing flats, better to walk over the uneven grassy slopes leading to the soccer pitch.

Beth could see ponytails bobbing in the distance, a pack of girls running back and forth. “Here we go.”

“I could spend our time here selling you on the benefits of accepting this position,” Rachel’s stretched words were laced with annoyance. Beth could never tell when Rachel was actually annoyed, her voice always sounded that way, was she always annoyed? Probably. “But I suppose seeing the team for yourself would be a bigger motivator.”

Beth grunted. They were close enough now that she could make out the features of the players; their brows were furrowed in concentration. All but two were running drills. “Your captains?” Beth asked.

“Yes,” Rachel strode towards them, extending a hand as if she were offering them to Beth when they were close. “Trina and Felicity, co-captains of the varsity squad.” It was Felicity who wore the armband, stretched around a bicep that was frighteningly well muscled. “Ladies, this is Elizabeth Childs, barring any complications she will be your new coach.”

Beth bit her cheek and shook her head slightly, sparing them a glance, “No, sorry, I’m just here to look at the team.”

Alison grabbed her wrist, “Don’t say that,” she hissed into Beth’s ear, on tip toes behind her, “if you do take the job you won’t have their confidence. You need to be—“

Beth whipped around, “I’m being honest with them, they don’t need to get their hopes up and be bounced around.”

“We can hear you,” Trina said, her eyes dangerously close to rolling. Both girls stood on cocked hips, staring her down with distrust.

“Sorry,” Beth sighed. She moved to stand in front of them, “Beth.” They hesitantly shook her hand. “This is kind of a serious gig, I’ve already got a lot on my plate,” she shrugged.

The two girls shared a look before Felicity spoke, “It _is_ a ‘serious gig’. We don’t want a coach who isn’t invested.”

“She’ll be invested,” Alison said, quickly occupying the space to Beth’s left and extending a hand, “I’m Alison.”

Trina was quick to grab her palm between both hands, “Alison Hendrix, we know, we’re big fans.”

Felicity shot a glare in Trina’s direction, “Casual fans— not crazy fans.” But she eagerly shook Alison’s hand when Trina released it. “God, Tri, you make us sound like groupies or something.”

“But Felicity, you have her—“

“Tri!” She jabbed the other girl sharply with her elbow, still pumping Alison’s hand.

Alison smiled politely, “Well, thank you. I bet having Rachel around has been fun for you guys too.”

Trina was beaming, nodding excitedly, “Oh my God, it’s unbelievable!”

Felicity scoffed and rolled her eyes, turning her torso away in embarrassment, “It’s whatever.”

Alison looked to Beth who raised an eyebrow and mouthed ‘it’s whatevarrrr’. She tried to stifle a giggle and turned back to the girls, nodding, “We should go talk to Coach Duncan.” She gestured to the old man, standing at mid pitch with Rachel, his shoulders rolled with age.

Beth gave them a slight wave before leading the way. “Wow,” she said when they were out of earshot.

“Seriously,” Alison laughed and glanced back at them over her shoulder, “teenagers, huh?”

Dark eyes rolled, “We were that age once.”

Alison gripped Beth’s arm at the elbow and leaned into her, stumbling as they walked, “You fell in love with me when we were that age,” she purred through a dreamy smile, her eyes glued to the side of Beth’s face.

“Shut up.”

When they were in audible range Alison waved and called out, “Hi, Coach.” They broke apart and she jogged the rest of the way.

Beth took in the team, they appeared in better shape than Rachel had given them credit for, though there was clearly some room for improvement. Her dark eyes moved out to the parking lot, recalling the night Alison had stumbled upon her kicking around by herself. Parked in the same spot Alison’s old beat-up station wagon had been was a silver car. The windows were rolled down and Beth could almost make out the driver’s face, mostly obscured by large, aviators. She squinted and leaned forward as if the few inches would make the difference. She was a woman, that much was clear, and something about the way she watched the pitch with a sternly set mouth made an uneasiness coil in Beth’s gut. She wished she could see the woman’s eyes, gauge her intent.

And then it happened, the woman saw her. Her head twitched and the tight line of her lips twisted in an ugly grimace. Beth recognized the motion. She recognized _her_. There was movement in the car, and its engine turned over, the driver was glancing over her shoulder and pulling out of the parking spot before Beth could will her shocked feet closer to confront her.

***

Beth shut the car door behind her and crossed the parking lot in record time— taking broad, angry strides towards the same silver sedan she’d seen the day before. She wasn’t surprised to find it there, in fact, she’d been counting on it. Her hand found the passenger’s handle and yanked it open violently. She flopped down into the seat and pulled her feet in just in time before jerking the door shut behind her.

The woman in the driver’s seat startled and twisted toward her, tearing her mirrored aviators off her face. Beth wasn’t looking at her, she just kept her dark eyes staring straight out the windshield, squinting at the team practicing on the pitch. The woman was gawking at her, surprised and scared and… angry.

Beth took a deep breath, “What are you doing here, Angie?”


	19. Chapter 19

“How’s the knee, Childs?”

Beth finally spared her a glance, her eyes darting down below the steering wheel. “I think I should be the one asking you that.” She stretched her fingers out to brush against the cane resting by her leg, propped up against the passenger’s seat.

Angie scoffed and turned to look out the window. “What, you think we’re even now?” Beth shrugged and she twisted sharply to glare at her again, “Permanently disabling someone? You were out for a few months, I’m out for the rest of my life.”

Beth sucked on her teeth, “Do you want to spend this time harping at me for an apology?” The silence that spread over them was tense, but somehow more comfortable than the silences at home. “Why are you here?”

More quiet, extended this time, but still easy. Angie finally shrugged, “I got a job around the corner.”

“Why are you _here_? You like watching teenage girls, Ange?”

The woman gave her a fierce look before slipping her aviators back on. “Just reliving the memories.”

“Every day?” Beth ran her hands over her thighs, brushing nonexistent fuzz from her jeans.

Angie pointed, “Number seven there is a stunner, isn’t she?”

Beth nodded slowly, “She’s got a killer right foot. Her name is Trina.”

“Trina, huh?” Angie glanced Beth’s way, looked back at the pitch, “She’s going to make it big one day.”

“I don’t know about that,” she sighed and when the other woman cocked her head, Beth explained, “—management issues.”

Angie nodded, “That’s a shame.”

“It is.”

They were happy enough to sit there; Angie’s palm closed over her knee, completely decimated by the dashboard, by the impact with the tree, while Beth’s fingertips traced the keloid scar left by Angie’s dangerous tackle. Elbows met on the center console, sharing the space.

“Hendrix.” The name spilled from Angela’s mouth. Beth lifted her head and looked at her. “Your girlfriend?”

Beth’s lips twisted and she shook her head, “Nah, not really.”

Angie shifted in her seat, “Why were you out on the pitch yesterday? You and Hendrix and Duncan? You all went to school here, right?”

“Yeah,” Beth sighed. She struggled to find the words to easily explain the situation. She waved an arm towards the field, “—management issues.”

They didn’t bother looking at each other, four brown eyes studying the movement of players on the pitch, “Well, those two are definitely keeping busy, so I’m guessing it’s you.”

“Job offer,” Beth nodded.

A thin eyebrow peeked over the frame of Angela’s aviators. “You taking it?”

It was a heavy sigh that broke free, sagging her shoulders and bringing her forward a few inches off the back of the leather seat. “That’s the question.”

“You got something better going on?”

“No.”

Angie chuckled, “Then it sounds like a no brainer.”

Beth ran fingers through her hair and scratched her head, “Things are more complicated than that.”

“What’s complicated about it?” It was a rhetorical question and Angie dived right into her next sentence without so much as taking a breath, “It’s soccer. We’re soccer players.”

Beth’s eyes fell on the cane leaning close to her scarred knee, “We _were_ soccer players.”

Angie was shaking her head, “We’ll always be soccer players.”

“Yeah, Ange?” Beth’s voice dripped with venom, “When was the last time you kicked a ball with that bum leg of yours?” The woman looked at her quietly. “Not since I took that away from you, huh?”

“It must be nice,” Angie said.

“You looking for pity?”

Angela sighed, “No.” She lifted her glasses up her forehead and pinned Beth with dark eyes, “Are you?”

***

It wasn’t a long drive to Sarah’s bar, but Beth sat in the parking lot for nearly half an hour after she got there. She wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, just looking at the grimy windows and the light blue sign with its chipping paint— she imagined that at one point it was probably a much deeper color, faded by the sun and snow. She sighed and looked down at her hands, gripping the bottom of the steering wheel to keep them from shaking.

“Fuck it.” She threw her seatbelt off and it clattered loudly against the door, too twisted to feed up into place. It took effort to hoist herself out of her seat. When did she get so tired? She shut the door and squeezed her keys in her hand, shoving the other in her pocket.

Sarah glanced up from the register where she was counting cash into the drawer. “What are you doing back here, Childs?”

“Are you always so rude to paying customers?” She pulled her wallet from her pocket and tossed a blue five dollar note on the bar.

Sarah snorted, “No, only the alcoholics.” She watched Beth spin a stool with her fingertips for a few beats before lifting a leg and sliding onto it. “Where is your keeper?”

Beth rubbed a hand over her face, “Which one?”

Sarah smirked and slammed a shot glass down on top of Beth’s payment. As she filled it she said, “You’ve got to get through the whisky to get to the money. You don’t drink, you don’t pay.”

She lifted the glass off the note and shoved it at Sarah, setting her shot back down on the bar. “You pour, I pay. You can’t very well serve it to someone else.”

“Who is the bartender and who is the lousy drunk here?” Sarah replaced the shot on top of the money. “I’ve got shit to do, you gonna be okay sitting here and staring?”

Beth was quiet for a few moments, tracing the rim of the glass with her thumb, “Maybe I’ll drink it this time.”

Sarah nodded slowly, “Yeah, maybe you will.” She turned, pausing before she walked into the back room, “Let me know how that goes for you.”

As soon as the punk was out of sight, Beth’s eyes slid closed and her grip tightened around the rim of the glass— “…Fucking Sarah,” she stood and yanked the money from underneath it, crumpling the bill and jamming it into her pocket as she turned and stormed out the door.

***

Alison startled off the brand new couch when Beth walked through the door, “Where have you been?”

Beth looked at her carefully, “I went out.” She turned and dropped her keys into the bowl by the door, shrugged out of her jacket.

“Where did you go?”

She twisted to look at Alison again, “Out”, she repeated before throwing her coat on the rack where Delphine’s absent purse usually hung. Alison shifted. Beth glanced back at her. “What? I can’t go out?”

The small woman scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest, “Of course you can go out. We’ve just…”

“You’ve been attached at the hip for weeks,” Tony said, dropping his head back against the couch to look at her.

Alison waved towards him, “And you just leave without a word this morning?”

Beth rubbed her eyes and sighed, tired, “I had some stuff to take care of.”

“Some stuff? Beth?” Alison sounded worried. She rounded the couch to take Beth’s hands in her own. “Are you alright?”

Beth blinked, suddenly uncomfortable, her teeth sunk into the pliable flesh of her cheek and she shrugged, trying move away from Alison’s hold. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

Alison’s brow furrowed, “Beth, what’s wrong?”

“Stop! I’m fine!” She jerked back, maneuvering around Alison’s body. She gave Tony an exasperated look and threw a hand in Alison’s direction.

He just held up his hands and shrugged, “Yo, don’t look at me.” He struggled from the couch which was still stiff, yet to be broken in. He scooted, lifted, strained, until he was on his feet and hobbling away to Beth’s room.

“Where is Delphine?” Beth asked, dropping heavily into the space left warm and empty by Tony’s departure.

Alison watched her with pained eyes, her voice was a sorry attempt at cheerful, “She hasn’t come home yet.” She stood in place but shifted her weight back and forth, “Are you hungry?”

Beth glanced back at her, “No.”

This silence wasn’t comfortable, not like the one with Angela. Their eyes met over the back of the couch.

“Can I sit with you?”

“Of course,” Beth waved her over.

Alison gave her space, taking up the other end of the freshly delivered piece of furniture. Beth watched her uneasy settling for a few moments before lowering herself down, stretching out over the cushions until her head was resting against Alison’s thigh. The small woman turned her body, easing Beth’s neck over her shin until they were fit together. Alison pulled the elastic from Beth’s hair and buried her fingers in it, nails scraping her scalp gently.

Beth sighed and closed her eyes, pressing back into the gentle scratching. “Do you think she hates me?” She asked quietly.

“Who?” Alison’s eyes rolled in her head as she tried to run through every ‘she’ she could think of.

“DeAngelis.”

“DeAngelis…? I don’t know, Beth. Why?”

She shrugged, shoulders bumping into Alison’s legs. “I don’t know.”

“Have you been thinking about her lately?”

“No,” Beth sighed and shifted onto her side, rubbing her cheek against Alison’s thigh.

The other woman was quiet, focusing on running her fingers over Beth’s neck. Beth could tell she wanted to say something, but was glad Alison wasn’t pressing. She didn’t want to explain.

Alison licked her lips, “You changed her life pretty drastically. She’ll never walk again, Beth, that’s serious.”

“She can walk.” Beth said.

Alison’s fingers stilled immediately, “Have you checked in on her?”

“No.”

“Beth…”

“I haven’t checked in on her.” _Change the subject, change the subject, change the subject._ She twisted onto her stomach, pressing her teeth into the soft skin of Alison’s inner thigh. She could hear the moan valiantly swallowed down and ran hands up, slipping her fingers under the hem of Alison’s shorts until they dug into the swell of her hips. She lifted her weight and tugged.

Alison slid down, untangling her legs and making space for Beth between them, “You don’t want to talk about this…”

“No, I don’t.” Beth released her hips once she had her in place.

Alison nodded and looked at her with a sad smile, “That’s okay, we don’t have to.” Her eyelashes fluttered when hands splayed across her sides. Beth held her waist with a firm grip and the familiar strength left her resolve weak. “But you know I’m here,” she gasped as Beth leaned forward and teeth found her neck, “if you…want to…” Beth shushed her with a warning bite that made Alison arched immediately. Hands came up to pull her face away, “Beth, hey,” Alison kissed her softly, nudging her away when Beth pushed for a rougher connection, “hey, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” She wanted hands moving up and down her arms, seeping calmness into her skin. She lowered her mouth again and growled when Alison kept distance between them, “—what, Alison?”

The woman touched her face gently, tracing her tense features, “We don’t have to talk, but I don’t want you taking your frustrations out on me.”

Beth turned into Alison’s palm running lips down her wrist, “You like this.”

Eyes slid closed and Alison’s breath hitched, “Yes, I do.” She bit back another moan when Beth’s fingernails dragged against her ribcage. “But you’re only—” her hips stuttered involuntarily and she took a moment to compose herself, “but I’m not a thing you can use to distract yourself from whatever it is that you’re dealing with.”

Beth pulled back quickly, sitting back on her heels. “Is that what you think?”

Alison blinked up at her, “That’s what you’re doing.”

“No—“

“Yes,” Alison lifted herself onto her elbows, “you get rough when you’re broody.”

Beth looked at her, trying to think back to past instances. “Does it matter? It’s a fun game.”

“That’s very true,” she smiled, “but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re using me. How do you think that makes me feel? …Aside from hot and bothered with no release.”

Beth sighed and flopped forward, crashing down on top of Alison and burying her face in the other woman’s stomach, “I don’t want to use you. I mean, I’m not doing it on purpose.”

Cool fingers slid across her shoulders, massaging, “I know.”

***

“Tony,” Delphine’s voice was light and dancing despite spending twenty hours at the hospital. She swooped through the door, turning to shut it behind her and shifting out of her coat. “Tony!” Still sing-songing she shook her purse and the contents rattled.

He moved into the living room, “That’s not the dinner bell.”

Beth chuckled from her seat on the couch, Alison curled to her side. She turned off the television and twisted to look at Delphine’s confused expression, explaining, “The dinner bell— it’s what we used to call the sound of the grinder banging against the kitchen counter when we lived with S.”

Tony shrugged, “It always meant someone was loading a bowl. Everyone came running.” He moved deeper into the space and shoved Beth’s head playfully, “The chime of the spoon against the edge of the grinder, the smell of sticky weed,” he groaned appreciatively. “We should start smoking again.”

“No,” Alison frowned at him, thwacking his arm, “you’ll never get a job.”

He shrugged, “I’m not going to get a job anyway. It’s hopeless.”

“Yes, yes,” Delphine sped them through the conversation, “but I brought some goodies of my own.”

Beth and Tony’s eyes lit up simultaneously, but Alison looked weary, “What did you do, Delphine?”

“Yeah, what did you do Delphine?” Tony bounced eagerly on the ball of his left foot.

The doctor chuckled, “Nothing you’ll enjoy, I’m afraid. Take your pants off.”

Tony leaned back and winked at the women on the couch, “We’re off to a good start already.”

Delphine smiled, “I’m going to cut away all that dead and frayed tissue from your leg.”

Tony paled, “Awww, come on now.” Delphine was joined in her laughter by Beth and Alison who vacated the couch, standing to help. Beth grabbed Tony by the shoulders and Alison got to work unbuckling his belt. “This is not how I saw this moment going down in my head,” he grumbled, looking down at Alison on her knees with slim fingers tugging his zipper.

“Oh yeah, you’ve thought about this often?” She smirked up at him.

He snorted and his heavy jeans hit the floor. “Not gonna lie…kind of all the time.” Beth rolled her eyes and pulled him by his shoulders until he stumbled backwards out of his pants, “Whoa, hey…” He found his footing and shrugged, hands up and placating, “So the three of you living together, you all like chicks, sometimes things get a little naughty, I understand.”

“Stop before you dig this hole too deep,” Beth warned.

Alison stood and folded Tony’s pants, “No, please, continue. You know, Beth likes men too.”

“You do?” He tried to spin to face her but she tightened her hold until he winced.

“Yeah, you’re not my type,” she grumbled.

Alison moved closer and kissed her cheek, “He kind of is.”

Beth smirked, “Over-sexed without an abundance of brains? Yeah, you’re right, he really is.”

“I think I should be offended,” Tony weighed his words, thinking carefully.

Delphine chimed in, “Can we get back to the topic at hand? I’m interested in hearing what you think we ‘get up to’.”

Beth groaned, “Please don’t encourage him.”

Delphine navigated around them to the kitchen. She dropped her purse on the bar and started laying out several layers of absorbent sheets on the lower counter of the island. “Let him talk, it’ll keep him distracted.”

“Is it gonna hurt that bad?” His voice wavered.

Beth shoved him forward, “God, I hope so.”

“Up, up.” Alison urged him onto the counter. His hoisting and squirming shifted the sheets below him and Alison tilted him to rearrange them under his leg.

Beth gathered their lamp from the living room and brought it into the kitchen. She unplugged the coffee maker and shoved the lamp’s cord into the outlet by the sink. She couldn’t help but notice the lightness to Delphine’s step, the smooth flow of her hands, the easy smile on her face. “You _like_ this,” she said, surprised.

Delphine looked up and found Beth looking at her intently, “Moi…?”

Dark eyes widened, Delphine was…smirking… and pointing at herself with mock innocence. “Yes, you!”

“Non, tu réalisez que je pourrais perdre mon travail pour ça?” Delphine struggled to hide her glee, shaking her head and digging through her purse.

“Cela m'est complètement égal!” Beth rolled her eyes and threw her hands out at the giggling blonde. “You’re eating this up, look at you!”

Tony leaned over to look at Delphine, “You do look like you’re having _way_ too much fun.”

“Oh hush, all of you.” But she was smiling, wide and bright and full of an aliveness they hadn’t seen even in her best moments since Felix’s death. She came around the island, holding the necks of two small glass bottles and a capped syringe between the fingers of one hand and a pair of scissors and a scalpel in the other. She gave Beth an incredulous look and waved at Tony as she set down her things on the counter by his leg, “Ce garçon, il se croit malin, l’effronté… I’m about to cut into him.”

Beth scoffed and Tony twisted sharply to look at her, “What’d she say?”

She shrugged and grinned, “No clue.”

“Beth!” Tony whipped back and forth between the two francophones, his nervous eyes falling on the sharp instruments on the counter, “Beth, what’d she say?!”

Delphine’s joyfulness slipped into professionalism as she ducked her body towards his knee, “I said I’m about to cut into you.” She glanced over her shoulder as Alison adjusted the flexible arm of the lamp to ensure the light was coming from a good angle.

Tony scooted away until his lower back was bumping into the edge of the bar, “Yeah I got that part, I meant the other stuff.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Delphine said slowly, squinting as she peeled the tape from around his wound. “Let’s see how this is doing since I redressed it last.”

She seemed satisfied with the looks of it, though Beth couldn’t tell what it should or shouldn’t look like at this stage of healing. It wasn’t goopy or oozing, which she assumed was a good thing.

Tony sucked in a breath when Delphine manipulated the deeply bruised flesh around it, “How’s it lookin’, Doc?”

“Very good,” she straightened up and pulled on a pair of gloves from her pocket, snapping them in place. “I just want to remove these two flaps of skin here,” she pointed, “they’re not receiving adequate circulation. If we leave them they’ll become necrotic given much more time.”

“Nec—“ Tony shuddered, unable to spit out the word.

Delphine nodded, her head wobbling side to side, an impassive look on her face, “Yes, that would be bad.”

“What are those?” He pointed a thick finger to the glass bottles at his hip.

“Lidocaine and epinephrine,” she said, uncapping the syringe. All eyes were on the blonde as she loaded the injection. “The lidocaine is a local anesthetic, it will help to numb the pain. This will be quick, the pain will be manageable.”

Tony shook his head, “You’re a sadist.”

Beth snickered and let out a whump of air when the back of Alison’s hand connected with her stomach.

“The epinephrine is a vasoconstrictor, it will prolong the effects of the lidocaine and also help to minimize the bleeding.” Delphine smiled at him, reassuring, “Are you ready?”

“No.”

She shrugged and slid the needle into his thigh anyway.

***

“Delphine and Tony are getting along really well.” Alison leaned close to whisper in Beth’s ear. “Which is really saying something, because half the time she’s got her fingers inside his leg.”

The movie theater was nearly empty, only a scattering of patrons taking up spots in the large auditorium. Beth and Alison had stolen the best seats in the house, but Delphine and Tony wanted to be right in the front row. Beth stretched up in her seat to see them, they had their heads together, seats reclined, Delphine’s long arm was pointed up at the movie. Tony was making his own sound effects, his hands mimicking the explosions of cars on the screen.

“Good,” Beth said, settling back down and slipping her hand between Alison’s legs, cupping her thigh.

Alison sighed happily and leaned into her, hugging her arm. “This is nice.”

“Mhm,” Beth rubbed one of Alison’s arms with her free hand and let herself get absorbed in the carnage taking place in big, beautiful HD.

A smile slid across her face when Alison’s warm mouth found her earlobe, “Do you want to get a hotel? The apartment is getting crowded.”

“It would be nice to get to kiss you for more than thirty seconds without Tony barging in.” Beth mused.

“Mmm, imagine… a door…” Alison nodded, she maintained her seductive antics for a few more seconds before turning serious, “Does it bother you?”

“Does what bother me?” Beth turned her head halfway towards Alison, keeping her eyes on the screen.

“Tony…”

Beth scoffed, “Tony always bothers me.” She shrugged, “It’s not so bad, in a few more days we can kick him to the couch and have that nice bedroom door all to ourselves.”

Alison squeezed her arm, “I mean, the way he acts when he catches us.”

Her eyes lost focus and she blinked a few times to retrain them on the movie. She shifted her weight uneasily, “I don’t know.”

Alison correctly read the situation, ‘I don’t know’ translating to ‘I don’t want to talk about it’. “Okay, but I want you to know that the way he acts, that’s… that’s not okay. Alright?” She eased Beth’s face in her direction with a hand on her jaw, “He shouldn’t act like you’re…”

“A freak?” Beth said quickly before turning back to the screen.

The quiet settled for a few moments, interrupted by another explosion. “I was going to say ‘like your sexuality isn’t valid’, but…that too.” Alison whispered.

Someone shushed loudly.

Tony got immediately to his feet and whipped around, glaring into the darkness, “Who shushed?! You? Yeah, you, man! Hey, why don’t _you_ shut the fuck up?!”

Beth and Alison sat up in their seats, their heads swiveling between Tony and the man behind them who stood as well, jabbing a finger towards the front of the auditorium.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you,” his angry finger turned on Beth and Alison, “I paid to watch a movie and these two loud mouths won’t shut up. So why don’t you sit down before I come up there and we have words?”

Tony wobbled on his good leg, “Hey, bring it on, asshole. Those are my friends you’re pointing that stupid fucking finger at. That shit is rude, didn’t your mother ever teach you not to fucking point at people?!”

***

The four friends crashed into each other as they burst through the doors of the theater, laughing maniacally.

“That was so much fun.” Delphine said, wiping happy tears from her eyes.

Beth nodded, “Seriously. Who did that guy think he was?”

“Doesn’t matter now,” Tony puffed up his chest, “I took care of him.”

Alison held her cup, now mostly ice, to Tony’s cheek, “He hit you.”

Tony shrugged, “Yeeaaahhhh, but I got him back.”

“You swung, missed, and fell,” Beth laughed, leaning into him to keep him upright as they walked at a quick pace away from the auditorium. “He tripped over you on his way to smash your face into the ground.”

“I don’t want this night to end.” Delphine giggled.

Tony reached around Beth to nudge the blonde’s shoulder, “Yeah, me neither. Call Sarah, let’s go do something, all of us, like old times! The night is young!”

Alison and Beth shared a look, “What did you have in mind, Slugger?”

He smiled, an idea coming to him, “Let’s do karaoke!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting really close to the end at this point. I haven't quite finished yet, but it's looking like Chapter 22 will be a short epilogue.


	20. Chapter 20

It took both Delphine’s casual convincing and Tony’s boisterous shouting into the handset to persuade Sarah that leaving the house past ten at night was a worthwhile idea.

“You’re so OLD, Manning!”

Beth could hear Sarah’s shouted response from an arm’s length away. Delphine winced and pulled the phone from her ear. When the screaming stopped she gingerly returned it to her shoulder and dug into her purse, shuffling things around until she found the box of cigarettes at the bottom. “No, he hasn’t been drinking,” she said as she slipped one between her lips. She threw an arm out and grabbed Tony’s jacket, tugging. He turned and continued backward with clumsy steps. She mimed working a lighter with her thumb as Sarah kept up a one-sided conversation. He rolled his eyes and fished a Bic from his pocket, passing it off to her.

They all stopped when Delphine did, as if standing in one place would somehow slow the wind that kept extinguishing the flame every time she managed to light it. Tony unzipped his jacket and held it open around her. She lowered her head close to his chest and flicked the flint until she successfully caught a spark. Sarah was still grumbling into the phone, Beth could hear her. She reached between Delphine’s ear and shoulder and pulled it free, lifting it to her own ear, catching Sarah’s concerned voice, “—and I don’t think Beth needs to be around that shite anyway.”

She smirked, “You talkin’ behind my back, Manning?”

“Beth? Oh, hey…”

“Delphine is trying to light a smoke,” she explained.

The blonde shouted loud enough for Sarah to hear, “It’s done, I can talk now,” she reached for the phone but Beth spun away with it. “Do you think you’re going to come out?”

Sarah sighed, “What is the plan?”

“Uh…karaoke.”

Beth could hear the eye-roll all the way across town, “Yeah, I got that much.”

She kept dancing away from Delphine, “We’re going to Féng’s, you know, that restaurant I’m always going on about? They’ve got the ridiculously good lo mien? You should come out— bring Cal and Helena, we’ll make a night of it.” Sarah didn’t answer right away so Beth dropped her voice to a low whisper, “Don’t leave me alone with these idiots.”

“I don’t know, we just got Kira to bed and—“

Tony screamed in Beth’s ear, “Manning! Come on!”

“If you don’t come he’s going to do something stupid,” Beth said, swatting him away.

A low grumble came over the line, “Yeah, I’m gonna shoot him myself.”

***

Tony _was_ sober when they got to Féng’s, but by the time Sarah, Helena, and Cal showed up he was several beers down and swaying side to side with a strangers rendition of Candle In The Wind.

“I thought he wasn’t drinking?” Sarah asked, flopping heavily into an empty chair at Beth’s side and throwing an arm out towards him.

Delphine smiled, “He wasn’t… until we got here.”

Cal ducked his head as he walked by, greeting Beth with a whispered ‘thanks for the invite’ and slapping a hand down on her shoulder before sitting at her other hip.

Sarah’s ruddy eyes fell on the rocks glass Delphine was nursing— formerly scotch, now mostly water. “You too then?” There was a sharpness to her voice.

Beth nudged her and poured a glass from the communal pitcher of beer that occupied the center of the table. “It’s fine, really, here. I think I’m in a good place right now.”

Sarah gave her a weary look, only taking it from her hand after Beth thrust it out toward her again. “So you don’t want to drink?”

“Of course I want to drink.” The punk stared her down until she let her serious expression slip into a smile, “Don’t worry, Ali’s got my back.” Helena, who had pulled up a chair next to Delphine, reached for the pitcher with both hands and a feral smile. Beth handed it to her and took a glass from the stack on the table, flipping it right-side up and leaning across the table to set it in front of the blonde.

Sarah glanced around, “Yeah, where is Miss Goody Two Shoes.”

Helena kept the pitcher between her palms, pouring it into the glass as she chuckled to herself, mumbling, “Goody Two Shoes,” her head bounced along with the words.

Beth watched the blonde and smiled, “She got a call.” She looked to Sarah, “You didn’t see her on the way in? She said she was going out front… it’s loud in here.”

“No, no one’s outside,” Sarah said.

Beth’s brow furrowed, “She’s not out there?”

Cal shook his head and took the beer Helena passed off to him, “No.”

Her head swiveled back and forth between them both, as if they’d change their minds and remember that Alison was standing just outside the door.

“Beth! Come on! It’s finally our turn!” Tony ran around the table. He had his fingers tangled with hers in an instant and was dragging her up out of her chair.

Even Delphine, sufficiently loosened up by a few glasses of liquor, was standing, undulating her hips, arms stretched out above her head, wrists swirling.

Beth tried to pry free of his grip, “Do it without me. It’s for you two, it’s not for me.”

Delphine pinned her with a serious look, moving around the table to catch her from behind and push her forward as Tony tugged, working together to maneuver her onto the stage. “It’s for you too,” Delphine said quietly into her ear, “you need this too.”

She tried to speak, to deny it, but Tony was shoving a microphone in her hand and the pair held her in place with a grip on either arm. The haunting chords started, slow and deep enough to knock around in her ribcage.

“Get me out, give me in, I gave you everything I could give. You try to take, you try to make, but take all everything you can’t break. If you go so easily, go on, get out, when you leave. I will wait, I will want, wait ’til the day you’re back again.” Tony and Delphine were passionate from the first word, ready to feel their feelings as hard as they could— drunkenly hoping that if they sung the words with all the emotion they’d kept locked away inside they could somehow be free of the ghosts that haunted them. They belted along and the noise rang in Beth’s ears. Alison came in with the chorus, her shoulders heavy with some weight that hadn’t been there when she’d left.

“Let me go. You know I’m not one for leaving. Let me go.”

Beth hadn’t realized she was singing, hadn’t realized she was curled around the microphone screaming along to Delphine and Tony’s fervent tones, “You know I’m nothing without your love, no, I know I’m _nothing_ without your love. So let me go, you know I’m not one for leaving. Let me go.”

Tony’s off-key embellishments could have rocked her, the way his throat clenched around the words. Had she been paying attention to anything other than the swelling frustration in her own chest she’d have seen him slamming his fist down on the stool where his beer sat, would have seen the tears slowly falling from Delphine’s eyes. “You know I’m nothing without your love, no, I know I’m nothing without your love. So, please God, let me go.”

When she opened her eyes, it was to Alison’s staring back at her with emotion thick enough to muddy her lungs. It hurt— the full pools boring into her soul, the memories of betrayal and need and aching, _aching_ , love that spilled over and bruised them. She sang along as Alison stood in the doorway, hands loose at her sides, like the fierce woman didn’t have the strength to lift them.

“Let it out, let it in, I’m giving up not giving in. ‘Cause together we are not one, we are nothing, holding on and on.” Alison’s piercing gaze faltered with the flicker of her eyelids. They beat quickly before staying closed and Beth knew the heavy swallow as it bobbed down Alison’s throat better than she knew most things. Some part of her felt satisfaction at the pain etched across the other woman’s features, that she was hurting the way Beth always had. But still she yearned to maintain the happy peace they’d settled into. The thought of losing Alison _again_ was tearing her apart inside, ripping her clear through. And when she didn’t think she could stand it for another moment, Alison opened her eyes and, with the slightest shake of her head, turned and walked away.

Beth dropped her microphone and vaulted from the small stage, dodging chairs and patrons until she was pushing her way out the door. Behind her, Delphine and Tony continued, lost to the world, “Let me go, you know I’m nothing without you love, no. You know I’m nothing without your love, no.”

***

“Alison?!” She stood in the parking lot, arms outstretched and peering into the darkness. “Alison!” The car was empty and she was no where in sight. The burning in her chest faded, taking its warmth with it until she was cold and empty. She felt the air leave her lungs in a rush and her body caved inward, her shoulders crumpling in defeat.

She made her way back to the restaurant and slumped against the front of the building. She’d hurt Alison. She hadn’t intended to, not really, but it felt good in the moment— some kind of revenge for ten years of twisting angst in her gut.

Beth’s head shot up when she heard a strangled moan. She squinted into the darkness past the bright light that shone down on her. It came again, this time trailed by a sob. She pushed off the wall, trying to keep her footfalls quiet so she could hear the noise over her own carefully placed steps. Sniffling led her around the corner of the old brick building and straight to the shaking form hidden in the darkness near a large metal dumpster. She knew the line of the other woman’s shoulders instantly.

“Hey.” There was no response, so she moved closer. Alison jumped when Beth’s body came in contact with her back. “Shh, it’s me.” She wrapped arms around Alison’s waist, felt her stomach contracting with every breath.

Alison’s hands fell on her forearms, holding her wrists tightly, but she whispered, “Please, just go.”

Beth dropped her head against Alison’s shoulder. “I can’t.”

“That song…” she could feel the tremor through Alison’s body, like every breath took effort. If she could have gotten closer she would have, pressing herself flush against Alison’s back. “Do you feel that way? Are we only hurting each other?”

She wanted to take it back. The twinge of pleasure she’d taken in seeing Alison’s pained features was suddenly sickening, her stomach rolled and nausea set in. “Alison, I…”

Alison struggled to get her next words out, Beth could hear them forcing their way through her windpipe, “I have to leave.”

The sharp taste of blood surprised her, teeth taking too hard to the soft flesh of her cheek. Anxiety spiraled in her stomach— she thought she could feel every molecule in her body, every blood cell moving through her veins. She wasn’t prepared. “No…“ her head was shaking, body numb and tingling, as if her brain had fallen asleep like a leg that she’d sat on for too long. She could feel the hair at the back of her neck, her skin brushing against her clothes, the weight of her belt around her hips. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t— please, Alison, no—“

The smaller woman fought to turn in Beth’s desperate embrace, “Tomorrow. I have to leave tomorrow.”

The dull spread of anxiety blossomed into panic, “Alison, stop, no, no, just listen to me, please. I swear to you, that song was just—“

“No, that’s not…” Alison buried her face in Beth’s neck. Her tears were hot. “It was James on the phone, Beth, they’re calling the squad in early.”

It was as though she’d forgotten how to speak, or even what words were, how to make sound. Her thoughts weren’t coherent, just emotion leaving her insides swollen and needing a way out.

“Beth?” Alison moved against her, she realized there were hands clenching the back of her shirt. She needed the feel of Alison’s lips against hers, she needed something to stop the arrhythmic fluttering of her heart. When Beth moved to kiss her, Alison pulled away. Her eyes were unreadable in the darkness, but she could make out the twist of the small woman’s frown. “Beth?”

She couldn’t breathe, choking, “Alison.”

“Beth I…” Alison swallowed and took a deep breath, extricating herself from Beth’s needy grip. “I don’t think I should come back.”

If anything happened after those words left Alison’s lips, Beth couldn’t remember.

***

Things were often rocky on Alison’s visits. When Beth would shove her out the door, when she’d slam the door in her face, Alison would always go to the same hotel— One King West. 

Beth wasn’t sure how she’d gotten there, but she was staring up at the imposing building from the street. She had to fix this. Her phone vibrated in her back pocket. She walked through the doors and up to the service desk.

The concierge was friendly and full of smiles. She couldn’t hear his words through the buzzing her ears. “I’m visiting a friend,” she said, though she wasn’t entirely present, couldn’t be certain how the words left her mouth. “Alison Hendrix.”

She bounced her palms nervously against the countertop while the young man typed the name into his computer. His fingers flew over the keyboard, made clicks with the mouse. Beth’s throat hurt, her head hurt, her back and shoulders hurt— everything _hurt_.

He smiled at her again and reached for the phone. She wished she could feel the outside world, pull herself together enough to face Alison with more than tears and pleading. She could see his mouth moving, and then his eyes were on her, expectant. She blinked a few times before stuttering out, “Beth.”

He repeated her name into the phone. After a few moments he hung up and smiled at her again. She hated him, hated his smile. “She’s in one of our Tower Premium suites, if you take the elevator…”

She knew where Alison was— same hotel, same floor, same room, every damn time. She was thankful for Alison’s predictability. The concierge was still giving her directions when she took off toward the elevators at a run.

The ride up took forever. Beth used the time to try and slow her breathing, attempt to regulate her heartbeat. Her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides as she worked to ease the tension in her muscles. The doors finally opened and she stepped out of the car, walking quickly to Alison’s door.

She knocked and swallowed down her anxiety. It took longer than she’d expected for Alison to answer the door, and when it cracked open, it wasn’t Alison’s eye peeking past the chain. “Oh, I—“ Beth took a step backward and stumbled through an apology. She should have paid attention to what the smiling man at the desk was saying.

Down the hall, Alison stepped out of a room, “Hey.”

Beth’s head whipped toward her voice and she waved another apology to the eye on the other side of the door.

“The room was already taken.” Alison walked closer, barefoot. She didn’t have a change of clothes, but her jeans were unbuttoned and she’d taken off her bra. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was staring intently at Beth.

“Oh.” She wished she could say something else, _anything_ else.

Alison stopped several paces away, “We’re not good for each other, Beth.”

She didn’t find the words, they found her, spilling over her tongue without any rational thought, “You are everything to me, Alison. I don’t want to lose you. Please come back next year, please.”

“Beth…” Alison pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, “that song—“

“That song meant _nothing_ , Alison!” She could barely feel the vibration of her phone through her shaking anger. “It was just a stupid song. Delphine and Tony— it means something to them, not to me.”

“It meant something to you. Even I could feel how much it meant to you.” Alison stepped back as Beth moved closer. “You don’t want it to mean something to you, but it does. We just spend the entire year hurting, then we get..what? One good week? And that’s if we aren’t fighting the whole time.” She shook her head, “Do you see how unhealthy this is?”

She knew ‘I don’t care’ wasn’t the response Alison was looking for, so she bit her tongue. After she took another step forward and Alison retreated again, she sighed and dropped her reaching arms to her sides. “Ali, please. If we need to stop being romantically…whatever, when you visit, I understand— but I can’t lose you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Alison didn’t back away when Beth cautiously inched forward again. “There’s no way, Beth. There is no way I can come here and see you, and not fall in love with you.”

Beth gave up moving slowly when the first tears fell. She quickly closed the distance between them and held Alison’s face in her hands. She brushed the tears away with the pads of her thumbs.

Alison’s voice shook when she asked, “Kiss me?”

Their last night together was quiet. They walked hand in hand back to Alison’s room and fell onto the bed. Emotionally exhausted, they didn’t bother getting out of clothes or finding their way under the blanket. Beth held Alison close, one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist. They cried, and kissed, and Beth didn’t think about her buzzing phone once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Friday I'll be posting chapter 21 and the epilogue and then we'll be done.


	21. Chapter 21

“How long do we have?”— were the first words Beth asked when Alison’s eyelids fluttered open at 6AM. She hadn’t slept. After Alison drifted off she lay there staring up at the ceiling, thinking about the day to come and all the ones that would follow it— days without Alison. She didn’t want to lay in bed without Alison’s dead weight crushing her, didn’t want to start days without her morning breath and without off-key singing as she cooked breakfast. Even their frequent fighting seemed more appealing than not having Alison in her life at all.

The small woman curled closer, resting her head on Beth’s shoulder, “My flight leaves at seven.”

Beth sighed and nodded, “Alright.”

Alison looked up at her, “We can text. I’ll visit every chance I get…” she dared to allow a hint of hope into her voice, “we can try… we can try to make this work.”

“Yeah,” Beth wasn’t convinced. “We’ve tried before.”

Alison slipped a hand under her shirt to rub her stomach, “I wasn’t making much money then. I’m a DP, I can afford to fly up here more often now.”

Maybe she was right, maybe they could make it work this time. But it wasn’t the first time they’d said similar things. Beth wished she could push down the hope starting to fill her chest with light. “I’d like that,” Beth said. “Do you really want to do this? The things you said last night…”

Alison took several moments to compose her thoughts, her cool palm making slow circles over Beth’s abdomen, “They were all true… this isn’t healthy.” She cut Beth off before she could respond, “—But I’m hopelessly in love with you. I want to work on making this healthy, on making it good and sustainable.”

“Do you really think that’s possible?” Beth dropped her hand down over Alison’s, the barrier of her cotton shirt between them.

After a few more quiet beats, Alison replied, “I have to try.”

Beth kissed her forehead, “ _We_ have to try.”

They laid in silence for long minutes. Beth ran her fingers through Alison’s loose hair and fell into the agony of a life without her. Eventually the smaller woman nudged her cheek with her nose until their lips met. As they broke apart she whispered, “We need to go back to your place and pack up my things.”

Beth nodded, “You should keep your stuff here… toothbrush and clothes… they’re all things you’ll need when you visit.”

Alison smiled, “My rental car is in the underground.”

“Oh yeah,” Beth chuckled. “…I guess you won’t need a ride then.”

“No.” Sadness stretched between them until Alison moved over Beth and pressed their foreheads together. “But you could still come? Say goodbye?”

She nodded, “Yeah, of course,” and reached for Alison’s face, cupping her cheeks and running her thumbs over batting eyelids, lashes tickling against her fingerprints.

“Okay,” Alison smiled and kissed her gently before clambering off the bed. She stood in front of the mirror, pulled her hair up into a tight, high ponytail, and adjusting her bangs with practiced fingers. “You should text and let them know we’ll be on our way soon.”

Beth hummed and rocked onto her hip, pulling her phone from her back pocket and trying to light up the screen. “Fuck… it’s dead. Let me use yours?”

***

The living room was empty and the apartment quiet when Beth and Alison walked through the door an hour and a half later. They’d managed to shower and rub complimentary toothpaste over their teeth, but were still wearing their clothes from the day before, smelling like stale beer and Chinese food.

“I’m sure they stayed out pretty late,” Alison whispered, the silence of their surroundings encouraging gentle footfalls and hushed words. “I’ll be really quick, sneak in and grab my things and then we can go back to the hotel.”

Beth smirked, “Their hangovers will thank you.” As an afterthought she added, “Hey, bring me out a change of clothes?”

Alison nodded, and while she walked into the hallway, Beth took to the kitchen to tidy the mess left behind in the wake of drunken cooks looking to fill their sloshing bellies. She righted Delphine’s purse, replacing the contents that were spilled across the bar.

She was folding paper plates covered in crumbs and mustard and melted cheese when Alison poked her head out from the hallway, “Hey, I don’t think they came home last night.”

Beth looked around the kitchen at greasy pans, half a glass of water, and two mugs of cold coffee. “Oh, they came home,” she said incredulously.

“Well, Tony’s not in your room.”

She frowned and dropped the plates into the trash, “Maybe he went home with someone? I hope Delphine got home okay.” She brushed past Alison and hooked an arm around her waist as she went. They stopped outside the blonde’s room and Beth twisted the knob slowly, cracking the door open and peeking inside.

The missing pair were stitched together on Delphine’s spacious bed. Tony’s injured leg hung off the edge, a stained sock half on and brushing against the carpet with each deep, sleep-filled breath. Delphine was tucked under one of his arms and he had the other slung across his eyes, her body molded against his. She was hugging herself about the middle and had her head resting on his chest, smooth blonde hair fanning out over his shirt— at least they were mostly clothed, both seemed to be missing their jeans.

“Oh my God,” Alison was too surprised by the sight to whisper, her words echoing through the room. Beth hissed and threw an arm out to smack her stomach, but it was too late. Tony shifted and stirred, his arm sliding off his face as he blinked into consciousness.

“Wha?” He leaned up, wincing and reaching for his bandage. Beth could see him stumbling through the night in his head, taking stock of the situation until his darting eyes fell on Delphine. “Oh yeah,” he mumbled, working slowly to remove himself from her slender limbs.

Alison was pushing past Beth to get into the room, ignoring Beth trying to get a grip on her arms and hold her back. “What happened?”

He squinted up at her, “Nothing.”

“Can we take this into the living room, please?” Beth asked, following Alison and finally getting a hold of her. “You’re going to wake her up.”

Alison glared at Tony, “Yeah, I’m sure she doesn’t want to see the mess she got herself into, what did you do?”

His ash-brown eyes darkened with anger, “I didn’t do anything, you seriously think I would—“

“I’m not kidding,” Beth hissed, “living room, now.” She pointed firmly at the door and Tony and Alison slouched out, thoroughly scolded. Once they’d left she leaned over and brushed Delphine’s hair from her face, taking in her relaxed features and the slow, steady cadence of her breathing. She brushed her thumb over the blonde’s cheek before righting herself and making her way into the living room, careful to shut the door as quietly as possible.

Alison and Tony were already at each other’s throats. Pointed fingers and flailing arms matching pace with thrown accusations. Beth watched them for a minute before shouting, “Stop it, now!” They immediately fell silent, halting mid sentence. Beth shook her head, “Alison, Tony didn’t do anything and you know it.”

The small woman crossed her arms over her chest and turned away from them. She was quiet for a few beats before asking, “Then what happened?”

Tony sighed and looked to Beth, “I tried calling, you didn’t get my texts?”

“My phone died.”

He dragged his dirty fingernails through his beard and shook his head, “She was drunk, emotional…”

Alison spun on her heel, her face suddenly filled with worry. “Again?“

“Tony,” Beth took two fast steps to stand in front of him, gripping his arms with bruising fingers and forcing him into serious eye contact, “tell me what happened.”

He shrugged, but didn’t fight her hold on him, “She fell to her knees before the song was even over, refused to get up… just fucking bawling. We spent a ten minutes or so trying to talk to her and then Sarah and Cal went out to find you while Helena helped me get her up. The bartender cut us off, I tried explaining that it wasn’t the booze, but she wasn’t hearing any of it.”

“I’d already left,” Beth mumbled, eyes downcast and grip waning.

“I guess,” Tony ran his fingers through his hair when Beth’s arms fell weak to her sides. “Anyway, I called you but you didn’t answer so we got a taxi. I hoped you’d be here… she just kept saying she needed you.”

Her lungs clenched and bile rose in her throat, she opened her mouth to speak but Alison was already at her side, slipping an arm around her middle and pressing her forehead to Beth’s shoulder.

Tony shifted slightly, putting minimal weight on his bad leg, “We got back here and I dealt with it. I kept trying to text you, I thought you’d want to know, but you never responded.”

“Fuck.” Beth slammed the heel of her hand into her head, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Alison grabbed her wrist and pulled it away, “You didn’t know.”

“I should have known!” Beth spat, jerking away from Alison’s comforting touch.

Tony reached out for her gently, “Hey, it’s alright. I knew what to do…Felix…” he swallowed down a lump in his throat, “Felix had breakdowns too. I took good care of her, don’t worry.” He turned his eyes on Alison, “ _I kept her safe_. I’d never let anything happen to her.”

Alison’s lids slid closed and she pressed her lips tight, nodding, “I know, Tony… I’m sorry.”

When she opened her eyes again, they maintained contact for a moment before he shrugged and looked away, “I held her while she fell asleep. I didn’t plan on staying in there with her, I must’ve dozed off.”

Beth fell onto the couch, head between her hands and elbows on her knees, trying to catch her breath. “I can’t believe I wasn’t here for her.”

Tony watched her carefully, “She’s fine, Beth. She had a bad night, but she’s okay.”

Beth was shaking her head furiously. Alison stepped between them and rested a hand on Tony’s arm, “We know. Thank you, Tony. Do you mind if we use the bedroom for a second?”

He nodded and stepped to the side, gesturing, “Yeah, of course.” He brushed fingers against Beth’s back when Alison managed to get her up and walking past him, “Hey, dude, you know I’ve got her back, right?” But Beth didn’t hear him.

Alison deposited Beth on her bed and retraced their steps to shut the door. By the time she turned back, tears were sliding down Beth’s cheeks. She knelt in front of the other woman and squeezed her knees.

“I’m supposed to protect her, that’s all I have to do, I don’t have a job, I don’t have a life, I just… I’m just supposed to take care of her. And I couldn’t even do that right.” Beth sniffled.

Alison ran her hands up and down Beth’s thighs, soothing, “You have taken care of her for so long, Beth, you missed one night…”

“Two nights. I missed two nights.”

The crouched woman cocked her head, “What?”

Beth snubbed her nose, “The day we came back from Montreal. Tony took care of her then too.”

“He’s a good man,” Alison said.

“What can I do if I can’t do this? I’ve failed her twice. She’s my responsibility.” She hastily wiped tears from her face.

Alison sighed, “Isn’t it always Helena reminding us that we’re a family? Delphine isn’t anyone’s responsibility. We _all_ love her, and we all want her to be okay.”

Tony rapped on the door and poked his head in, “She’s awake.”

Beth stood quickly, wobbling with the head-rush and pushed past first Alison and then Tony as she forced her way into the hallway and towards Delphine’s room. The blonde was smiling at her when she walked in.

“Salut,” Delphine stretched, her arms and legs trembling into wakefulness.

“Salut?” Beth shut the door and turned back to Delphine with haunted eyes, “Just ‘salut’? Qui c'est passé hier soir?”

Delphine hummed and shook her head, confused, “J'ai passé une mauvaise nuit.”

“I should have been here.” Beth hung her head and jammed her hands into the tight pockets of her jeans.

The blonde looked at her quietly, hazel eyes taking in Beth’s hopeless and slumped frame. “Je vis bien.”

Beth scoffed, “Yeah, _now_ … Tony…”

Delphine sat up and reached for her, “Tony was amazing.”

“Better than me?” She snapped, immediately regretting her harsh tone. She swallowed and shook her head, averting her eyes away from Delphine’s shocked expression.

The blonde snorted, full of pained disbelief, “J'ignorais que c'était une course.”

“I didn’t mean that…” Beth sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “It’s just…”

Delphine shook her head and stood, closing the distance between them and hugging the smaller woman, “You—“

“The night before the reunion.”

“Quoi?” Delphine pulled Beth’s head away from her chest. She managed eye contact for a fraction of a second before Beth looked away.

She swallowed, “The night before the reunion, Alison knew exactly what to do. I feel like I’ve done a terrible job helping you. Alison is better than me, she calmed you down so quickly… And now Tony…”

“Beth,” Delphine pressed lips to her furrowed brow, “you put so much pressure on yourself. I am a burden, I know that.”

“You’re not a burden,” Beth jerked back and pinned her with a serious look. “You’re family.”

Delphine chuckled sadly, “I am a doctor, Beth, I know how much of a burden family can be… a much larger one than just friends.” She let her arms fall to her sides and took steps backward until she was sitting on the edge of her bed. She thought her next words out carefully before speaking, “I am thinking of admitting myself.”

“No!” Beth was firm, nearly lunging at her. “Your episodes are manageable, you’re okay most of the time, they’re isolated incidents. I can take care of you, I promise.” She fought back the urge to cry, but was unable to hide the desperation in her voice, “I’ll never leave you again.”

The blonde smiled, twitching the burn of tears from her nose, “You are only affirming my thoughts. I think this will be good for you too. I need to learn how to cope with my life. I can’t keep hurting you, hurting our family this way, hurting myself.”

Beth could have hit something, wanted to, wanted to slam her fist into the wall behind her until the plaster broke and her knuckles bled. Her muscles flexed angrily under her skin. It took some time for her to speak without screaming, “You’re not admitting yourself.” She stared Delphine down furiously, “You’re not.”

Delphine wouldn’t meet her eyes, just stared down at the carpet beneath her bare feet. Beth spun on her heel and crashed through the bedroom door, throwing it shut violently behind her and stalking into the living room. She could hear Alison and Tony’s hushed tones coming from behind her bedroom door as she passed. Tony’s murmured _”It’s not any trouble at all, like I said, I went through this with Felix.”_ and Alison’s gentle _”Beth is too close to this, it’s killing her.”_ and she wondered where she’d gone wrong. She slammed the front door with as much ferocity as she’d shut Delphine’s.

The elevator was too slow and she had too much frustration to work out. She ran down the stairs, taking them as fast as she could without toppling down them. She was an angry whirlwind moving through the lobby, brushing past the doorman without a word, pushing through to the outside world without allowing him the time to do his job.

Her jeans were tight around her thighs, restrictive and uncomfortable, she couldn’t stretch out her legs the way she was used to, couldn’t make her muscles move the way she wanted. She ran clumsy and desperate, pushing herself to go faster despite the tears blurring her vision. She didn’t stop for lights or cars, shoving pedestrians out of her way and forcing drivers to slam on their breaks and lay on their horns. She ran until her throat burned and a stitch in her lungs left her doubled over and leaning against the front of a building, coughing through the pain.

“Are you alright, darling?” A frail woman leaned against her walker, trying to get low enough to see Beth’s face.

She waved the woman off, choking on her own breath.

She’d lost. Everyone was better at taking care of Delphine than she was. None of it even mattered because the blonde was giving up, was going into in-patient care, was leaving Beth alone. The realization was so heavy it was crushing her. The thought of forcing Delphine to stay home was jarring, if this was what she really wanted, what could Beth do to stop her? The lack of control left her reeling.

And Tony, well-meaning Tony, who knew just the right things to say to soothe Delphine. He didn’t need her help at all. Neither of them did. No one needed her. The things she’d built her life on, holding their family together, taking care of them, it was all for nothing, she’d been flailing about ineffectively for years. Alison had been right, she’d only been holding Delphine back.

Alison… she was out running around like a fool, crying, when Alison’s flight was only hours away. She was about to lose her again— just a handful of difficult breaths away from losing everyone.

She sighed and stood, letting her head bang back into the bricks a few times. Cars drove by, their drivers unconcerned with her anguish, unaffected, in a world of their own. She willed her tired legs back into action, making her way slowly to the bus stop.

***

Tony, Alison, and Delphine were eating lunch when she returned home, grimy from her run and weighed down with tumultuous emotion. Alison stood when the door opened, her hands brushing away crumbs that weren’t there.

“Beth, we’d like to talk to you about—“

She waved Alison off, “I don’t want to talk.”

Delphine’s eyes slid closed and Tony sighed, pushing to his feet, “Beth…”

“No, no talking.” She looked at them all, exhausted. “Delphine. I want you to be happy, and if this is what you need to do to be happy…” she sighed, “…you should do it.”

Silence spread through the apartment, only interrupted by the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator and Beth’s occasional sniffle. She couldn’t take the quiet. Luckily she didn’t have to stomach it for long. Delphine stood and moved quickly in front of her, engulfing Beth’s shaking body in a strong hug. When had she become the broken one?

“This isn’t the end of our story, Beth.” Her accent was thick with whispered emotion, though musical and lilting in Beth’s ear, “Quoi qu’il advienne, je te soutiendrai. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end. Go check out the epilogue so we can put a bow on it.


	22. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, two chapters got posted today, make sure you've read chapter 21 before you read this one.

Beth dropped into the still unfamiliar car. Too close to the steering wheel, she slid the seat back a click. Beth let out a growl when she bent to the side to find the ignition. “Fucking fancy car,” she sighed and righted herself, jamming her finger into the button that turned the engine over. She lifted her hips and dug into her pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. Settling back into the seat she unfolded the page with shaking fingers. Alison’s recognizable handwriting, broad and neat, gave detailed directions.

She put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space.

_”Are you sure you want to do this? We can always just… go home.” Beth swallowed and shifted her weight uneasily._

_“Oui, je suis sûre.”_

_The hospital was imposing and made Beth fiercely uncomfortable. She bit her cheek sharply, nodding, “Alright then, let’s go.”_

_“It won’t be for long. Je rentrerai sous peu.” Delphine’s hand was warm when it grabbed hers, tugging her closer to the admissions department._

Beth worried her cheek and flicked her blinker on, glancing over her shoulder before taking a left turn at the third set of lights— just like Alison had written. She stopped in the intersection to let a pack of riders on bicycles zoom past. Once the way was clear, she drove on down the unfamiliar streets, rolling past unrecognizable scenery slower than most while she tried to make out street names in the distance.

_Tony slung his arm over Beth’s shoulder and led her away from the office, “It’s alright dude, this was her decision, nothing you could do about it. And they said it’d only be a week or so. She’ll be home before you know it. I’m calling her room while she’s gone though!” He laughed and shoved at her._

_She stumbled with the force of it, her tired body lacking the strength to stand against his playfulness. “You can have my room.”_

_“Hell no, hers is bigger.”_

_“I mean forever— you can have my room for good. I’m leaving, Tony.”_

_He blinked, his ash brown eyes were wide and clouded with confusion. “What? Where are you going?”_

_Beth stopped their forward momentum to stand in the middle of the parking lot, “Portland.”_

_He slowed to a halt, turning to look at her. She couldn’t gauge his reaction past the shock. He shook his head for a minute, “Why?”_

_“There’s no place for me here anymore…” She bit deeply into her cheek and swallowed the resulting rush of saliva. “Alison was right all along— I’ve been holding Delphine back for years. You guys are better off without me.”_

_Tony was antsy, frustrated, clearly trying to contain his anger, “When were you planning on telling Delphine?”_

_She sighed and lifted the blonde’s purse, her cellphone nestled safely in a pocket, “I was going to text her and explain everything. I need you to take care of her, Tony. I mean it.”_

Beth took the final turn slowly, glancing down at Alison’s directions resting on her lap: ‘The strip mall is on the left hand side. You’re stronger than you know. I love you.’ A large, loopy heart took up the rest of the scrap of paper. Beth sighed, Alison had been right about everything else, she could only hope her lover was right about this as well. She navigated Alison’s car into the parking lot, her eyes taking in the businesses of the strip mall until she found the one she was looking for. She cranked the wheel hard and eased into a parking space near the entrance.

She put the car in park and let out a shaky breath, her eyes lifting to look at the building, at its wide windows and the large potted plants that stood on either side of the door. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel until her knuckles went white, only releasing it to pull the necklace free from the collar of her shirt. Her fingers found the dips and grooves, read the soothing, constant pattern like braille. She filled her lungs to aching and took off her seatbelt.

_“Beth, it’s so good to see you.” Marion leaned back in her chair, turning her head to see her secretary frantic in the doorway, “It’s alright, Andrew, I’ll see her now. Please ask Shannon Smith’s parents to give me a few minutes, I’ll be with them shortly.”_

_He gave Beth one last glare before shutting the door and leaving them alone in the posh office._

_Marion gave her a once over, “I’m glad you came by. I have an employment contract already written up.”_

_“I don’t want your contract.” Beth strode closer to the desk, leaning forward and resting her balled fists against its surface, “I have an alternative.”_

_Marion tilted her head and gave her an interested look, “I’m not looking for an alternative.”_

_Beth shrugged, “Do you want someone invested in this job or not? Someone better than me in every way… dedication, passion, talent…”_

_The sharp woman leaned forward slightly, “I’m listening.”_

_“Angela DeAngelis.”_

Beth barely registered the beep that signaled the car alarm engaging. Each step was difficult, and something akin to terror raced through her. She felt like a condemned prisoner walking to the gallows— it was dramatic, she knew. Despite all her unease, this was something she’d promised. She’d sworn to Alison, tears spilling and snot bubbling as cold hands held her face and lips peppered her cheeks with loving kisses…she’d sworn that she’d try.

Her hand found the door’s handle and she shifted her weight back to pull it open, walking into the air conditioned lobby. She bit her cheek and walked up to the desk, leaning against it, fingers tapping out a rhythm until the woman behind it tore her eyes away from the computer screen she was focused on.

Beth took a deep breath and spoke, “I have an 2pm appointment with Dr. Bowers? Elizabeth Childs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Talking out my ass.](http://saint11icarus.tumblr.com/post/126649146733/let-me-go-chapter-21-saint11icarus)


End file.
